XAVIER, 27 Joyful
Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.
How are you feeling?
I’m feeling a bit sad inside, but outside I’m trying to show I’m positive.
Can you tell me about your journey with mental health?
My journey with mental health so far has been a struggle, a real struggle. It’s been tough, a long tough journey. At times, I’ve nearly just given up, it’s been so hard. It all started back when I was younger, I was a little bit shy, I was dealing with eczema and a bit of hair loss. I never really fit in and I was bullied at school. I struggled to make any friends, and I was usually really sad. When I started University, the eczema got pretty bad again, the alopecia, which is hair loss got really bad, and I lost all of my hair when I was 21. I was already struggling with anxiety and issues about how I looked, and people judged me on how I looked, and that made it worse when I lost my hair when I was 21. I actually remember the day I lost my hair, I was really anxious. It was the day before a test, I came in, got to the test, had a really bad headache, and it was just so bad. I was really nervous, and after that I would only wear my beanie or hat because I was nervous people were judging or looking. I worried that they would judge me on how I look without hair, stuff like that. Then the headaches started, and when I was in lectures, I noticed people always looking at me. They were staring, and maybe they were just curious about how I looked, but I was always scared of judgement.
People always looked at me, and I never fit in because of how I looked. The headaches got really bad, and eventually people kept looking, and I was getting really nervous. I was always scared of people judging me because I didn’t have any hair. I felt different to the whole world. In this image-obsessed world that is always judging you on how you look, I felt like I had to look the part. These thoughts would always surprise people, because I’m a positive, cheerful person. Although I always made funny jokes and told funny stories, I was always nervous with girls because I grew up at a private school called Xavier College, and I always felt scared. I lost my hair, I had experiences where people would just ignore me, judge me based on how I look, and I would wonder whether they thought I looked scary, awkward or strange. I had experiences of people judging me based on how I looked, which increased my anxiety. It made me feel like I had a severe disability, and that people were looking and treating me like I was different.
I felt as though people were treating me like I can’t do something, not giving me a chance. At the time, I struggled to get through the process of applying for a university place, and I felt as though I would be judged based on how I looked. I couldn’t accept myself and who I was, which was hard. And all because I thought the world was out to judge. That filled me with fear, and I had experiences at University where people judged me and treated me like I couldn’t do anything. I just needed confidence, support and I could do it. This made me nervous, and led me to depression. The loneliness didn’t help, it made it worse, as when I tried to make friends with people, I always felt I didn’t deserve to make friends with them. When I was sick, I isolated myself a lot, so after University, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression. The anxiety was sometimes really bad, as I felt people judging me, and I felt I made others nervous because I was nervous. I saw a psychiatrist and took medication. The medication worked at times, but still, it was hard with depression. I saw a few doctors. I had really bad headaches and eczema, and it was just getting too much to bear.
I had to find a university work placement which was difficult, as I found it hard to talk to people on the phone, as I felt they didn’t really give me a chance. I felt the judgement on the phone because when they heard my voice they would push back. I would be so fearful of getting a work placement that I would get a headache, and my anxiety would remind me of all the bad experiences I had in the past, which made it hard to try. When I finally got a work placement, I started working at McDonalds, and that wasn’t helping me at all. McDonald’s was hard work, and I used to work overnight. The overnight hours were killing me, and it was tough. As I was older, at 24-25 years old, and others were 17-19 years old, I felt I was mistreated as an older worker.
When I applied for the role of team leader/trainer, of which I already had the skills for, they were dodgy, and didn’t tell me anything. They didn’t tell me if I got the position or not. I remember nightshifts were really hard, which fuelled my depression because I had to wake up in the morning, sleep all night, get to university try and stay awake as much as I could during the day, then try to fall asleep again. I used to fall asleep on the university grounds, as I was so tired, and the grass was so comfy. I love my sleep, I have to admit, as it feels more safe at times, than waking up and trying. My bed is like my best friend.
Eventually the anxiety became too much to handle. I had to go to hospital because it was so tough. I I made some friends at hospital, and they were really supportive, even though I was nervous at times. The medication change sort of helped my anxiety improve, however, the depression didn’t change much, and it was a tough period being in hospital. I really tried hard to work on the different techniques they taught us, but at times I felt it was too hard, and so I would fall asleep. They taught me that my fear, catastrophising and worrying that people would treat me differently was unhealthy, and I just had to accept that people would treat me differently if they wanted to. I had to deal with that lesson, and that was so hard. Back at McDonald’s, the manager wasn’t very nice, she was tough. When I was anxious, she played with my emotions and was mean. When she was tough, she would scare me into doing what she wanted. Everything moved faster and faster, and there was only so much pressure I could take. When I started work, I was only just hanging in there, about to break.
When I went into hospital for the first time back in Delmont in December 2015, I made some friends, but I knew that the hospital was not the real world. The real world is harder, unfortunately. I fell sick and gained some weight, which made it more difficult. I needed to get to the gym, and also my skin battle got really bad. I needed to go to the hospital for that, and I was worrying too much. After that I started thinking about focusing on my values, that’s why I started doing a diploma in Counselling and a Cert 4 in Disability. I finished my Cert 4 in Disability, and the diploma is still ongoing. I’ve always believed that despite how badly people hurt you, you should always value a smile. I always tried to do that through University, but eventually the fight became too much, and that’s why I went to hospital. On top of that, my skin was getting really bad, and it was tough, as I was scared about my job and the headaches I was getting.
I started volunteer work at Interchange Incorporated, and that went okay, but even in that job, I was scared of the higher manager who judged me without knowing me. I applied for a job there which was my hope and aim. I had some bad experiences with the volunteer work, as people thought I was a client instead of a staff member of Interchange, and that I had autism and a disability. When I told them it wasn’t true, the response was passive aggressive, as if it was my fault. People thought I had autism, and so I tried really hard to think positively, and let the positive thoughts enter my mind. I also tried the ActiveFit gym, but it was hard work because I kept having experiences where I was judged, even at church. I went to hospital again this year in January, and it’s been a rollercoaster ride, a tough one. Chronic headaches, anxiety and depression. It’s hard when you look different to other people because you have no hair or eyebrows. You don’t look the same as everyone else, you just look different. You have the experience of people judging you, and saying things to you, or being mean to you based on how you look.
At times when I feel bad, I don’t want people to take it personally. This year I’ve gone back to work with Scope. Interviews are tough, especially having to go in there, experiencing failure, and having the energy to keep going. I started work this year, and work hasn’t been great, as I feel like I’m treated differently from the other workers. I felt judged on how I look, and it’s been tough. Currently, I’m struggling with the trauma of being judged, my headaches and the stress of trying to get better. The problem is when it gets too much, I just cry and start panicking.
Going back to your childhood, did you have any support when you were going through eczema and bullying?
Not really. I tried to be independent for my parents. At the same time, my mum suffered from schizophrenia, so she was really sick. She lost her job, so we had to support her. My mum and dad were always arguing about the illness, so I was always independent, doing everything myself. I was scared to ask my parents, I didn’t tell them I had anxiety or depression until I was 25. I was scared of the judgement, but I eventually told them, and it was tough. I told them because it was all too much, the headaches, the fear, the worry, I was just crashing. I was tired, I couldn’t hang in there, I felt sick, I couldn’t study or work, and I needed a new start. I didn’t get much support, but I did by my psychiatrist, and some of my friends who I’d told, and they were supportive in some ways.
Did you feel you missed out on having a childhood because you had to be so independent?
Yes, it’s true, I felt like I did. I missed having people to rely on, and I missed having someone there for me, because I was so independent. I had to be independent, and I had to rely on myself to get things done. I had to not be scared, which is tough, because you go into a room of people, and you’re scared of the judgement, scared of what will happen after they do judge. People will hurt you afterwards, and sometimes the hardest people to work with are those that don’t understand what you’re going through.
Considering you’re sitting here right now, what pulls you out of those negative and suicidal thoughts?
Fear if I did it, how would it affect my mum, fear it could go wrong, and I could still live. The fear that my mum would know that I had died, the fear my own self-worth is low, and because of these anxious thoughts coming into my head, I would, at times, feel very sad.
How has the hospital assisted you, in overcoming your challenges?
I feel like it has helped a bit to overcome my anxiety and challenges. The day program we had was very important, as we were able to talk about our experiences with other people. In a group, we discussed what causes our anxiety, what causes our depression, and what the side effects are. I think doing self-care can help, like taking a bath or watching a movie. I admit, I struggle with self-care, but I still try. The hospital gives me a break, takes me away from the real world where everybody is scary, and can possibly hurt me. The hospital takes me to a separate world where I can feel safe, where people aren’t always judging me on how I look. I can access it for 5-6 days and hide away, and when I leave, I feel like I have a fresh start. It helps me refocus and refresh.
Do you love yourself, Xavier?
When I look in my mirror, I struggle the most with loving myself. It’s hard when people treat you differently, as it makes you feel different, strange and awkward. I don’t want to be strange and awkward, I want to be friendly and nice. Since I’ve had depression and anxiety, I’ve always tried to make sure I’m nice to people despite my depression and anxiety. I try to hide my depression and anxiety, and when I was growing up, I tried to be nice to people. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect, I just treat people how I want to be treated. I took on other work experience at RMIT, which was tough, as I had a boss who was very nit-picky and demanding, and it was hard to do what he wanted me to do. The headaches became too much, as well as the reflux, the fear, and the question of “what am I going to do?” The trembling and the suicidal thoughts would come in. Going through these traumas of people judging me would make me so tired that I would just crash. I always had suicidal thoughts, I just never knew how to deal with them. I worked out how to get through them without hurting my mum.
Can you tell me a part of your body that you love?
That’s a hard question because I struggle particularly with that. My mind and my brain is all I can think of, and I guess my smile sometimes. Smiling can help you feel better sometimes. Feeling happy, joking around and involving yourself in discussion can make you feel better sometimes. Although, afterwards you feel sad because you’re leaving the people you’re talking to.
Why do you think some people are judgemental?
I think I’ve had bad experiences where people are judgemental, especially at the workplace. At workplaces, they judge people on how they look, instead of what they are able to do. They judge their work based on how they look. Especially in the hospitality industry, there are some people who are not judgemental, and they are kind people, but others are judgemental and unkind. They were judgemental about my face, and the boss was really mean, so you couldn’t smile at your boss, and so you always looked sad. At times, they would be mean to you because of how you looked, and I had to quit because my illness and the anxiety and depression was so hard. I headed to the hospital, and after leaving the hospital, I found it difficult because I had to go back to study, keep myself busy, and my volunteer work made me quite nervous. People thought I had a disability of some sort, and it was Scope that didn’t turn out well because of the manager there.
One of the workers was quite mean to me, she wasn’t nice, and she told the manager a rumour. I got called down, criticised and given feedback that wasn’t even true. At the time, if you had a mental illness and disability, you wouldn’t get a fair go, as everything was based on your looks. I tried so hard to stay positive by using my values to determine where I go, despite where my anxiety wants me to go. When my anxiety tells me all sorts of bad stuff, when it tells me to go this way, well that sucks, it’s bad. I want to go another way, so I ignore my anxiety and depression. I let the anxiety happen, and move on from it. I feel like it’s a good technique if you’re asking whether your values determine what you should do. You must not let your anxiety go in the wrong direction, instead you should go in another direction. Ask yourself, what do you believe and find important to overcome that trauma? Use positive talk every day, although it is hard because my head just goes to anxiety and depression.
It is hard, nobody understands, and I feel like a lot people avoid it. They misunderstand our illness and don’t treat us like others suffering other types of illnesses, for example, cancer. When we’re close to giving up and see no hope, the hardest thing is trying to find hope. At times, I saw no hope, and all I saw was darkness, happening again and again. It would hurt, and everything was too hard, and all I wanted to do was to sleep and go to bed, to leave this world, to give up and end it. When everything in front of you is just weak and dark, you need to keep trying, stay positive, try to keep your friends around you. With the anxiety and depression, all my friends understand, but some are more supportive than others. Some try not to talk to you due to your circumstances, and even though you need support, you just don’t where to get it. You have nobody to talk to, and all you have is the fear that you’re going to get judged on how you look. I’m actually a cheerful, happy person on the outside, and I think you would agree, Elena, but on the inside, it’s a hard toxic battle of negative thoughts. Sometimes I go for night time drives to the top of the mountains and wonder why I’m still here, and why I’m still trying. I sometimes think to myself that people aren’t helpful, they are unsupportive, when all I want is to be surrounded by supportive people; people that are there for me. I finally got my driver’s licence, which is great. Despite all my anxiety and depression, unfortunately, I had to stop talking to the psychologist I was seeing before. She wasn’t very supportive of the idea of getting my licence, even though I know I need to try to do things for myself. You need to love yourself, all of yourself on both the inside and the outside. Some people say you need a boyfriend or girlfriend to better, but that’s not true. You need to be secure in yourself before you enter a relationship; you need to be fine with who you are, and then enter a relationship. Doing it the other way around can be too hard, as you feel guilty because you don’t want to make the other person sick.
If you had a message for all those people that do judge you, stare at you oddly or have said cruel things to you in passing what would that message be?
I would say, don’t worry about them, who cares. Who cares what other people think, just love yourself for who you are. It’s so hard not to care what people think, because in the workplace, you have to care what people think about you. I would say it’s tough, but self-compassion is very important. When you’re feeling unwell, just accept it, and let those thoughts go out of your head, don’t struggle against it. With mental illness, you always struggle with it, so just accept that you need to struggle, then move on. If you choose to struggle with it, it makes it harder to deal with anxiety and depression. I find staying positive and finding supportive people is important as well. I will admit it is tough out there, and at times I do cry, wish it would all go away and just disappear.
Life sucks, there’s a lot of hurt, but try to enjoy life, and to get through the parts of life which are hard. Do the best you can, and despite how bad it is, never think you’re different from other people. I always thought I was different and lower than other people, which made my anxiety worse. I thought that I shouldn’t talk, like I had a strange disability or illness, and I shouldn’t be part of the University. Peoples’ comments and looks, were terrible. But just hang in there, it’s tough, and I cried every 2-3 days because of how hard it was, but remember to never give up. There are people there to support you, so always be self-compassionate towards yourself, and remember you are the same person as a high business man. You are as important as a person who owns a business, because they’re no different from us. We have our weaknesses, they have their weaknesses. We suffer from depression and anxiety, they have weaknesses, such as drinking too much alcohol, or loneliness, we are all humans. Suffering through life, we all suffer commonly, so never think you’re different because you struggle from depression and anxiety.
Do you think it’s important to feel vulnerability?
I think sometimes, yes, because vulnerability makes you become stronger. I think vulnerability helps you push through stuff because you’ve suffered it before, you’ve practiced techniques to get out of it. I feel like vulnerability is very scary and hard, but if you can just get through, there are positive consequences to it. Since we’re vulnerable we need to see it as a good thing, not a bad thing. We should see it as a new start. It can be a good thing because when you get through vulnerability, you will feel so much better. I think it’s okay to feel vulnerable as well, especially in front of other people. Other people want to know how you are and how you are feeling. I always closed myself up because I didn’t want to be that person who complains about how I was sick, telling people I’m not feeling well, and making people feel guilty. Vulnerability is hard, but it can make you stronger.
Are you proud of your overall journey, Xavier?
At times, I feel like I could have done better because of my anxiety. Not totally proud of it, as I still have trauma that I struggle with. I feel like I’m headed in the right direction, and I want to help people. I really want to help people see that we’re all normal people. I want to help people with anxiety and depression, and help them understand the anxiety, and give them time to relax and talk about it if they need to. I wanted to help people growing up, that was my aim, to help people with other illnesses. Focus on the positive parts of the world, and see how amazing the world is, because who cares what people think? Just go ahead and do it, and don’t let anyone bring you down. It’s easy to say, but hard to do, but I want you to really try. Unfortunately, the only way to get better is if we try ourselves. I guess it’s also hard because people with mental illness may also judge you. You just need to keep your mind positive, and not care what other people think. Aim to be a friendly person and not care what other people think of you.
Would you be in a relationship with yourself?
If I met someone who was like me, I guess I probably would, but I don’t know if it would be healthy. I feel like if I met someone like me, we would just get into a rut very quickly and very easily. We wouldn’t do anything, wouldn’t live life properly, as I’m someone who very much does nothing. I still force myself to do stuff, but if you have to force yourself, it’s not the same. I’ve always wanted to find someone who wants to travel and try new things, but is still understanding that sometimes I can’t handle doing that. I’d always be happy though, if I find that special someone. I’m more than willing to push myself to do anything for them, if they’re the right person.
Who are you Xavier and what do you want to be remembered by?
Inside the depression and anxiety everything seems worse, you just want to give up. You don’t know who to turn to for help. I guess I’m Xavier, a person who struggles with depression and anxiety, and I manage it every day. I guess I want a life helping people, to help people see the positives not the negatives. I want to help people understand their own feelings and emotions. For me, it’s hard at times because life is hard. It does get scary at times when something bad happens or friends don’t talk to you, and you end up by yourself. You feel bitter, and angry thoughts come into your head, like “You can’t do this, you suck,” but I guess despite having anxiety and depression, you remain strong. You don’t become bitter and angry, you still help people, you’re nice to people despite how they treat you. What I’m all about is, I love helping people. Putting a smile on people’s faces, letting them know they are okay, letting them know that I will be the person to help them out. I like to make people smile, I want to help people with disabilities so they can support their needs and do a proper job.
I’m a person who’s not scared to show his proper emotions on his face; I’m ready to live, and see the world. I have a double University degree and a certificate for Disability, but at times I find it hard to go for interviews. Anything is possible, as I started driving last year when I thought I had no chance of driving. I thought I would crash a car, but I didn’t, I got my licence and was able to do it. We need to remember to focus on the world around us, get the support we need anytime we feel the need to hurt or harm yourself. Never underestimate the importance of a psychologist or psychiatrist and medication. I’m a person who’s friendly and helpful. I’m not a perfect person, and I’m not aiming to be perfect because you can never be perfect. You will always make mistakes, you will struggle, you will lie, but the important thing is to not be afraid to apologise for that, and to keep going. Try and be who you want to be, because we will make mistakes at times and fumble. Be assertive. At times I feel hopeless because of my weight because of the medication, and the trauma of people saying things to me, and it comes back into my head. I think of how some people treat me like I have a disability, and I need to forget them and remember who I am.
Don’t let people decide who you should be, decide for yourself, who you should be. If you let them decide, your automatically stuck with their view of you. If you decide who you want to be, then you get a choice, and it’s your choice. Sometimes it’s hard to make choices, it’s scary wondering what you do for my career? When do I move out? How do I get over this illness? Sometimes you got to be brave enough to make a decision and move on. Life is hard, life is tricky never give up and know that people out there care for you. I know at times it’s hard, the headaches are bad, suicidal thoughts were bad after working at McDonalds after getting bullied. Outside work, trying to keep up with friends, friends that left overseas it was tough and lonely but remember to keep hope. Let those thoughts happen, be sad and lonely accept it and let go. I think it’s important to find your values, my values aren’t money it’s to help people. See people’s amazing smiles, show them just because they have a disability they are no different. Just because they have anxiety and depression they are no different.
You may not fit in people’s worlds because of how you look, don’t let them affect who you are, only let yourself affect who you are. Unfortunately, with myself, I have eczema alopecia, and when my anxiety and depression gets really bad, I pick my skin and scratch myself, which I shouldn’t do. It makes my skin worse. At times you feel like you’re in a safe place and I really hope you can find a safe place because I know how scary it is. I struggle with it every day, the headaches and anxiety and depression, so I know you can do it to. You can overcome it, and follow your own values. When you’re down in the dumps like I was, be compassionate of yourself. At times, I was so hard on myself, I struggled, and saw myself as a failure. I want you guys to look at the positives and don’t let other people bring you down. Try, and don’t be scared to show your emotions, okay? Don’t be scared to connect with people. Don’t be scared or feel awkward that people will judge you. For me, it was with women because of how I looked. Try to be compassionate to yourself, as although the world is a dark place, and hurts a lot, we need to keep trying, and tough it out. Remember your emotions and accept it.
How are you feeling now?
I’m feeling a bit tired but I’m feeling sort of better that I’ve talked about it. Even though it was tough and I do cry sometimes I don’t hold it in which is good. I just try to stay positive, try to remember the positive things, try to remember who I am. It’s hard when people look at me with bad looks. The important thing is you accept yourself for who you are, think of something positive and never give up. Remember who your friends are, I suffered a lot of loneliness in school being bullied and it was tough but there are people out there to help you out. Never give up, there are people who are willing to help you out. Just remember we are all the same person, different characteristics, you’re not different from anyone else because of your depression and anxiety.