VANESSA*, 29 Optimist

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

Good, actually not really. I’ve had a pretty stressful day but I am feeling good now.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?

I would say that for the majority of my life I’ve been lucky enough to not have many mentally ill moments. I’ve been a fairly positive and optimistic person all my life but I did have a phase in my life where I did experience anxiety and panic attacks for the first time. I remember that was terrifying.

Being a positive person, how did you cope when you are thrown a bad day?

I guess in the current stage that I am in my life now, when dealing with a bad day I can do things that will always make me feel better. I know for a fact if I go and spend some time on myself, doing something I love, often changes my mood pretty quickly. I feel like I’ve got a few things, I exercise sometimes if I’m not having a great day. Especially if I’ve got tension in my body and I’ve had a lot of pent up energy. I usually exercise and it makes me feel more relaxed afterwards. I think it’s really important if I’m not having a great day, it’s often because of circumstances outside of my own control. So, sometimes I like to be able to regain a bit of control in my life, with something I enjoy doing that is purely for me. That often significantly changes the way my day is heading and the way it ends up.

What do you define as positivity?

You know what, I think positivity is about having a pretty sunny disposition. Which is what I would consider I have for the most part. For me, it’s that feeling of contentment. I feel balanced in my life, I feel positive and feel optimistic about things in my life. Another way to describe it would be that sense of feeling content with where I am in my life at the moment. There is a sense of feeling balanced, I am challenging myself in ways and I am achieving things but it’s not too much to handle. I haven’t taken on too much, I feel like I have balance in my life. Striving for goals but also allowing myself to relax and enjoy my life, not pushing myself too much.

Does it get too comfortable? Could you challenge yourself more?

At the moment, no. I feel like I am stretched in many different directions but it’s a really comfortable stretch. In my work life, I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing for the last 4-5 years. I’ve reached a stage where it’s comfortable now and very relaxed. Therefore, I’ve been able to take on different things or different challenges because I’m in a comfortable place due to that. If you asked me 2 years ago or 3 years ago when I first started our business to take on anything extra it would have been too much of a challenge. It may have tipped me over the edge, maybe it would have spurred on a little bit of anxiety, panic and feeling overwhelmed.

As you’ve touched on being in the same work place for 4-5 years now, are you content?

I’m really content in that I am I’m really proud of how far it’s come. How it’s developed and how successful it is. It’s a really lovely space to be in because you’ve built up a really successful business. I’m really content in my work life at the moment.

You mentioned anxiety and panic attacks, did it blindside you?

To this day I still don’t know what caused them. All I can put it down to was that there was major change in my life at that time. I was in the final processes of finishing off a master’s degree, in something I felt wasn’t fitting me anymore and wasn’t right for me. At the same time, I had also moved out of the family home leaving what had been a beautiful existence for 22 years of my life. I think all I can put it down to are those changes in my life and I think they’re all external things. I totally underestimated how external factors can affect your internal state of being.

How did the anxiety differ from the panic attacks?

Okay so the panic attacks were a really, really extreme acute 5 minutes of pure panic. Actually, having physically sensations that felt like something was going to happen to me, like I was going to die. It’s a really extreme, acute experience. I hate to say it because it makes me uncomfortable even talking about it, it’s that sense I was going to die. It’s fear at its extreme. The anxiety is this pervading 24 hour, 7 day a week sense of being unbalanced. Fearing what was to come next, it wasn’t as acute as the panic attacks I would say. I know during my experiences with anxiety I did not want to eat. I didn’t feel like eating because my nervous system was in overdrive and felt fear around the idea of uncertainty and the feeling of not being able to predict what happens next, it was really terrifying.

How long after, did you decide to seek help?

I think I was experiencing anxiety for 2-3 years before I went and saw someone. In that one to two years, there were a number of occasions when I went to hospital and went to the doctors thinking I was really unwell and explaining my symptoms. At the time people were telling me “It sounds like anxiety” but I didn’t believe them. I actually didn’t believe them. All I kept asking myself was “Why is this happening to me? Why am I feeling this way? I’ve never felt this way before. What’s happening to me? It can’t be anxiety it has to be something physical, I must be physically unwell. Something’s physically not right with me”. It was when I broke down in tears in a doctor’s room, that she said, “It’s worth getting a mental health plan and seeing someone”.

I did go see someone and she was good. I only saw her for one phase of the mental health plan and she’s not someone I continued seeing, she was wonderful but I didn’t click with her 100%. I did see another person who was a counsellor not a psychologist. She introduced me to meditation, accepting what I was feeling as opposed to asking why I was experiencing what I was experiencing. That was a huge game changer for me.

What was the most valuable lesson you discovered from meditation?

I think it was two things. Being in the moment, so accepting what I was experiencing in that moment, as opposed to worrying about the future. It brought me to the present. The other thing was the idea that with the meditation, I’m part of something bigger then myself. I felt like anxiety is a very insular experience where you’re in your mind a lot. With the meditation, it was not only being able to accept that experience for what it was in that moment, instead of worrying about experiencing anxiety in one or two minutes. It was about accepting what I was experiencing in that moment but also discovering that I’m more then my anxiety. There is something bigger at play that’s happening around me. I’m not just that experience of anxiety.

Were there any other treatments you tried other then meditation?

No, I’ll be honest I was always cautious about taking any type of drugs to help. Because I was acutely aware that unfortunately with I think a lot of western medication, to treat depression and anxiety it’s a life saver and I think it works for some people but I was really cautious of the side effects too. I didn’t know if I wanted to take on all those side effects as well as what I was going through. I think if I was in a more desperate state, then drugs would have been the answer for me. If I was in a desperate state and got to my wits end. I was fortunate enough to be treated with a psychologist and cognitive behavioural therapy and the counselling. I just saw the psychologist and the counsellor.

Were people outside your family aware of what was going on?

I didn’t hide it and unfortunately the times I did have panic attacks, they were with other people. Other people were there to experience it with me. So, unfortunately as much as I didn’t want people to know, sometimes people had to find out because I was going through panic at that point.

Did you ever feel fearful or ashamed of your anxiety and panic attacks?

No, I don’t think I was fearful or ashamed of it but I wasn’t willing to accept what I was experiencing. So, I wasn’t fearful but what was hindering was that I kept asking the question why I was experiencing it and I didn’t understand it. I kept asking “why am I going down this path? Why am I getting anxious? Why?” and I was just trying to make sense of it but I don’t think I felt fearful of it. I was fearful, yes sorry it’s been a long time. I was fearful I wasn’t going to get better I was worried about that but I don’t think I was ashamed to let people know. I think once I realised it was anxiety, I wasn’t ashamed but before that yes, I probably was fearful and ashamed. I didn’t know what was going on with me and I couldn’t explain it, so it made me uncomfortable.

Do you experience anxiety or panic attacks these days?

Do you know what? I honestly don’t at this point in my life. I feel like I’ve got a good handle and keep things in perspective, things that could potentially provoke anxiety within me. Like work related things, I keep it in perspective and see it for what it is. If it’s a first world problem, I can’t say what the future will hold in terms of how my environment might change or things outside of my control. How that may throw me into a situation that I’m not comfortable with.

What’s been one of your most positive experiences?

I’ve got to say the counselling and meditation group I attended changed my life, it was huge. Every Monday, we were catching up and it was a really safe place. It was a really positive experience. People were sharing what they were feeling and being nurtured. Every time, there was an acceptance of what everyone was feeling. So, it was a safe place and I think at the time because you felt so unsafe in your anxiety and it was a fearful experience that became one of my safe places. That was probably the only safe places I felt I had.

What’s been some of the most challenging experiences in your life?

I had a particular person in my life at the time who wasn’t going through anxiety and I think they found it difficult to understand what I was going through. I felt there was a lack of support but funnily enough, coming from that point and how life changes I’ve also been on the other end of the spectrum. From where they have gone through something that I haven’t gone through and they have struggled to accept a situation and deal with a situation. I struggled to support them through that. I haven’t known how to react or how to support them.

Have you had experiences of disappointment?

I feel like I have been disappointed in my life. I guess at times when I felt like I could have been more supported by certain loved ones when I was going through anxiety and the panic attacks. As I said, since that time, I can sort of see where they’re coming from and why they reacted as they did at that time. I sort of have a better sense of accepting and understanding the position they were in at the time. In terms of feeling disappointment, no that’s probably the only time I really was disappointed.

If you could change your mental health journey in any way, would you?

I really wish there was another me that told myself a lot earlier “Just accept what you are going through”. When I say accept it, I mean I used to tell myself towards the end of my experience with anxiety, when I was starting to feel better “Okay just get through this one minute, just get through these two minutes” instead of worrying about how I was going to be the next day. I wish I had told myself “It’s okay to feel the way you are feeling and you are not that person. You’re not that anxiety, you’re not that panic attack, it’s not you”. I wish someone had said “Sometimes you don’t need to know why it’s happening, just accept it for what it is at that moment. That’s your experience at that moment and that’s okay”.

Do you think you preferred to shut it out, then come to terms with the fact you may have had to face these thoughts head on if you seeked help?

I think the reality was I didn’t know what I was going through. I actually thought I had a physical condition, a physical ailment that was causing me to have these episodes. I had a very, optimistic sunny disposition all my life until that point. Therefore, at that point I felt like something was physically wrong. Because of the physical symptoms I was going through, I had heart palpitations and the sense of fear, I assumed there was something physically wrong with me. I didn’t put it off, I was just struggling to understand what I was going through.

Can a positive mental state 24-7 be a healthy and realistic way of looking at life?

No, definitely not. I think what I’m trying to get across is, what helped me is accepting what I was going through at that moment. So, instead of trying to change it, the game changer for me was saying “It’s okay, I’m having these heart palpitations, I’m having this fear of eating because I’m fearing I am going to choke. Okay, that’s what I’m experiencing. It’s okay. I don’t have to ask myself why it’s happening”. No, I don’t think it’s about having to have a sunny disposition all the time, It’s not about that.

Just accepting what you’re experiencing in that moment, whether you’re having a really hard time dealing with the stress of something that you’re struggling with it. Allowing yourself to have that moment to get angry, to cry, allowing yourself to experience that emotion because once you experience that emotion, you sort of let it go. It loses its energy and it’s about accepting these different forms of energy. You can look at it as forms of energy, some people talk about it like that. It’s definitely not about trying to constantly chase happiness, not at all.

Have you ever doubted yourself?

Yes, I doubted myself because I thought I was going crazy when I had anxiety. I didn’t know who I was, I think I lost my sense of identity. Maybe when I was doing my degree, I doubted my ability. I was struggling to perform at the level I wanted to in placements and stuff like that. Instead of faking it till you make it, I didn’t want to fake it till I made it. I didn’t enjoy the feeling of faking it till I made it.

Do you think the pressure people put on themselves when they are at that final point in their education, is it warranted or is it too much?

Definitely, I think people definitely put too much pressure on themselves. Whether it’s doing diplomas, degrees, whether it’s being a good mother or a good father, whether it’s being a good partner. We put pressure on ourselves to make sure we look a certain way, to be fit enough, to eat healthy enough. I think everyone is putting too much pressure on themselves. I think that’s what self-care is about. Not putting that pressure on yourself, accepting yourself for who you are in that moment and being okay with that.

Who’s to blame for that?

You know what, if every parent or if every child could be raised in such a way that acceptance of self becomes a priority. It’s not necessarily a parent’s responsibility, parents are going through their own thing and doing the best job that they can. It’s added pressure to be a good parent and all that, I don’t think anyone is to blame. I just think it would be really beneficial, if kids could be brought up by not just parents but teachers and those around them, to learn that they are okay just the way they are. Everyone has strengths and different weaknesses and tell them “You are okay just the way you are”. To learn to accept things as the way they are in that moment, to a degree though. I was really lucky, I had a really good childhood. I haven’t come from a dysfunctional home where things needed to change, I came from a very good home. Some people are brought up in homes that are very debilitating and that are dangerous for them. I can only talk from my experience.

Do you think self-love is easy to sustain?

You know what? I recon once you start doing it and you know what things give you enjoyment in life and they will change. These things change, what made you happy when you were 15, will be different to what makes you happy when you are 55 years old. I think everyone deserves the time to engage in their own self-care and everyone deserves that. I think you need to prioritise that. The question of whether it’s easy? It’s easy if you make it a priority. It’s not easy if you put everything else first.

What do you regret?

I don’t have any regrets. I accept everything for what it has been. I don’t have any regrets because whatever happened in that moment, there was no other way for it to happen. There are reasons why people do things, there is this amazing quote by Plato. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”. You got to keep that in mind, even when I’m around other people and customers it’s something that’s significantly prominent in my brain. Communicating with other people, you just have no idea what other people are going through. That’s maybe why they are talking to you in a certain way or treating you in a certain way because they’re having an inability to cope with what they’re going through.

Apart from the anxiety and panic attacks, have you ever felt you lost a part of yourself?

I don’t think so because everything I’ve done is a part of me. When I was studying I enjoyed what I was studying and that was who I was. It became a goal, it was what I was enjoying and what I was striving for. I think that’s why I got anxiety and a bit of depression, anxiety mostly because I no longer had that passion, no longer had that thing to strive for. I lost my sense of identity. I feel like your identity is linked to what you’re doing every day. If that’s taken away from you or if you’re no longer getting pleasure out of those things you’re engaged in you can feel lost. Especially me, if I’m involved in self-care activities and that’s no longer giving me pleasure it can make me feel a bit unstable. It feels like I am losing my sense of my identity a bit, what makes me who I am, and what makes me happy.

What do you count as your greatest and weakest qualities?

I think it can be a strength and a weakness. I would say one of my strengths is being someone that is quite proactive in changing a situation that’s not making me happy anymore. Engaging in something differently if it’s no longer meeting a need in me but it can also be a weakness because I have very little tolerance for people who aren’t shifting things in their life to make themselves happy. It’s a positive thing if I am trying to motivate and support a person who is inclined to shift or make a change. But for the person who’s just needing an ear, for someone who just wants someone to listen to them I’m trying to push them into being proactive and doing something that makes them happy and getting them out of the situation, they don’t need that at that point. They just need to be listened to, it can be hard for people.

I’m really good at my own self-care to a degree and therefore, I feel like I’m quite a balanced person. I can sometimes also influence others in getting that energy when they are in an interaction with me as well. A weakness I would say, I struggle and have very little tolerance for negativity. Maybe part of that is because I don’t enjoy feeling negative myself, I don’t like the idea someone else is having to feel negative. I’m really motivated to change that, that can be a negative.

What do you wish more for yourself?

That’s a good question. What do I wish more for myself? More self-love. I’ve got a lot of self-love, I really look after myself and I put myself first a lot. My needs come first, I feel like that’s the only way you can look after other people, is when you put yourself first. You get your needs met and then you can help others and look after others as well. What I wish more for myself is continuing self-love and self-care.

How are you feeling now?

I’m feeling really good. It was actually really enjoyable, it was a really enjoyable experience. It was really nice and you don’t often have a chance to self-reflect necessarily, it’s really nice to have the time to do that. I also got to say, the way you ask questions it’s so open and the way it’s so non-specific it really allows you to shape and self-reflect in a way that’s not tainted by a specific opinion. It allows you to go down the path you want too. It’s a really good experience, thanks Ele.

*Name has been changed to maintain confidentiality