SHANEET, 34 Peaceful

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

I’m feeling great, lovely to be here.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?

Let’s see, I’ve had undiagnosed depression since I was in high school, which was around 1998 until 2013. I was diagnosed with Major Depression in 2013. I didn’t have a lot of friends at school. I had social phobia and social anxiety as well. I used to avoid talking to people, because I knew whenever I made the attempt I’d start stammering, my heartbeat would start to race, I’d get socially anxious, I would get to the point where I’d struggle to get words out. At the end of the day, I would just be exhausted. I tried to keep sentences short, keep conversations limited to one or two answers. That was my high school years. When I was in Year 10 it started to get really bad. I would wander around at lunch time by myself, pretty much just avoiding socialising. I tried to be invisible. That also affected me when I went to university, the same thing would occur there. I would just go to class and not talk; the fear of speaking was quite strong, had a hard time making friends. Eventually I started skipping classes, because I wasn’t talking to anybody and wasn’t making friends. I wasn’t enjoying school, and after six months or so I quit the course.

I would then stay home, and use video games as a way to escape. I didn’t even want to think about it or try to seek help from a counsellor. Whenever I talked about it, it would just bring up old memories again and I would start crying. Video games were my only way to escape. I would just escape to another world, and after a while I would feel okay. At home I didn’t stammer, it was only when I was out in public places. My family didn’t know, and I was ashamed to tell them, because with them I didn’t stammer as much. I would still get anxious, but I was able to control it a lot better at home. Being at home was my comfort zone. I was ashamed to tell them that when I went out in public, I had a hard time talking. For example, if I had to go on a train and buy a ticket from the counter, I would try and point to avoid talking, or use some hand signals to get the job done. I would wait until there was no queue, as the more people were around me, the more anxious I would get. Sometimes I would avoid buying a ticket all together. If I went to a café to buy a drink, I would prefer to just point and keep sentences as short as possible. The longer the conversations went, the more my anxiety would rise and stammering would increase.

In 2010, I decided to do a cooking course because I thought I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone, would only need to worry about cooking. In the course, having never cooked before, I would be far behind. When I had to explain to the teacher about my dish in front of the class, I would start to stammer. Other times when my stammering was worse, was when I worked as a cashier at BI-LO Supermarket for a year from 1999-2000. I’m not sure if you guys remember, but it was similar to Coles. Again, I was so afraid of conversations with people, I tried to limit interactions with customers to saying “hi” and scanning the goods, and that was it. It was very exhausting because I was always thinking about what not to say or do that might result in having a conversation. At the end of the day, your mind is so tired. The worst time at BI-LO supermarket was when an item didn’t go through, and back then we had to call for a price check over the speakerphone. My anxiety would be so high I would be stammering, and everyone in the entire supermarket could hear me stammering through the speakers.

It was very embarrassing that I developed a phone phobia. I had social phobia and a phobia of talking on the phone as well. Whenever my Aunties or Uncles would call, I’d just pretend to ignore them. There was a long period of time when I didn’t answer calls at all. I would rely on my parents to answer calls, or if people wanted to talk to me on the phone I’d say, “I can’t be bothered”. I’d pretend to not care, I preferred that to them finding out I couldn’t talk to people. I remember this one time I was speaking to my Auntie over the phone and I couldn’t have a normal conversation with her. It would start out well, but the longer the conversation went on, the more my nerves would start to rise. The more my nerves rose, the more I would start to stammer. I wasn’t sexually abused, I wasn’t bullied in class, and I wasn’t tortured in anyway. My anxiety and depression were brought on over time by my own experiences of failing to communicate. It was probably because I wanted to escape from it, and thinking about it was too painful. Because I didn’t take care of it, the anxiety and depression just built up.

In 2006, I worked as a kitchen hand for Conservatory restaurant at Crown, it’s a very fast paced environment, you have to be very fast which would increase my heart rate. Combined with my anxiety, I would start to stammer whenever I had to talk to anyone, and after seeing the expressions on other people’s faces, sometimes I would feel like punching a wall or going downstairs and crying in private. I thought about suicide a lot during that time, I would fantasise about painless ways to die. In 2012, I decided to try and complete my software development course, I knew I had to find some career, couldn’t just stay at home. I still didn’t want to seek help because I didn’t want to bring up the memories and I didn’t think I was depressed. I knew I was sad but I thought depression happened to people who had gone through something traumatic, such as sexual or physical abuse or people who had lost their homes. I thought those people had depression, but I thought I was just emotionally weak and couldn’t deal with my problems. I didn’t hate anyone else or blame them, but I loathed and hated myself.

So, I went back to my course. I had this dream of just finishing the course, and then things would work out fine. I was doing well at the course, getting distinctions and high distinctions, but the problems were still there. I was still avoiding talking to people, and I only had one friend. Whenever his other friends would come around our table, I would have a hard time fitting in, mainly because I was very hesitant to join in on the conversation. Whenever I did try, it would come out awkwardly, with stammering or awkward pauses. I had a few experiences during my studies which caused me to lose hope. I’d prefer not to talk about it but with those experiences, I started thinking that even if my stammering went away, I would always still be alone. That caused my self-belief to plummet. I started thinking “What is the point of studying well if things will never change?” When these types of thoughts started taking a hold of me, my depression came back a lot stronger. I started eating a lot more on purpose, left my course and made long-term suicidal plans. I won’t go into detail, but I made two attempts on my life.

When that didn’t happen, I started seeing a counsellor. I actually didn’t believe things would get better, it was more to keep my sister happy. I decided to see a counsellor at church, mainly because it was cheaper that way. I didn’t really believe in God until then. The counsellor was good, he was using proven secular counselling techniques, but I didn’t care and believe. I just wanted peace, which is why I attempted suicide twice. My mood would go up and down. There were periods where I would be happy, and periods where I would just be sad. I still didn’t think things would change, but I decided to give Jesus a try before I would think about a third attempt. I started listening to Christian songs. I wasn’t going to church much at the time because the messages were a bit confusing at times, and it didn’t give me peace. But I remember that whenever I was listening to Christian songs, I felt peace in my heart, especially when I started thanking Jesus. I was pretty much crying for one or two weeks, listening to the songs through Spotify while driving to work or at the computer. Other times I found that sense of peace and joy was when I was praying for others and trying to express love towards other people.

I didn’t feel peace all the time, but I did during the moments when I felt genuine love for others. It’s not like as soon as I think something nice about someone else I get peace and joy. It was when my heart was aligned with them, that’s when I felt at peace, and the more I felt joy. That was comfort for me. The more I went towards it and overtime, I started to relate to parts in the Bible, especially when it mentions peace and joy. There is a verse in the Bible that says, “Joy of the lord is my strength”. Previously I didn’t know what it meant, but now I can relate to it, I know exactly what it means. It’s because of my feelings of joy for Jesus that I keep coming towards him, I can seek shelter in him, let Jesus take away my sorrows. For a long time, I didn’t know what faith was. Each person will have their own perspectives, but for me, before I found God I thought faith was a mental exercise. Just having the thought of “I believe in Jesus”, and that’s it. You still struggle with life.

However, as I was able to relate to parts of the Bible, my faith started to increase. I found that a lot of the verses in the Bible has a deeper meaning to them. For example, when the disciples say, “Be overflowing with thankfulness towards Jesus”, I used to think that meant always thanking Jesus throughout the day. To me that sounded like a command, too much work, who can thank Jesus all day? However, as I continued enjoying being with Jesus, gradually I realised that’s not what it meant. If all you are doing is thanking him and not enjoying it, that’s just an obligation. When your heart is filled with gratitude and you are enjoying being with Jesus, you want to thank him. That’s when I was feeling a sense of peace. Slowly my thoughts started changing, and my heart started to heal. I started feeling lighter, if that makes sense. It was like a burden was slowly getting lifted away, which is exactly like what Jesus says in Bible about going to him when you are weary and finding rest.

In the Bible, Jesus says, “For whosoever will save his life, shall lose it: and whosoever shall lose his life for my sake, shall find it”. At first, I thought this was a harsh command. I thought it meant living a life of misery, just doing his will and having no life. But the more I felt his joy and peace, I gradually started to realise what this verse meant. To me it means leaving my old life behind, and living for him. My old life was filled with worries of what I had, didn’t have, my past, future, etc. It was filled with despair, worries, frustration and anxiety. In my new life, I am still pursuing those things that used to worry me in my old life such as a partner, house and family, but in the heart, it is all about enjoying being with Jesus and bringing love to others.

The more I enjoyed being with Jesus, the more I wanted to help others out of love and gratitude for Jesus. It was almost like my heart was being filled with love, replacing all the sadness and sorrow that was there initially. Things such as doing volunteer work and donating money to charities started happening naturally, it was an expression of love. From my perspective, this is what Jesus meant when he talks about him being the bread of life, whoever goes to him will never go hungry or thirsty. As my old life started getting replaced with the new life, again I could relate it back to the Bible. It’s not like I went paranoid and thought of only this 24-7, I still enjoyed things like watching movies, reading books and playing computer games. But what healed my heart was spending time with Jesus.

In the Bible, there is a verse that talks about people who believe in Christ having a new mind and new heart. Now when I come across verse like the one above in Bible, I know exactly what it means. My old life is gone, the new life is here and I didn’t even force the new life and heart. All I did was enjoy being with him. I didn’t study the bible and immediately know what I need to do. That is too much hard work. I don’t even read the Bible that much, but I do enjoy spending time with Jesus. I try to keep my mind and heart on things above, not on earthly things. I have come across passages in the Bible that talk about “living life in spirit, gives life not death”. Life in spirit according to Bible is all about loving Jesus and other people. It has nothing to do with you or worrying about your life.

Again, this is my perspective, as I am finding peace and life. Before I found God, I used to think it was too much hard work and too harsh. I am finding my new life is slowly becoming more peaceful. It doesn’t mean I go crazy and think about this 24-7, although I think if I ever enjoyed thinking like this 24-7, at that point I will have actually become love. But for me it is to do with the heart, having those moments throughout the day where the heart rejoices in fulfilling the desires of the spirit. That is where I am getting the peace and joy from. When I started to relate to all these things that before I couldn’t, my faith started to increase.

Now when I’m in a public place, I don’t really get anxiety anymore and hardly stammer. Even if I do stumble, I don’t dwell on that. I don’t ask myself “Why did I stammer? What could I have done better?” Dwelling on it will just bring sadness to the heart. It’s not that it is bad, but if that grips the heart it is hard to get out of. So, I don’t even want to dwell on negative thoughts. I enjoy being grateful to Christ, and I still want to bring love towards other people. I haven’t given up the desire to have a partner or house, but I’m no longer concerned about not having those things right now. I don’t have depression or anxiety anymore, and I can talk to people. I’ve applied for a job as a support worker, which is a very public role, I have to talk to groups of people. I’m fine doing that, so life’s good.

As the stammering begun in high school, what was it about people and socialising that you were afraid of?

I was afraid of what they would think of me. Especially because of how movies portrayed people who stammered, it wasn’t a very positive look. I was concerned about that. I’ve always stammered, but it got worse when I was in high school. I still have stammering now but only occasionally. When I had those bad experiences, especially at BI-LO Supermarket, it was just amplified.

During any one of these experiences, can you remember ever wanting to shout out a thought or feeling you felt at the time?

Nothing in particular comes to mind, but there were instances where I just wanted to have a normal conversation, without the heart racing and the awkwardness.

In that moment at BI-LO what did you need for someone to say to you?

Not sure, I think it would have helped if someone just came and said, “Are you okay?” I might have broken down and cried if someone did that. I used to come home and just cry after I stammered over the speakers at the supermarket. Or I’d try and bury those memories by watching movies and just not thinking about it. I think people at the store were not sure of what to say, so it kind of got ignored. But that’s okay, I have no ill feelings towards them.

Did you develop any skills to handle the stammering other than to avoid talking?

I tried few speech pathology sessions, they didn’t help a lot for me.

Do you think your family could have done more for you?

If I had told them, yes. How can they help, if I don’t tell them? They didn’t know, so I don’t blame them in any way.

When you were at breaking point regarding your depression, what pulled you out of those suicidal thoughts each time?

I was still living with my dad, so when I had decided to suicide I made long term plans. I knew that if I made any sudden attempts my Dad would know. I planned to save money to buy the supplies and stuff, and whilst I was saving money I ate unhealthily. I ate lots of junk food and just didn’t care. I wasn’t brave enough to use any of painful suicidal methods, I wanted to go the peaceful way. Those peaceful methods didn’t work out. I thought about using a knife or other quick methods, but I found these methods were painful ways to end your life, so I wasn’t brave enough to try the quick methods.

What did you fear more, your anxiety or depression?

In public, the social phobia was probably the worst. When I was at home it was the phone phobia and with the depression, I didn’t really care. I thought it was just what life was like, I didn’t care. Fear wise, it was probably social phobia and phone phobia.

Do you think your religious beliefs may mask your depression and anxiety?.

It depends. If I were to think about all those things I did before, then yes, but I don’t think about those things. It doesn’t even occur in my mind anymore. I guess if I stopped spending time with Jesus, slowly those other desires would start coming back and take hold in my heart. Then I might start getting depressed, I’m not sure.

Have you ever doubted your faith?

In the beginning, yes. But the more I was able to relate to those parts of the Bible, the more my faith increased. I’m not saying I understand all of the Bible, there is still a lot I don’t get, especially from the old testament. But when I can relate to those parts in the Bible I talked about earlier and how they changed my mind and heart, it’s exactly like what it says in the Bible from my perspective. For me, it’s no longer a mental exercise in having faith in Jesus.

Do you think faith is easy to maintain for people when they have a mental illness?

I think it is, maybe not with a mental illness, but with some type of crisis where people need help. To find peace and to find joy, it doesn’t just come like that. It has to come from the heart, that’s what I’m finding. A lot of it has to do with the heart. If your life is good to begin with, I don’t think people will spend as much time aligning their heart with Christ. It happens when people’s lives start to go bad. I don’t know about anyone else, but the only reason I found peace was because my heart and my thinking process started to change. In other words, if I was praising Jesus and still worrying about my life, I wouldn’t feel Jesus’s joy and peace.

Have you ever felt resentment towards your faith for having a mental illness?

No, because very early on I felt his peace, I realised when it was coming. I realised it was always coming when it was around things of love. There is a passage in the Bible where one of the disciples talks about always thinking of things that are lovely, always think of things as admirable. Before I found God, I would have read that as if it was a command, thinking like that all day is so tiring. I used to think I’d have to be a goody two-shoes. Now that I have found God, I know it’s not actually about this, a person can still be goody two-shoes and have a sad life. For me, it’s to do with the heart.

Does your heart want to show gratitude? Does your heart want to show love towards others? Does your heart want to praise and glorify Jesus? There are times when I just feel like praising him, praying, thanking him. And again, I am not very religious, by that I mean I don’t do it for hours each day. I might do it in morning while eat breakfast, then when I am driving to work I feel like doing it again. Later at work sometimes I feel like going back to him. It is the joy that keeps bringing me back to him. It’s not the chore or discipline that I used to think of it as before. A lot of it has to do with peace, and if I hadn’t found peace a lot of it would have felt like a chore.

Do you feel you need your religious beliefs to show gratitude and love?

For me, yes. There are times when it’s tough to show love and gratitude to others, because not everyone will appreciate what you’re doing. It is easy to love others when they love you back or when life is good. It is hard to be loving when times are tough, or when the person you are trying to love doesn’t like you. For me, since I dislike any negative feelings, I don’t even want to feel anything bad. It doesn’t mean I let people use me or treat me badly, but I still want to align my heart with them. I don’t want the negative feelings to get a hold of my heart. So, when it’s tough to love others, I spend time rejoicing in Jesus, I allow him to take the sorrows, anger and despair away. Once the negative feelings are gone, it’s a lot easier to love others, even the people who don’t like you or when times are tough.

Is that standard morals that we are all taught though? Be kind to others, show gratitude and love and regardless of whether you receive it back or not it’s still without having to have a religious umbrella over it?

For me, being religious and loving Jesus are different things. Being religious means following rules, “Do this, do that or God will be upset with you”. For me, loving Jesus is being free from that. I don’t want to follow the rules. If all I am doing is following the rules, there is no life and joy there. I want to be love. I know this sounds cheesy, but the more I am finding peace and joy, I am realising it has to do with more than just being kind and showing gratitude. It is about genuinely loving others. Again, loving others when they love you back or when life is good is easy to do without Jesus (as I used to do before I found God). But now as I am finding peace and joy with love, I want to be love all the time. For me this is what Jesus meant when he said in the Bible. “Kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field”. The only way I can love others when they don’t love me is to also love Jesus the most. I allow him to heal my heart, take the sorrows away, and give me strength.

One thing I realised and another reason why I believe in Christ, is the part of the Bible that says, “Guard your heart, for everything you do will come out of it”. Again, before I found God I would think this meant things like not watching action movies, playing computer games and always thinking of good things (basically a goody two-shoes). People can still do all that and still be violent people or have sad lives. For me, it’s to do with what has gripped the heart. I don’t think there is anything wrong with watching action movies or PC games, as long as my heart doesn’t start becoming like that. The best way for me to guard the heart is again to enjoy being with Jesus, which is all about love. As I fulfil the desires of the spirit, my heart starts becoming love, filled with peace and joy, my heart is naturally guarded all the time and I am not even forcing it. I have realised that before I found God, I wasn’t guarding my heart.

I’ve realised that’s what happened to me over the years. Yes, I stammered a lot, people laughed at me, and I didn’t have a lot of friends. But because I dwelled on it, over time the sadness, anger and despair started to grip my heart. It becomes very hard to get out of that. So for me, guarding the heart is very important, and the only way I can do that is to enjoy spending time with Jesus. Another verse from the Bible is “Seek the lord’s presence and enter into his presence and rest”. I used to not know what that meant, but it’s those moments, where you are at complete rest, where Christ fulfils your every need. Your heart is filled with joy and gratitude. During those moments, whatever hurt has been caused to me, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m still able to find the joy and peace in Jesus, it’s almost like he’s taken all the hurt I had away.

For me, this is another reason why I say I don’t have depression anymore. A lot of the sadness has gone. When I had depression, I would cry before going to sleep, used to fast forward movies just to get to the end, turn computer games off after 30 minutes out. I was losing joy in things I used to enjoy before. Now I don’t cry at night, can watch entire movies happily and play computer games for 2 hours and not feel bored or sad etc.

Do you feel like Jesus or your religion saved you?

For me it is Jesus, I wouldn’t say religion, because to me religion is a set of rules. What cured my depression was love I was experiencing from seeking Jesus.

Where do you think you’d be now if religion wasn’t in the picture?

I’d still be going to see a counsellor. Since the reason I chose God in the first place was a last attempt to find peace before thinking of trying a third suicide attempt. I would still be depressed, fast forward movies, cry to sleep, play games for 30 mins etc. Sometimes while talking to friends I would want to go somewhere and sit by myself. I was slowly starting to lose joy. Back then, I didn’t think my hope for my life would improve.

What’s been one of the hardest decisions you’ve had to make for you to grow as a person?

The more I started to feel the peace and joy of spending time with Jesus, the more I realised what I had to do. The peace with Jesus never came when I was dwelling inwards, when I was worrying about life. His peace and joy always came when I was filled with gratitude towards him. It never came when I was thinking “Why Jesus, why haven’t you answered my prayers?” It never came when I was looking down, but it always came when I was filled with gratitude towards him and loving towards others. That is when I realised I had to give up all those desires that had taken a hold of me in the heart, and only have Jesus in there. At first, I thought that was a life of misery or hard work, but then I realised basically it’s just about enjoying being with him. I still pray and work towards those desires I had before, but in the heart what is most important is Jesus, and serving others for him. It’s all my strength. Without him life is tough. With Jesus as the center of the heart, it’s all his strength. Life is easy, sometimes it feels I am just going along for a ride and Jesus is doing all the work. Hope for those desires is always there, since my faith in Jesus has grown and I have found peace.

What do you recall as one of the happiest moments in your life so far?

The way life is right now, it’s probably the happiest I’ve been in quite a while. Probably because of how my mind is now and how it thinks, the more I found my peace in Jesus. I’ve started to see that even if I didn’t have all those things I wanted in my old life, I can still have joy, I can still have love. Before this my happiest time was probably when I was a kid, when I was in Fiji playing with dogs.

In my life before there was a lot of burden, a lot of thoughts like, “When will I find a house? How will I get over my stammering? How will I find a partner?” But recently, I feel like a lot of the burden has gone.

How are you feeling now?

I’m feeling great.