SARAH*, 29 Kind

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

I am feeling good at the moment.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health?

My journey with mental health hasn’t been too bad. However, in saying that, I have experienced mental health issues, especially as I have become a mother, as well as being in my early twenties. I have always been a slightly nervous person, and as a child, I wasn’t very confident (I am told this is still the case), but I was always happy. I am lucky to say I had a wonderful happy childhood and adolescence. However, I would stress and overanalyse, even from a young age. Not to a point where it debilitated me in any way, but I was quite aware of myself and the implications of my actions (or non-action). It wasn’t until I developed orthorexia (an obsession with losing weight and eating healthily) in my early twenties that I really had to stop and look at my mental health. I saw a counsellor a few times, and although that didn’t really help too much, falling pregnant with my son really made me have to focus on having more moderation with my eating. I literally did not have a choice, and it forced me out of what could have become a fully-fledged eating disorder. Carrying a human life really woke me up and made me refocus my priorities. Having my son and being around other mothers who literally do not care about their weight, and are proud of their bodies, also really help to alter my perspective.

However, although, having a son helped me out of my obsessive healthy eating, my anxiety did not go away completely. Keeping him safe, and the fear of losing him, became my new point of obsession, and it has brought me to tears many a time, even when I have no logical reason to assume he is not. After childbirth, your hormones change as a mother, and you are more susceptible to postnatal depression and anxiety. Although I feel I have really gotten off lightly, I do fret about my son and his safety on a daily basis. However, I have the knowledge and the skills to tell myself, ‘that is anxiety’, and force myself to move on. This is vital, because the more you feed these thoughts, the more they come. So, although I have had a glimpse of the darker side of mental health, I feel I haven’t really had all the symptoms. On a daily basis, I am a pretty happy, calm and easy going person, and if something upsets me, I just chat to my sister, fiancé or close friends and that always helps. Talking through any anxieties or sadness always helps me through.

Where do you think that anxiety & lack of confidence from your childhood/adolescence stem from?

I don’t think the anxiety and lack of confidence stems from anything in particular. I have always just been a really reflective person, and I suppose that makes it hard for me to be confident. I overthink and overanalyse everything, and this makes it hard for me to feel 100% confident, even when I know the answer. I am also a very sensitive person. It is very easy to hurt my feelings, and I take things to heart, so I am especially cautious when making decisions, so this leads to my lack of overt confidence. Regarding my anxiety, I know my mother has anxiety. She also has an autoimmune disease called Hashimotos, which affects the thyroid, and can make you anxious. I also have that same autoimmune disease, and I believe this has led to me feeling more anxious. But in saying that, I have always been nervous about small things. Perhaps there were things from my childhood which contributed to this, but for as long as I can remember, I was this way. Even in prep and kindergarten I was really shy and had a lot of separation anxiety when I had to leave my mum to go to school.

Having developed orthorexia in your early twenties, how did that affect you mentally?

Orthorexia was something that I truly believed at the time was helping me. I think having it in my twenties gave me an insight into mental health issues. I had never really had too many issues before this, so after speaking with someone about it I realised there was more to life. In saying that, I believe that an eating disorder never really leaves you. I’m not saying I obsess over food, but many people who are recovering from some sort of eating disorder agree that it is always kind of in the distance.

How has your diet played a part in your mental and physical health?

My diet has been a huge influence on both my mental and physical health. Obviously, I’ve divulged that I suffer from eating disorders, but I also have an autoimmune disease, and found out at 26 years of age that I have Hashimoto’s Disease and am a coeliac, and cannot have gluten and most dairy products. Having done so many diets, I found it really easy to cut out entire food groups. That sounds bad, but it kind of helped a lot. When I eat well I feel great, and I think that is important to note. But I know that thinking about my weight isn’t good and doesn’t help my anxieties and overall stress levels.

Do you think your son is aware of how protective you are of him?

I think my son knows how much I love him, but I don’t think he knows how protective I am of him. He wouldn’t understand that at this point. But I don’t think he will understand any of that, really, until he is a parent. You can never understand that kind of overwhelming love till you have a child of your own. It’s an all-consuming, and totally selfless type of love that I personally had never, ever had before. It’s amazing but frightening at the same time.

Do you feel you have lost a sense of enjoyment of the moment by worrying so much about your son?

No, I don’t feel I have lost a sense of enjoyment when I am with him. He actually makes me feel totally in the moment. Children have a way of doing that. You literally have to be in the moment when you are with them. They have this beautiful ability to make you see only them, and what is in front of you. It is so delightful and refreshing. I suppose that is why I chose to be a primary school teacher. I actually worry about him when I am driving to work and when I am not with him. I get a fair bit of separation anxiety after weekends and especially after school holidays. It is hard working full time when you just love your child so much. I miss him so much and feel anxiety or guilt for working. Not that it is a choice for us, to be honest, but I still feel guilt. They say the second your child is born, you inherit this thing called mothers guilt, I would tend to agree.

If you were looking in the mirror at your body in this present moment, what do you think your first thought would be?

If I look in the mirror at my body at the moment my first thought would be to try and stop negative thoughts and to remember my affirmations, in order to preserve self-love. Unfortunately, I don’t look and say I love every part of myself, but I am working on that. I generally look straight at my tummy and kind of hope it looks flatter than the day before, but not to the point where it affects me for the rest of the day. I can put it aside and deal with real issues now, rather than focus on that. I can’t say it doesn’t affect me, but I honestly can say that it affects me much, much less. I honestly also don’t know a girl who doesn’t think the same way. It’s sad that it is normalised for women to dislike their bodies, but that’s how it is. I believe that men are starting to feel the same pinch that women have felt for ages now.

Do you find building your confidence through a support system works better for you, or is it all self-taught?

I do find that by trying new things and expanding in my career, that I have built my confidence heaps. My close friends and family do a lot to help me feel better as well, but my work has really helped shape and build my self-esteem and confidence.

Do you tend to stand for what you believe in, or try to please others?

I can say, hands down, that I unfortunately please others more than I stand for what I believe in. I don’t like conflict or not having ‘nice happy moments’, so I truly put myself second, and agree with people to their faces, even when I truly don’t, at work, in friendships and lesser in my partnership with my fiancé. I know that I am a people pleaser, and apparently, that lessens as you get older, but I genuinely just like harmony and peace, and don’t want to upset that just be right about a contentious issue. Also, I am not quick in arguments, even when I know all the facts. I am more of a reflective person that stews on things, and always thinks after the fact, ‘Oh I should have said that’. I am not an argumentative, dominant or aggressive person by nature, so when I need to be assertive, I often can’t be. Not that assertive people are aggressive, but they are definitely not as passive as I am. Although, when it comes to things that really matter, I can be very passionate about what I think and will stand up for the little guy/ underdog.

When was the saddest moment of your life, Sarah?

The saddest moment of my life was probably when my ex of 5 years broke up with me. Although it was followed by being the happiest I had ever been, and was the best moment of my life really, as this was when all the toxicity in my life melted away, I was devastated in that moment. Little did I know that I would be much better off without him. It was an abusive relationship that really took a toll on my self-esteem. When we broke up, I suffered a deep sense of loss and grief, but soon after that, I started to wake up and realise that I was much better off without him. It was a weird mix of emotions, as I was grieving, and missed him, but also so angry at what I had let him do to me. I have been lucky that I haven’t, at this point in my life, had worse things happen.

Did you feel you lost yourself whilst in that relationship?

I don’t feel I lost myself in that relationship because it was a very cold and distant relationship. My ex was distant and cold. He never let me in, so I had no choice but to be around other people, and it was really my friends who carried me through it all. They gave me the love and guidance that was missing in my relationship. My ex had heaps of intimacy issues, so he pushed me away. This made it easy for me to retain my sense of identity, and also made it easier for me when we broke up.

Walk me through the stages of what you told yourself, and how you realised you were better without your ex?

While I was with my ex, I knew he was bad news, but it wasn’t until we broke up that I started to really realise how bad it actually was. I remember always feeling like ‘oh I wish he were more supportive’ or ‘I wish we were more of a team’, but it wasn’t until we broke up that I realised how many of wishes and needs I had that he wasn’t fulfilling. On the second day we broke up, I was in the backseat of the best friend’s boyfriend’s car. I had just said to them, ‘I could never do better than him’, and they both scoffed and laughed with disbelief. They told me how horrible and arrogant he was, and how poorly he treated me. I was genuinely shocked at how transparent this situation had been for everyone around me, and the realisation and resentment started to unfold from there. My anger just grew. Sometimes it would turn back to sadness, and other times, I would feel forgiving. But to be honest, even to this day, I still unfortunately feel that anger. I got over him pretty quickly, but I am still pretty disgusted at the way he treated me and spoke to me. I suppose I am angrier at myself for putting up with it for all that time.

Do you have any regrets, Sarah?

I do have regrets. I wish I just did CRT (emergency teaching) as soon as I finished my degree. It would have put me in a much better position than I am in now. I am a first-year teacher and a mum of a toddler, and it is incredibly challenging. I wish I had started my career earlier, and had more faith in my ability to get work.

Do you trust your intuition?

Yes I do trust my intuition, but I am never 100% certain of anything, so I don’t make or jump to any big conclusions. I might secretly think something, but won’t let onto others that I feel that way.

What do you need to do to take the next step in your personal growth?

I really think I need to build my resilience as ,well as trying to quieten my mind. I let my thoughts run wild sometimes, and get the better of me. I need to work on learning to be more at peace and less anxious about every decision I have made. People sometimes say that it must be exhausting to overthink the way I do. But I don’t really think I over think things, I think I am just honest and say things other people don’t have the guts to say out loud. For instance, I have no problem telling a colleague I’m close with, that I am feeling anxious and why, even if the reason is ridiculous. But most, people don’t talk about this, perhaps because they don’t feel the same way, or maybe because they are more reserved than I am, and don’t want to show weakness. I don’t know, but I feel like this is definitely an area I could work on.

Are you a perfectionist? If so, do you believe this trait can hold you back?

I am a perfectionist in some ways, but not in others. I am also really task-driven, which takes the edge of the perfectionism in some ways. I do know I have really high standards for myself, and can be particularly cruel and unkind to myself at times. So yes, in ways it does hold me back from feeling the happiest I could possibly be.

What’s the last thing you did that involved stepping outside of your comfort zone?

I don’t really step out of my comfort zone much, but taking this new job as a grade 1/2 primary teacher has really challenged me. I also had a really volatile work environment last year which I had to report to the department of human services. I really didn’t want to report it, but it turned out to be the best thing I could do. I found it stressful and anxiety inducing, but looking back, I am really happy I did the right thing. I really don’t like taking risks and being out of my comfort zone. I am the kind of person who loves structure and things remaining the same. I love routine.

Do you feel indecision can hold you captive?

My indecision helps me in many ways. I don’t make quick and impulsive decisions. I think everything through and I feel it makes me much more well-rounded. I don’t see the world as black and white, I see it in many shades, and can read between the lines. I like to know as much as I can, and as I get older, I am learning that the more I know, the less I know. In teaching, there is a saying, Learners for Life, and I feel like I’m always learning. But there are times when, yes, I wish I was more decisive, like when I am shopping or during arguments, but all in all, I am happy with my way of being.

As marriage is on the horizon, what do you believe is the key to making your love last?

Relationships are hard work. You have to be prepared to understand that perfection doesn’t exist. I also think you need to love yourself, and set firm boundaries for yourself in terms of what is ok and what is not, and make this clear to your partner. They will treat you better, and respect you more for it. Relationships involve a lot of sacrifice, but are always worth it. It also helps to have a chat to a friend about aspects I’m unsure about or need help with.

How do you make the most out of yourself?

By trying new things and accomplishing goals. As I said earlier, I love meeting goals and getting things done, it makes me feel great. I also love being around other people and socialising. That really makes me happy.

How do you find joy within the most chaotic days?

My son Jamie helps me find joy even on my most chaotic days. He is just beautiful, and helps pull me out of any mood I am in. Talking to my best friend can also really help me feel better, listening to music or going for a walk. Cleaning can helps me feel much better, and sometimes just watching Louise Hays or Abraham Hicks on You Tube really helps too, as it centres me. Also, just listening to relaxation music at work, while I plan my lessons and catch up on everything helps me to centre and get things done.

What is the last thing that made you genuinely laugh out loud?

My son made me laugh out loud this morning when he was brushing his teeth. It was just ridiculous and hilarious. Even when we are rushing and scrambling to get in the car to get to work on time he makes me laugh. Children have a way of doing that, they are just wonderful.

How are you feeling now?

I am feeling quite content and happy at the moment. Maybe because I am slightly hungover and it is a Sunday, and I have cooked all my meals for the week, and have all the washing done (hahaha such a mum), but I am feeling content and at ease. I am a little tired and feeling a bit sad because the work week is about to start, and I will be away from my son. But I’m happy with what I got to do with my boys over the weekend, and grateful that I have them in my life, as they make me so happy.

*Name has been changed to maintain confidentiality