PHA, 35 Switch

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

Yeah I’m alright, I’m okay.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?

Journey… gee, that’s a good question. I wasn’t expecting to get that question from the top; I was thinking it would be more intro questions. I guess this is a tough one, in regards to these issues, as they are up and down. I’ve had more downs in the past, but at the moment, I’m probably in a better place than I was before. It doesn’t always balance, but it’s more stable than it was, I guess.

You mentioned in the past, it was more severe. Can you elaborate on that?

Okay, I guess in the past, it was hard. I’m pinpointing various stages at the moment, like, where I identified it as a problem, because I’ve never had it properly diagnosed. I’ve seen psychologists but they were kind of freebies, so they didn’t feel too serious to me. Pretty much like, someone suggested this thing, so I’ll just go to it, but I don’t really care. I think, probably, High School. There were probably issues in Primary School, but as a kid, you don’t really notice, it feels normal. It was the usual, bullying. In High School, I didn’t get into any physical fights, which was okay; just average people teasing. That stuff was normal. I was probably more isolated. I isolated myself. I had one real friend growing up, which was not a good thing for me. He was a good guy, but it wasn’t good for me to have just the one person in my life. I had trouble talking to people, and that was part of it; most of it, actually. That’s when it developed, in High School, because I didn’t want to interact with too many people, apart from my friend. For some reason, I kept my head way down and was always looking at the floor. I also had trouble looking at people directly. I still carry these traits. Slightly improved over the years, but, still not quite there. Anyway, back then, I had also developed a stutter. Yeah, that was disturbing, as it just happened, and it felt normal. I thought, this is it, I’ll just stutter for the rest of my life. Later, someone brought me to a clinic at Latrobe University to look into it.

They were trying to work it out, as stuttering is different for each person. The reason why people stutter differs. I guess for me, after some tests, they discovered it was a mental thing, and not a physical thing. I could physically say the words, that was no problem. It was just a mental thing, something I didn’t realise was happening on the inside. One interesting exercise I remember doing involved them playing back a video recording of me talking. I got to see myself talk, and that was really awkward. You think how you talk is normal, but when you see yourself talk, you think, this is weird; do I actually do this stuff when I talk? It’s a good exercise. If people saw how they behaved, they would probably be embarrassed because the way they see themselves doing things is often not how it looks to everyone else. I don’t remember how I got past it. After realising what it was, I worked on it, but I’m not sure what I did… Oh, that’s right, my friend sent me to a psychologist. After a number of sessions, it didn’t go away completely, but most of it vanished. I worked on it after finding out it was a mental issue. Before that, I just kept stuttering like it was normal. Also, other people could perceive my mood, where I couldn’t. They had me try different medications, which was pretty interesting. Usually they would have you see a psychologist to get referred to for medication, but my friend told me to just ask for a particular type of tablet. So I just went to the doctor, asked for it, and he said “yep”, and gave me the medication.

At the time, I felt unsure, but I took it anyway. Kept going back into the sessions, because they were free, so I didn’t mind. It may have worked. It was called Aropax. I think it’s a common one now. Yeah, I think it did work because I remember doing an experiment on myself. Usually, the dosage was, x amount, say, one or two per day. One time I increased the dosage to see what would happen. After doing that I started doing things I normally wouldn’t because my body felt completely normal at the time. I remember playing some practical jokes at work and scaring people. I asked random people things like, “what should I do about diarrhoea?” So probably stuff I normally wouldn’t have dared to do.

In terms of your stuttering, did you feel you used it as a safety measure when it came to socialising?

Yeah, I’m not too sure. I can’t even remember how I got past it. I’m sure it developed in high school though. I remember it being worse in high shcool. I actually changed highschool. I started off at one school which was more formal, with uniforms, then I changed, mostly because my friend was moving high schools. I wanted to hang out with my friend because, well, I didn’t have anyone else. I moved to the same high school as he did, and that place was a lot rougher. You could wear whatever you wanted, and you called the teachers by their first names, which was different, but it was normal over there. The kids were a lot more rough and tough I guess, at least in the first few years, but later, after the older ones left, it got better. I think my stuttering developed around that time.

When was bullying a main issue?

All throughout, it was mostly due to my non-participation in a lot of things, such as sports. I guess it started at Primary School. I was hanging out with my friends and had some actual fights in Primary School, which I guess was normal. There was just regular teasing. Nothing special. I didn’t get teased daily. I may have, but not that I remember. It was just normal, I guess, as I said, I didn’t get into any real fights in high school, and that was probably because they couldn’t get a reaction out of me. I was too distant. I wasn’t aggressive, so that’s why they bullied me.

If you had the chance to see those people again now, would you feel comfortable?

It probably wouldn’t go too well. I’d feel comfortable confronting them, but it would probably get violent, so, not a good idea.

Going to the psychologist, were you ever diagnosed?

No, I wasn’t. I was just sent there. I met a friend during this transition period between high school and a TAFE course called Design Studies where you would create a portfolio of work and graduate into some kind of course afterwards at Uni or TAFE. I met someone while I was there who was associated with the Rotary Club. He had a lot of contacts, so he referred me to a lot people. He mentioned sending me to a psychologist, who at the time, was a backyard psychologist. He had his own backyard office. It was an okay setup, but I couldn’t take him seriously. The main thing I felt personally, was the age thing. He was really old. This guy was like a doctor from World War 2, so he was that old. I couldn’t take it seriously. I thought, “what’s this guy going to help me with?” I didn’t really think much of it. I just went because it was something to do. I was starting at TAFE at the time. I just went and thought it was another exercise. I don’t think it helped me at all, it was just something to do.

At the time, what made you think there was something wrong with you?

I still isolated myself from people because I didn’t know how to talk to them. Even looking back now, at Design Studies, there were actually a few people who wanted to be friends. I didn’t push them away directly, but, I didn’t know how to talk to them. Didn’t know how to discuss things with them, or how to build friendships. I still know some of them. I just couldn’t establish that bond, as I didn’t know how to. The one friend I had growing up, he was as awkward as I was, more or less. We just didn’t know how to talk to people, we didn’t have any practice.

What was the turning point in changing that and getting out of that cycle?

That’s interesting. So, from Design Studies, I went to TAFE for a couple of years. I did a course that I didn’t really want to do, as I thought it would get me some work, so I went for it. I had the opportunity to go for either an Illustration course, or a Graphic Art one. I went for Graphic Art because I thought I could get a job out of it, whereas, with illustration, I thought, you can’t really make money from drawing. I didn’t think it was feasible, so I just went for Graphic Art. Probably wasn’t the best idea, but I learned a lot of skills there. After the course finished, I was unemployed for a couple of years, just doing nothing. That was another low, but for me, that was normal. I thought, this was life now, getting money from the Government and looking for work that didn’t exist. What happened during that time was they sent me to a Work for the Dole program. It was the easiest and only one I’ve ever known, where you’re in a room and this guy is just running it like an art course. Being graded for doing what you wanted, you had a certain theme each session and you had to work on that theme. I liked it because I got to draw, so it was just easy art for me, something to do. From there, I started talking to people normally, as I thought it was okay, because they were in the same situation that I was in. I thought I didn’t have to worry about looking for work, because I didn’t feel odd, because they were all like me. I felt like I could talk to these people, and I guess that’s when I started being able to talk to people. I felt I wasn’t the only person going through this stuff. This might sound weird, but that was when I met my first proper female friend. I never had that before, and that was really different for me. It was kind of exciting as well, because in the past, I only had guy friends, so a female friend was a big deal. I didn’t know how to act around that. In the end I became too obsessive, and at that point, I kind of pushed her away because I was being too much. That experience really opened everything up for me, knowing that I could develop these kinds of friendships with other people. That really helped. Even though we no longer hang out, it was a good first step, a way of getting into it.

Do you feel you’re more at ease with males or females?

I usually talk to guys easily, as that’s all I was doing during school and growing up; it just felt normal. I guess when I talk to women for the first time, initially I try to be more cautious, but after a while, it’s okay. I shouldn’t be, but sometimes I feel that way. I kind of tune my normal behaviour back a bit and I keep in tow until I find out the person’s limits. Though I guess I do that with everybody now.

Is illustration and drawing some of your main hobbies that make you happy?

Yeah, I love it. Mainly more drawing, I used to love it anyways. I still do, I just have trouble getting back into it though. I don’t know why. There used to be a time, between 2003 and 2004, when I was very creative. This was also when I found a real job and started working. I was a Print Operator in a large building in Tooronga, and once that hit, I had trouble getting back into the creative stuff. I’d draw occasionally, once every few months, but it became less and less, until it eventually stopped. It didn’t completely die; I still kind of do it, it’s just the creativeness kind of dies, because you just get so tired from work and completely drained afterwards.

Are you at ease with your colleagues at work?

That’s interesting. So, my second job was at Tooronga, but my first job saw me in a really bad position, as they had me running a shop by myself near Chapel Street. I obviously couldn’t run the shop by myself, so that only lasted a month. That was actually pretty bad, and I had no assistance either. These guys pretty much just left me there and said, “You run the place”. Not sure how that happened, but even though it wasn’t the best experience, it was still an experience. I was there mostly by myself. There was a guy working round back because he also owned the store at the back. The place has since closed down. It was like a smaller version of Kwik Kopy. When I moved to printing in Tooronga I made all these other friends, as they were my co-workers. The work there was mostly digital printing based. The workload there was just so easy, that in a way, it didn’t really feel like work. It felt like going there daily and catching up with friends. It’s what we were doing and whenever there was work to be done, we would do it straight away. We just finished it so quickly and would hang out some more. It was just fun going to work I actually enjoyed it. Those were good days. I probably should have spent more time developing myself and not just having fun going to work. I just didn’t think about it at the time. That lasted a few years, so I guess, for those 3 and a half years, I enjoyed just seeing those people and going to work. I was fine with that. Then it took a real dive, because we were all contractors, and by the end they got rid of all the contractors. The company got bought out by a larger company, so they started getting rid of all the external people. Since I knew that I too would be going, I decided to leave. Being a contractor, you could just leave, it didn’t really matter. There’s no obligation to stay, so I just left without giving notice.

Then I thought, well, I’ve worked at such a big place, so I’ll try working at a small office next. I tried that and it was probably one of the worst working experiences I’ve ever had. That was somewhere around Caulfield. Another printing and finishing setup which I was familiar with. The main problem I found was with the equipment. What I had worked with at Tooronga was all high tech with laser equipment. Whereas this place in Caulfield had much older equipment, and it was really hard for me to get the hang of it. I made so many mistakes because I couldn’t make the proper adjustments or compensations in my mind for the older equipment. Back in Tooronga I could see actual digital numbers pop up as I was setting up a piece of equipment. In Caulfield however, it was all manual stuff, so I’d often cut business cards and they would all be crooked, as the numbers were off on the manual dial. Anyways, I made more than a few mistakes. My boss was very uptight about everything. The guy before me had only lasted 6 months. I was wondering why he was going, then found out once I took over. Every single day I was there, my boss would always point out something wrong with my work or with me, and it was just constant. Constantly being put down every single day, and at least once per day, but often more. That wasn’t great, and was probably one of the worst jobs that I ever had. On top of that, it also took me longer to get to work, sometimes even two hours to get to the office, followed by possibly another two hours to get home. So, with the combination of everything, I realised, by the end, that I couldn’t be there.

I didn’t really establish any friendships there. Everyone was professional, but they were mostly working on their own. It wasn’t a sit around and chat type of environment, so none of that bonding, I guess. They had been there so long, that they all knew each other. I felt like I couldn’t just go out there and talk to them, because I had my own work to do, while they were busy doing their computer stuff. In the end, after 8 months of taking crap, I just had a break down because the boss kept badgering me. There’s only so much you can take before you can’t handle it anymore. Being there with that guy, working there, was probably the next major point where I felt suicidal. Going through that every single day. Also, the pay was a lot less then what I had been getting at Tooronga, which I was originally okay with, because I thought that I wanted to be there for the experience. In the end, I kept thinking “I’m not going anywhere with this job, I’m just going to be stuck here taking abuse every day,” and I just kept thinking of dying. I kept thinking about killing myself in the bathroom, as I couldn’t take any more of that shit. In the end, I just had to leave. I was seeing a psychologist at that point because I was sending some messages to my friend, who became very concerned. He sent me to a different place and I felt the doctor there was actually a lot better. I think I only saw her once or twice in real life, but all of our subsequent communication was via email. It was pretty much free in that way. She was the one who suggested that, so we wrote back and forth whenever we wanted to, so that was good. An email psychologist, so it was different. A little after I started with her, I ended up quitting that job, which was a real relief.

Fortunately, I had enough money to get by at the time. I still lived with my parents, so that was okay too. Leaving at that point probably wasn’t the best timing though, as it took me another year to find a job, so it wasn’t a great time in between. It was best for me to leave though, because it wouldn’t have turned out well if I stayed. Speaking of suicide, I remember the first time I really thought about it, was during my time at Design Studies. My parents had decided to buy a place in another suburb out West. Before that, we were living in Preston during my primary and high school years. Essentially, my parents were struggling financially. They didn’t know how to get extra funds from the Government, or do the updated Centrelink stuff for young adults. I didn’t know that stuff either, so I was rather clueless. They thought the old way, that they just had to support me by working for money, so that’s how it was. I had enough money to travel to the Design Studies course, but I didn’t have enough money to actually do anything. Most days I barely even had anything to eat during the day. That’s why I sometimes still enjoy the cheap bakery stuff, as that’s all I could afford during those hard times. During Design Studies, I had a scholarship. Even so, going there made me feel very inadequate, surrounded by all the other students. I was actually from the same school, where the Design Studies facilities were. All of the other students that went to the course were from other Schools. I wouldn’t say they were all rich kids, but they often seemed more well off then I was. I didn’t feel right because they deserved to be there. I was just there because I knew the faculty; it felt as if they just let me in, which didn’t feel right to me. The big thing for me, was not having to work straight away.

My parents were pushing me to go to work throughout high school because that was what they knew. They didn’t know about the benefits of extra education, only the costs involved. I was always facing time, even though I was learning stuff, my parents didn’t see it that way and kept pushing me to find a job. One night, there was this really big argument with my mum. Well, she did most of the talking, so she was the one arguing, and I was just sitting there, trying to eat dinner and taking it. I remember as calmly as I could, taking out some trash and just leaving at that point. My eyes were watery and most likely red. I remember my dad stopping me as I was about to leave, asking if I was coming back, I said I didn’t know. I had it planned out, I pocketed one of my packaged scalpel blades that we used for class. I just needed to make the cut over a bridge. The incision would knock me out and I wouldn’t remember the rest. This was in the evening. I remember walking to the bus stop, which was about 1.5 kilometres down the road. I would have taken the bus into the city and gone from there. For some reason, the first bus to go by completely missed the stop where I and a few other people were waiting. That actually gave me more time to process what was going on. Anyway, it obviously didn’t happen.

Fortunately, I had a friend who told me that if I ever got to that point, to go see him. So instead of going ahead with the plan, I took another train to his place and worked it out. Seeing him helped, as he set up with what I needed so that I had enough to get by. He set me up with a proper Centrelink account, which really was helpful at the time. He helped pay for my tuition and tertiary education, and I just kept going from there. I was still alive. Not long after, dad got better paying jobs, so things at home improved. That was my first major suicidal thought, and probably the closest I had to an attempt, which was really a big thing for me at the time. Anyway, back to the work thing. During my year of unemployment, I was volunteering at a place in East Melbourne. They have speakers every week, who were talking about stuff that I found boring; diplomatic stuff and what not. I was mostly doing admin stuff for them, and that was good for me, as otherwise I would have been sitting at home doing nothing. Plus it was good experience. From there, I was led to my next and longest running job, where I remained for almost 8 years, with a company within the city. The person I worked with at East Melbourne was really nice. She was someone I could just talk to about stuff, and she mostly worked there alone, so she needed someone to talk to as well, I guess. Anyways, when I started up at my job in the city, I guess I had two bosses because they were both managers who backed each other up. They were also both jerks. I thought that was normal, so I just accepted it, but in hindsight, they were both really bad bosses in terms of how they treated people. They didn’t handle certain situations well, and they often acted like bullies. I probably should have said something, but you can’t really go against your bosses as much as you may think.

I’ve learned that Human Resources are there to protect a company, so whatever you say, if it’s in the company’s best interest to side with the bosses, that’s what they’ll do. Unless you get sexually harassed, then that’s something else, but otherwise you’re screwed and you can’t really say anything. So, I kept my mouth shut for a while and took the abuse from them. They were both mental in their own way. It was interesting, the older guy, was an old-school type of boss. He was more outgoing, so if he had a problem with you, he would tell you directly, and in a way, that was okay, as I thought I could deal with that. The younger guy, was more psychotic I guess. If he had a problem he may say something initially, then he’d just sit on it and let it stew, then fester, until it would finally explode. You just didn’t know when it would be coming and that was the worst. You would go in there happy one day and he would be just pissed off and you had no idea why. You’d have to deal with that, plus it was like he was only psycho and very angry sometimes. When he had problems at home, there were times when he would bring that frustration into the office and we’d have to cop it. He eventually took over after the old guy left, and things got a lot worse. At least with the old guy, you knew where you stood, whereas with the younger one, it was his way or the highway. Fortunately, he got an opportunity to leave the company, so he took it, which worked out. At the same time, I was thinking that I should also have left, as that was 4 years in. I really should have left, but I ended up staying because the two bosses that I had problems with were gone, so I thought it was okay to stay on.

I ended up staying too long in the end, so I was doing the exact same job for many years, with nothing new or creative. In terms of the other people I met there, I met some good people that I worked alongside with there, but not many I would see outside of the workplace. Overall, I didn’t get along with as many as I did back at Tooronga. In the city, I was working with a lot more people in different areas. Back at Tooronga, I was situated on one floor and all that time and I interacted with those people only. In the city, I was visiting multiple areas and I was seeing all these other people. I think I kind of reverted. I wasn’t as open with people as I used to be because I got pushed back from those previous bad experiences. In the city, they felt that they were like a family unit, who all knew each other. But I felt that I wasn’t part of that family and I didn’t want to be. I didn’t agree with a lot of things they did in the organisation, so I just did my job and did things my way. I was okay with that, and everyone else was okay with that for a while. Until I got moved around to different departments and I almost had to conform to everything that they wanted. In the end, I had enough of it, and left after almost 8 years of working there.

In terms of socialising, it was okay at the beginning, but it got worse towards the end as I carried those bad experiences with me. Overall, it didn’t really work out. Plus I didn’t really like the job and kept thinking it was temporary. In my own department, down in the basement, everyone there was fine, but when I went to other departments upstairs, I kept thinking that I was inferior to them. They were doing higher level work, and I was at the bottom doing print jobs. I was an actual graphic artist by then, but I was doing downstairs work, so I felt like I couldn’t socialise with them because they were upstairs people. I put that burden on myself because I kept thinking that when someone’s in a higher position, then I couldn’t be at the same social level as them.

In terms of all these bad situations you’ve faced at work, was walking away the best outcome for you? Did you feel more strong and resilient?

I guess so. I was able to rebuild, but probably not from the best place, though I was able to land on my feet again eventually. At the moment, I can’t really say because I find myself in the deep end once again, as I’ve just resigned from a job without having a real plan. Well, I have a plan that I really believe can work, but if I don’t make it work, then I’ll probably just end up falling back into the same old type of crappy, cheap jobs. End up not liking what I am, myself, and not knowing what to do. I think I’ve got to the point where I want to try to work for myself and try and make that happen. I’m not sure if you call that strength or stupidity, but that’s where I’m at, I guess.

Going back to your family when your parents were struggling with money, what were you feeling at the time?

Well at the same time, I never actually had a job and I was still in high school. I always wanted a job just to have my own money. I wanted that, but I didn’t really have the skills to do an interview, and I couldn’t even talk to people. I could never get a job like that. It was hard. I wanted to help my parents, but I couldn’t, I didn’t know how to. All the jobs I had applied for, they turned me down because I wasn’t experienced. I didn’t feel angry with my parents even though they felt angry because of their situation, they were struggling to pay the mortgage and could barely afford to live the way they were.

The friend that got you out of that situation and looked after you, do you believe he was your saviour at that time?

I guess I would say that, because I’m very particular about what I do. At that point, I had everything planned out till the last moment. I knew exactly how I was going to go out. If I bled enough, I would most likely pass out and I could make myself pass out anywhere. If I pass out in a body of water, I’m pretty much gone, so for me, it would be that easy. So, yeah, I think he helped, because if I didn’t have him to go to, I would have completed my plan. I guess in that eventual reality, it would have worked out, but since I had someone to go to, I’m still here, stuck in this reality.

Are you still in touch with him now?

Yeah, I still see him. I don’t see him as much lately. Not because I don’t want to, but more because I feel embarrassed. He wanted me to keep improving my job situation, and I haven’t improved. I’ve resigned and I haven’t told him. I’m too embarrassed to tell him, so I still see them, but only when they call me. I know I should see them more. They are getting on, they probably won’t be around for much longer, but I’m kind of okay with that. I accept that they’re at that age, and when they go, they go. Not sure if that’s a bad thing, but I feel that once you get to a certain point, it’s time to land the plane. You’ve hopefully had several good journeys, but after a long while, the parts don’t work as well, the navigation goes way off, the screen gets foggy, and you’re burning through fuel at lot faster. Everything runs down and you know that you need to stop. That’s just the way I see it.

Do you have any regrets, Pha?

Yeah, I think a lot of people do. My friend from Rotary gave me a lot of opportunities to do other things, namely, illustration type things. I saw a lot of people, had opportunities to do work with them and for them. I didn’t take advantage of those opportunities because I didn’t take them seriously at the time. I had a good opportunity to work with some story book illustrators and someone to tie me to that area. I was supposed to give this person a small folio of work, but I never finished it. I didn’t get it done, and that’s what happens with me. Opportunities like that, I’ve had a few of them, but I could never follow through. I’m not sure why, because I had wanted them, but not enough to finish; to get it done. After that, the options don’t stay on the table forever, so I regret not taking them while they were within reach. I think that’s one of the main things I regret. Also, some things with some friends. I’m not sure whatever happened. I could have played it differently, but maybe I didn’t know how to at the time, so I regret not holding onto those friendships. I also regret not building upon certain friendships that I had the opportunity to, but didn’t see any point to at the time. I’d wonder why I would want to hang out with people who don’t have same interests as me, rather than thinking, Pha, you don’t have any friends, so why are you being so picky?

Does the idea of succeeding with your art work scare you?

Not really, I think I’d probably be more scared of a life of mediocrity, because I can easily get a job in a warehouse or do something with my current graphic art skills or something similar. I’d feel that it would be a job, but I know that I wouldn’t enjoy what I was doing. I might enjoy the people, I might enjoy the environment, but I would always know I can do better, and if I don’t do better, in my eyes, I wouldn’t be successful. I really have to do a lot better than I am at this point, because the last job I was in was still an entry level role, and by the end of it, I was almost 8 years older with not much to show for it. Not where you would want to be at my age. I guess success for me is a combination of maybe a bit of money and doing what you’re supposed to be doing, once you know what that is.

Do you think happiness is easy to achieve?

Not for me. It’s been a struggle, and always will be a struggle. You kind of have to know when to pivot; it’s not always a straight line. In terms of social happiness, I’m not sure if there’s a friendship, I was always a loner so I was used to being by myself, and I still am used to being by myself. If I was away on an island for x amount of years, or for however long, I’d be okay with that. I’m fine with being by myself. Okay, maybe not an island, maybe my own room because I’ve built so many distractions for myself. Whereas, if I were unemployed for the rest of my life, I’d easily be at home happy, as I’ve got so much stuff built up and collected to keep myself entertained for a very long time. But see, that’s not happiness, that’s obsessive, that’s being a collector. That’s what I once thought happiness was, because I couldn’t make friends, so I bought stuff and that made me happy. I was collecting stuff that I liked looking at and spending time with. For me, that was happiness during that time, since high school. I still felt inadequate because I couldn’t make friends. Not until I met my first friends outside of School, at the age of 22, during the Work for a Dole program. That’s when I knew I could do better, be equal and happy. Even at 22, even after I worked at Tooronga, I still didn’t have that type of friendship, even with the people at work I was close to. I had them at that time, and that was okay, but once we all left, we all left. We caught up, maybe once, but then, we didn’t see each other again. Once you leave that type of environment, you don’t see each other again. It just happens, and we all lived so far apart. They weren’t lasting friends, just temporary ones. Was I happy? I was happy at the time, but not later on. Not for a long while.

With my last job, I was able to afford to move out from my parent’s house and that was actually a big step. That was the type of freedom I never knew I had, being responsible for myself, and it was beneficial. It actually led to more happiness for me. There was no accountability, you could just go out without explaining yourself. I could actually meet people and have people over. Not saying that I was embarrassed by my family, but I didn’t want my family to know I was making friends. They would ask at least twenty or hundred questions about them. If you tried to bring anyone back to the house, they would ask all these questions about them and afterwards, often tell me why I shouldn’t be friends with them. Jeez, come on, let me have some friends! My parents were also fine with being loners as well I guess, so they would say “If you don’t have any friends, that’s fine”. Well it’s wasn’t fine for me, so once I moved, I felt I had the freedom to establish more friendships, so that’s what I started doing. Or tried to anyway. I went online to look for friends because I didn’t know how else to find them. I didn’t go to pubs, so I didn’t know how to meet people that way. I tried to do it online, and it was an interesting journey. There were other people doing the same thing, they were also looking for friends, and I met some interesting people along the way. Never saw them again even though we kept in touch a while longer. I assume they’re okay and that was fine because I could see that we weren’t very compatible, but I was just desperate, and wanted any friends I could get. At this time, my friend I grew up with in primary and high school was in a different suburb back in Preston, so he was way away, so I would barely see him. As I was trying to meet these new people online, I eventually did, I met one of my first real friends online. It’s interesting, as we both posted the same type of Ad on Gumtree looking for a geeky, nerdy friend. I did it first and got several responses that didn’t go anywhere, then she did it and it was almost the exact same Ad as mine. I responded to hers, and then we were online, back and forth emailing. Then eventually, she was wondering where we could meet up, and that’s when someone told her about this thing called Meetup.

I didn’t know about that myself, as it was also new to me. We thought that would be a good way to meet for the first time, so we joined and met up at a Sci-Fi group event. We had dinner with these people, and it was my very first Meetup ever, at a restaurant called Groove Train in Melbourne Central. Something interesting happened there, something that I found out about myself. I’ve applied this in many situations since and it actually works, switching it up. I was at this Meetup and we had a long table of people. I was at one end of the table and I’m there, talking to these people, but it’s not going very well, as that was my first time meeting a group of new people, which was part of the problem. I switched it up said “I’m going to hang out on the other side of the table”, and once I did, the evening was a lot better. By the end, I thought, wow, these people are actually nice, so I’ve continued switching it up, and it’s worked almost every time. By the end, I enjoyed the group, and went back for a few more events. Plus, I had my new online friend in real life, and we were hanging out as well. At my last event, with the Sci-Fi group, we met this guy who joined and suggested another Meetup; something about board games, so I thought that might be interesting. I had planned to go to it with my online friend. On the day, my friend told me that she couldn’t make it, as she had to visit her parents that weekend who lived in the country. That was a downer, but I decided to go on my own, as I could always leave if I didn’t like it. Once I got there, I had no idea what was going on. I hadn’t played a board game for many years and I got stuck at a table with really lousy people who were real assholes.

They had played a particular game before, and I was clueless, so I wasn’t sure what I was doing, and took longer with my turns. Also, because I wasn’t good at communicating, a couple of them were talking about me, while sitting right in front of me. I was thinking, “What, you think I can’t hear?” It was insulting. For some reason, I just stuck with those people for probably four or five hours. Then once again, I decided to switch it up and said, “I’m going to sit over there with those people”, and that’s when the magic started. I found some people that were really nice. I actually enjoyed myself at that point, yeah, it really had brought me back, because otherwise, I would have walked out and not looked back. That was the point when I knew I was going to stay because, once I met those people, I ended up staying till 11 pm playing board games, and that for me, was huge. I never used to come home late in the past, but after that, I was coming home late a lot more often. This is when I was living in Armadale, and I would just take a tram or train, so had a few ways of getting home. Didn’t have to worry about the last train. I made a few friends from there, and that’s when I started meeting people through playing board games. I hung out with that crowd for a while, and we often played a genre of games called Euro Games. Generally, slightly more difficult games with little chance of luck, and much more strategy. At the time, that’s what I thought good board games were. I thought, okay, I’ll do what they do, as that was the popular thing, so I just kept going. I did that for several months, and after a while, I realised I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I thought. I still liked playing board games, it but I didn’t like those types of games. They were mostly games for smarter people, so if you were good at strategizing, those games were good for you. I started leaning towards this other games group, as they were more relaxed, so I guess once again, I kind of switched it up.

In April of 2012, was when I met the bulk of my current friends in one hit. It’s interesting, and may be irrelevant, but the friends who I would end up meeting, were all in the same room at the same time. We just didn’t know each other. I went back one night, looked at photos and thought, “Hey, they were there too”. Before switching it up, I started hanging out with this woman and she was a good person, but I suffocated myself by seeing her too often, as in, almost every weekend. It was a combination of that and my preferences in games, as she really enjoyed Euros, where I was finding them boring after a year or so. It didn’t work out, so well by the end, as I got frustrated while she was trying to do something nice for my birthday. Picture an unappreciative teenager who was forced to celebrate their birthday with family, but really didn’t want to. That was how I acted. I actually hadn’t celebrated my birthday since I was a child, before then, so that may have been part of it. I didn’t know how to be happy about my birthday. I didn’t want to know. As badly as that ended, it also worked out again, because I switched by that point I had other friends who I really enjoyed being around. That was when I peaked in terms of happiness. I had a group of friends at that time, compared to the past, when it was always a one on one thing. I knew this one person or this other person, separately. I never knew a group of people. That was the first time I knew a group of people as friends. It was completely new to me, as not since primary school had I had that. I really enjoyed it, while it was at its peak. We were always just hanging out almost weekly, doing board game stuff, going out for meals and trips. It may sound tragic, but they were probably the best years of my life. Just being with these people and hanging out every week is when I was really happy, enjoying life, happy not having any suicidal thoughts. They went, completely gone, because I was out of there; no longer stuck in my bedroom after work every weekend, just by myself, building my model robots. I actually had a social life, it was new to me, it was different, it was fun. I was around 31 at that time, so I was old before I got friends. Real friends. It made a huge difference and for once I was happy to be alive.

When did that self-realisation occur for you, that you don’t have to be entirely alone and company isn’t all that terrifying?

Well I guess that was back in 2003 in the Work for a Dole group. I was isolated and alone before then. My life involved going to Centrelink and looking for jobs, then hanging out in my room and drawing, that was life. I watched movies and I had x amount of income, and that was how far I could go with it. I couldn’t do that much. I’d go see my friend in Preston once in a while, everything else was not accessible. Once I went to that WFTD group, I realised that I could have this too, I can have these type of friends, who I never thought I’d have before. I’ll bring something else up. This might be irrelevant, but I was actually quite racist towards myself. I didn’t like myself, where I came from, anything Asian, because I grew up in it. It was in my face every single day, and I just despised it. I didn’t want to be who I was: an Asian person in Australia. That all changed when I met my first Chinese friend. Before that, I didn’t see Chinese as nice people, and this was the first genuinely nice Chinese person I had met, and it just changed everything for me. After that I embraced the culture, and I embraced everything Asian. I was proud to be Asian again. It’s kind of funny, accepting that was eye opening for me and in the same regard, people in general, because there are people out there for everybody, you just have to be in a position to find them.

What assisted you in getting out of those suicidal thoughts?

I just had to get out of that situation because when I’m in that type of environment, exposed to it daily, the mind can only take so much of that type of torture. It was almost torture going there every day, and if you don’t do something about it or leave completely you’re going to go down a very bad path. I thought that I was either going to kill them or kill myself, it wasn’t going to end well either way. I just had to get out of there to alter the outcome.

Were there any other triggers in your life where you have gotten to such a low point?

I still get it, it’s a dormant thing. It’s also interesting at the same time. At one point, I developed a secondary voice in my head. It grew from those bad experiences. This other thing, this entity, whatever you want to call it, once lived with me for years, dragging me down. This thing wanted me to die, so I had these two voices in my head. This one’s telling me all the bad stuff, and the other one is telling me “it’s okay”; trying to keep the leaky boat afloat. I was creating both voices and it was kind of strange, they were both interesting to listen to, but I was the one creating them. One of them kept telling me, on almost a daily basis, why I shouldn’t be alive, whilst the other one was trying to keep it rational. I was giving more strength to the bad voice, and that continued while I was working in the city. I brought myself to another situation where I felt suicidal over a woman that I convinced myself I was interested in. Of course, I didn’t know how to approach her and I could barely even talk, or would do something stupid every time she was around. I kept thinking, “Yeah, I’ve really got to get along with this woman”, but I kept making the situation worse, and at the time, it felt like a huge deal to me. Mainly because I was making it a huge thing in my head. Fortunately, she left after a few years. Looking back on it, it was nothing, and I don’t even think about that person anymore. But I was on edge around that time, and the voices were gaining strength. I took some medication that someone else had suggested. I just took it because I thought it would help.

I went off it after a year once I realized that I didn’t need it. I thought I needed it because I couldn’t talk to people, but that wasn’t the case at all, because I had made those other friends around the same time. Once I switched my focus from the fantasy of that woman who I thought I liked, to what really made me happy, the voices collapsed within themselves. Anyways, suicide wise, I still think about it; still there. The most recent trigger occurred, after someone I knew, from a long while back, had developed those thoughts within himself, and after hearing about his experiences, my own suicide switch turned back on. He had initially struggled with the subject, then he began to accept it and talk about it very casually. I guess, the drastic turnaround in his behaviour is what broke the fuse in mine. Turned out well, as he found his own way out and is doing fine. But my own fuse remains broken, for now. So yeah, I think about it, I keep thinking, yeah, I could do it, because it’s an option, and it stays an option. That’s why I was okay with leaving my job, because when there’s an out. I know this sounds bad, but I can leave this world when I want to, and that’s okay. That’s why I’m not fussed looking for work either, even though I should be, because if I want to leave, I could. It kind of helps, knowing there’s an exit.

Do you think ending your life seems like freedom right now due to your current situation?

I’m not too sure, I feel this option was dormant for years. I thought it was gone, but after that encounter it arose again. If I was doing something, in terms of an occupation, which I was proud of or I enjoyed, the option to exit wouldn’t be on the table. I’m still not there. I’m not at that point. I need to get that daily happiness; fulfilment in what I do. What I am. That’s why I got to really work at getting to, that point where I’m doing something worthwhile or doing something that I enjoy. Until I get there, this remains on the table. I kept thinking dates. For ages, I kept making funeral plans which never made it to the drawing board, as in, this is how I would like my funeral to go. There’s an old Hootie song, ‘Not Even the Trees’. I’d want that one played at some stage during the service. But who do you even ask for that? Still, it’s me. It’s always been me. Whatever came up later, these thoughts had always been there. They will remain there until I rebuild myself or destroy myself.

Do you see yourself as warrior or survivor because you have come this far, living with those thoughts?

Not really, I’m just getting by on the platform, waiting I guess, still just coasting. I’m at this age and I still haven’t accomplished as much as I feel I should have. I don’t feel accomplished by just living. There’s still no purpose, so I need to find that purpose.

Can you tell me three things that you love about yourself?

That’s funny, at this moment not really. Nothing comes up.

How are you feeling now?

Yeah, I’m okay, I still feel there is more to get out, but I’m not going to go there. This thing is probably a tad too long as it is, I’m alright just accepting it.