NICOLETTA, 34 Honest

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

I’m feeling pretty relaxed today, because I went to meditation class. I genuinely feel quite relaxed, although I do have periods of anxiety. That tends to come in my stomach a lot, and my chest. I might get short of breath or heart palpitations. That’s around maybe being certain of my future and not knowing what things look like for me in my future. Maybe not thinking that I’m doing the right thing, or doing what I should be doing compared to other people’s expectations. I’d say I’m in a good mood, the sun is shining and my cat is happy. I’m doing okay, yes.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?

I’ve had mental health issues for most of my adult life. If it was up to me to explain, I would probably say it started a lot earlier than just my adult life, probably as a child. I always used to go to sleep with butterflies in my stomach, and I never knew what it was. I just thought “Oh, this doesn’t feel too nice”. It was kind of a feeling of fear, and that was because of listening to my parents argue at night. When we had gone supposedly to bed, you could hear them. It’s funny, my sisters don’t remember many things like that, but I’ve got a real connection to the past. Knowing what it was like for my parents, I’ve picked up on these things and had lots of negative thoughts and feelings around how I grew up.

I had my first panic attack as a child. That was at my first job at Safeway as a checkout operator and it came on suddenly out of nowhere. I thought I was doing fine and suddenly I had this urge to escape, I wanted to get out of there. It felt like if I lose control suddenly the world is going to end, and I didn’t want to lose control in front of people. I was sweaty, I was tense in my stomach, my heart was racing and my mind was racing. When I went to the doctor, he just told me to take a paper bag with me. I did a blood test and nothing was physically wrong with me. Nobody knew what was wrong with me, I just had a panic attack. From then on, I avoided all social situations, so I wouldn’t have that situation again. I was terrified of having that experience again.

That turned into agoraphobia. I was housebound for two and a half years when I was 18. Between my 18th and 21st Birthdays, that was hell. I didn’t know there was any support out there. It took me a while to get to a psychiatrist and get the appropriate help. Thankfully the medication I was put on, which I’m on today, changed quite a few significant things for me. It helped me get out of the house again, helped me with my fear of animals, and now I have a cat and I want a dog. I love animals and I feel it’s in my nature to be an animal lover, and with that comes a nature lover as well. So, after a period of intense darkness and isolation, I did get the support and got out there. But I had a relapse a few years later and I had to be hospitalised. That was the first time I had to be hospitalised and that was at St Vincent’s psych ward.

They found that ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) worked for me. I didn’t feel the pain or anything as I was under anaesthetic. It potentially saved my life, because I was no longer suicidal after that treatment. I had just changed and did a 360 turnaround. Friends say my personality even changed, and they felt withdrawn from me because I wasn’t myself. It’s hard to say, doctors tell you ECT doesn’t play with your personality, it just plays with your memory. I could almost say it affected my character as a person, but that could have been my mental illness or the ECT, It’s not clear. But I did go through a transition of isolation from friends and family, which wasn’t very nice. A few years later while on a Europe holiday I thought I was cured so I went off my medication.

That was the biggest mistake, because I was manic and happy when I was on holidays, and then I relapsed when I got back. I went totally downhill and had to be hospitalised again. This time I was hospitalised for four months. That was the longest hospitalisation and that was in 2009-2010. They got me onto a new medication and that’s when I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes as well. Suddenly I had challenges where I had to really deal with my issues. It wasn’t going to be a good prognosis for me if I wasn’t going to take it seriously. I’m glad to say I haven’t been hospitalised for seven years since 2010. I’m doing quite well according to the doctors, I’m progressing fine. They have hope that I will get a job, study and do all the things that I want to do, but it will just take time.

I do still tend to get anxious, I do still have the anxiety. I do get depressed and really down. It’s a struggle, I won’t say it’s not a struggle. Life for me is a bit of a struggle compared to other people I talk to. Family and friends, they say they have similar issues. They might not have a diagnosis, but they do feel depression, anxiety and all these things on some spectrum or another that we feel at times. It goes up and down, mostly I’ve been a little happier in recent times and I enjoy things. The sun shining, going out for a coffee, a massage, but that’s very fleeting, it doesn’t last. I feel like most of the time I’m down and flat. At those times I wish there was a happy pill, but there isn’t. It’s just a matter of coping the best you can, seeking support, doing things you enjoy. That’s the only formula I have for mental illness. They can’t cure you. They can stabilise you for a while, but you have to do the hard work.

Going back to your childhood, were you able to speak to anyone about what you were feeling at the time?

Not at all. I was very anxious so I didn’t know what was going on for me, I just ignored it. I retaliated by stealing things from school, and by eating lots of food. That’s why I’m a comfort eater today, struggled with addiction. I definitely couldn’t talk to my parents; my dad was very strict and emotionally absent. Mum was loving but we were never encouraged to talk about things at the dinner table, debate or form any healthy patterns for life. It was very strict and we were kind of fearful of Dad. When he got home we all sat around the table in silence, ready to eat. We would wait for father to serve and when he was ready we would eat. He was very much controlling. I found out when I was getting therapy from a psychiatrist, he was seeing her before he died. He had mental health issues as well, which explained a lot for me.

Do you think your upbringing played a part in why you were feeling anxious all the time?

Yeah, I think by feeling kind of isolated and scared as a child, I think it’s definitely made me be that way as an adult. I don’t want to blame my parents, but I don’t think they helped either. I don’t think we were encouraged to open up and discuss our emotions or thoughts. We weren’t brought up in an environment where debate and talking was encouraged and praised even. It was very much a traditional, strict Greek family upbringing.

Do you think that loss of love that was drilled into your mind at such a young age, could be the reason you have such a lack of confidence in yourself?

Yeah, I think so. I think the way I was raised and the parents I was dealt with definitely had an impact. Then at some stage I had to grow up and take responsibility, as I couldn’t be blaming my parents for the rest of my life. Now that I’m adult which I have been since I was 18, what have I done with myself? Sure, I’ve seen therapists, gone to hospital when I had to, tried to eat well, but I feel like I’m a big failure. I feel like I haven’t done my parents proud, I’m not that useful, I’m not that productive and I’m not that worthy. Sometimes I feel like I’m a waste of a human being, a waste of space. What am I contributing to society? What am I achieving? What am I doing?

Can you describe a time when you felt the most out of place?

Sadly, I feel out of place sometimes with my family. While I connect with them on some levels, I also feel like I’m a little bit of the black sheep with the family and I’m not fully accepted or embraced, I am judged and criticised. It’s not their fault, it’s not my fault, it’s just the way things are. It’s family, the dynamics are different to the way you are with friends or strangers. You’ll always be overprotective of family and they’ll always want the best for you. If they see you supposedly doing the wrong thing, then you’re judged as bad. You shouldn’t be doing that, you should be more like us. Get married, have children, do the house chores everyday, cook, clean, all this routine stuff. I think routine is important but I also believe in the liberty to choose what your routine should be.

If I don’t want to get married and have children I don’t have to, I can just be myself. I don’t have to fit into anybody’s ideals. Nobody has the right to tell me what to do, but sadly Mum feels she has the right to control and dictate, because that’s what she likes to think. Another time when I felt really out of place was in a study environment. A study environment is a tense one because I feel inferior to everyone else. I always feel like everyone else is smarter, prettier, more confident and gregarious, and I feel out of place because I’m not that person. I don’t belong, so that dictates why I run away from study situations.

Are these feelings unwarranted? or is it reality and the evidence is there to prove what you feel about yourself?

That’s an interesting one, there’s a couple of theories that I have. I do think our mind is always playing games on us. I do think it’s fleeting, not necessarily true or real, yet again what’s happening to me at any given moment is my reality. What I choose to believe and think is my reality at any given moment, whether it’s true or not. I may not be stupid but I feel stupid. But the reality might not be that I am stupid.

If you could relay a message to your parents back when you were a teenager, what would that message be?

I would tell Dad for example “You know what, I don’t like the way I’m feeling around you and I just want you to hug me sometimes and tell me that you love me. I want you to tell me it’s going to be okay and that I’m a good girl. I’m perfect the way I am and I don’t need to change for anybody”. I want mum to say that she’s proud of me and that she accepts me, no matter what I do or how I am she will just embrace me wholeheartedly. I want them to be what parents should be to children, and maybe trust me a little more and believe that I can make my own decisions, and that I’ll be okay.

Do you think a parent’s love is ever replaceable?

I think you only get one set of parents, but I do think you can also give yourself those things: Validity, acceptance, love, care, pride and acceptance. But I don’t think it’s fully the same. I think a parent’s love is pretty special. While my parent’s love me in their own way, I just didn’t feel it like a child should feel it. My sisters had a different experience they don’t relate to what I relate to. They had different memories, so it’s all very interesting.

How is your relationship with your sisters?

It’s different with both sisters. I’m closer to one than the other, but I respect both of them. I probably shock them a bit in conversations and what I tell them. That’s done on purpose, because I do want a reaction. They probably judge me in their own way, it’s natural to judge people, it’s a default. I know they love me, but they can’t relate to what I go through. Certain things they can, my sisters feel depressed and anxious at times, but it doesn’t dictate their lives. They’ve got full time work, they’ve got husbands, you could say in a way they’re more advanced and consolidated then I am. As I mentioned, I’m a bit of a black sheep.

Do you think the repeat term of “black sheep” puts you in a box which further distances you from your family?

I don’t think the black sheep title is a positive one. It gives you an identity and makes you identify with that. I’m not a big fan of labels in general, but I’m just using that term lightly so we can understand what I mean. I’m not as conventional as my sisters or Mum, I followed a path that was a bit more complicated or isolated. I don’t think it’s my fault, I think we just have different interests, different desires.

Do we care too much about what people think of us?

Definitely, and no thanks to the media or our parent’s patterns and role modelling. I think we are shaped from a very young age, and that’s got a lot to do with our parents. I don’t like to go to the extreme, but I think parenting is a powerful thing. You have a lot of influence over your children.

Are you resentful of the way they raised you?

Very much so, I’m very angry. I still hold onto the anger, I give Mum shit everyday. I often ask her “What were you and dad thinking?” and she hates it. She hates me blaming Dad “Don’t talk about your father like that, he loved you” Yeah, well prove it. I hold lots of resentment towards my parents and my dad in particular. He’s dead now. If he was here now, who knows what kind of life I’d have. I wonder if I’d be skinnier or fatter, as he might have been more controlling of what I eat. I probably would have run away from home. I often think of what person I would be if my Dad was alive for longer, but you can’t know that.

What is it that makes you live at home with your mother, knowing how you feel towards her?

The fact that it’s really hard to get a rental because I’m on a disability pension. They don’t give you much notice if you’re on a disability pension, they don’t prioritise you. I am on a public housing waitlist but that’s going to take many years because I don’t have a family, and they prioritise young families. The fact that once Mum passes, I can stay on as a joint tenant, I can stay on at the accommodation. It’s all practical reasons, but if I had a 100% choice, I wouldn’t be living there. I would even prefer share housing to what I have now.

Are you terrified of independence?

I crave independence, I actually want my independence. Yet at the same time I am a little fearful of it because I wonder will I start drinking more? I’ve got control of my surroundings and environment to keep me in check, but will I buy more alcohol? Overdose on medication? While I’m with Mum it’s okay, I don’t want to do that around my Mum and put her through the stress of watching me drink too much. If I’m by myself I might be thinking “Hmm I might have a few drinks tonight”. I like the taste of alcohol, I like how it makes me feel. Yeah, independence is a blessing and a curse at the same time for me. At the same time, I do need my independence from Mum because we clash, we’re quite toxic for one another.

Do you think the childhood you grew up in, has taught you to be strong, courageous and spirited?

I don’t know if it’s a direct influence from my childhood, but I have grown. When I think logically about my situation I think “I am a bit brave because I am here talking to you”. I do go to the mental health consumer reference meetings/community meetings and offer my opinion on mental health services, and share my story. I try to achieve things, I may not always try 100%, but I do give things a go. I haven’t given up completely, so that’s pretty courageous I guess.

In terms of your anxiety, how did you cope with it during school?

I wasn’t very aware of my anxiety in school. No one talked about it, so I never knew about mental illness, I just wasn’t aware. All I knew was I felt tension in my stomach and I was uncomfortable. I’d go home and cry everyday, and nobody knew about it. I’d go to the toilets at school and cry, and I never knew something was wrong. It was a secret and I didn’t want anybody to know about it. it was an isolating time.

What do you recall as your most anxious experience so far?

Probably my first panic attack at Safeway, that was the most intense. Probably as a child the butterflies in my stomach and not being able to sleep, the restlessness.

Were your colleagues supportive of you when you went through that panic attack at work?

The manager was fine when I had to escape and leave. I even left the register till open, that’s how much I was caught up in my own thought process at the time. I didn’t realise what was going on around me. I just said, “Look I have to go” and I went. They came to me and I told them I thought I’d left the till open. They went back, saw the till was open and closed it for me. They asked if I wanted a cup of tea and if I wanted to go home.

In that moment, did you feel like you were losing your mind?

Yeah, definitely. I felt my world was about to fall apart. I felt like I was going to die or lose control and something bad was going to happen to me. I just didn’t know what it was and I couldn’t shake it, it was really intense. I’ve done my best to avoid situations like that. I guess that plays out into my social anxiety around study situations and work situations. I totally go by my mood and what I’m feeling, to what I’d dictate with what I do in my life. I let it control me because that’s what I have to work with.

What were your feelings towards being in hospital?

The first time it was quite okay, I felt safe. I wasn’t yet diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (which is half schizophrenia/half bipolar). I was just diagnosed with high anxiety, social anxiety, agoraphobia and major depression. I felt quite safe because I thought at least there I was monitored and I couldn’t kill myself. I was more logical then the second time. I wanted to get out of there, I felt trapped, I felt I didn’t belong there. Then they diagnosed me with schizoaffective, and I had to go on the medication. I refused from the beginning so they gave me injections. They forced the injection because I wouldn’t take the pills, and now I’m stuck with injections every fortnight. That was my fault, but I was severely unwell, I couldn’t think logically.

When you are going through suicidal thoughts, are you able to realise this moment will pass within a short amount of time or do you allow it to consume you?

Sometimes I go through the motions of saying “This will pass, it’s not permanent. Like everything it comes and goes. It’s not me, not who I am, I don’t want to die.” I can have those logical thoughts, but most times I’m in it and so I let myself dwell and I end up feeling sorry for myself. Allowing yourself to sit and dwell in it, it’s not very healthy you know. Logically I may know certain things, that it’s not reality and it’s not who I am, but then emotionally I still feel the depression, sadness and intense low mood and I don’t want to be alive.

How long can those thoughts last for?

It can go any time from a fleeting moment. Sometimes it can be a thought that comes really quickly, and goes really quickly. Like maybe life is just going to be a struggle all the time and I don’t want to live it. Then there are times when I enjoy life and that’s okay, that will pass quickly. Sometimes it can last days, weeks or months, where I’m just constantly on the couch, eating and being depressed.

Have you reached a point where you’ve had so many of these thoughts, you no longer fear them they are just there?

Yeah, I’m not fearful of suicidal thoughts. What I am fearful of is not having the support available and the resources in the future. I worry about when mum passes and isn’t a carer of mine. Mum cooks for me and she’s there a bit for my emotional care, she asks me how I’m going and what I’m doing. If I live by myself, I fear I will fall back into a black hole for a longer time than I do now. If I don’t have those resources available, if I’m left on the street, it scares me that nobody will help me or I’ll be so out of it that I don’t seek the support I need. I am fearful of being in a situation where I am so anxious I will pass out and everyone will see me as weak and as a failure. I’ll be judged and that will be the end of me, the world will collapse if I’m on the floor.

When you went through the process of ECT, how did you feel afterwards?

Like a zombie, very groggy. The immediate response was that I wasn’t myself. I was still quite unwell. They were doing it as a means of stopping my suicidal thoughts, which worked, but it did unfortunately leave me sick and unwell in other ways. So, I wasn’t cured, perfect or stabilised at the time.

Do you believe your friends were warranted in what they were saying about your personality changing after the procedure?

Yeah, when I look at video footage back 10 years ago that my friend has shown me, I see myself differently. I’d look at her and ask where I was at that point, and she’d say, “You were pretty much out of it, you weren’t yourself”. What I saw in the video footage was unlike me now. Now I’m a bit more alive and in the present moment. I’m paying attention, I’m participating, whereas back then, it was like I wasn’t there. It was silent and I would sit and hum quietly to myself, or stay in the background. I still am quite introverted, but I think I’ve come a long way with how I socialise and interact.

Do you think you’d be in the same situation as you were 10 years ago now, if you didn’t get the ECT? Or do you think you would have progressed with social interaction naturally?

It’s a hard one to tell, because we don’t know for sure. If they hadn’t done ECT they may have done something else, and I don’t know what that could have been. It may have been harder drugs or talk therapy. They were desperate for some cure at the time because I was completely out of it. I was thinking things like “I’m going to jump in front of a tram” or “I’m going to burn the house and burn my Mum”. That wasn’t me. I just felt like somebody else, like a devil.

When you say “they” who was desperate for you to seek help?

Probably my family and the doctors. The doctors were wondering what was going on with me and how can they help this person. I was out of it, I just wanted to die.

Do you feel medication has played a more positive or negative part in your mental health journey?

I hate to say it, but I think medication has helped. I wish I didn’t have to take it, everyday I struggle with the concept. “Why do I have to take this?” but it’s become a routine, I have to take it. I’ve tried to go off it and when I do I’m not myself and I’m back to square one. I’m off with the fairies and my mind is back to suicidal thoughts, back to really intense anxiety. If I went off my medication I’d experience high anxiety, I wouldn’t leave the house and I’d be suicidal, that just wouldn’t feel good.

Was the ECT meant to be a permanent fix to the suicidal thoughts?

Not exactly, they are hesitant to do it again. If you do ECT a second time there is a chance that it can be fatal. It could have a reverse effect and take you back to suicidal thoughts. I don’t know how it works exactly, but the second time I was hospitalised I wasn’t offered ECT because my doctor and psychiatrist was hesitant to do it again. It’s not a permanent fix, it’s an immediate fix. Unfortunately, just like anything, you can’t cure it.

Considering there is a whole list of reasons to keep you in the house, what gets you out of the house?

When I see the sun out I’m naturally in a happier mood. I feel like life is just that little bit more worth living. When I’m going to meditation I feel like I belong somewhere. I feel like it’s a natural calling for me. I like to relax and meditation I feel puts me in a better mood. When I’m listening to music and I’m singing along. I feel happier when I’m going to choir or painting class. It helps me feel better when I do things I enjoy. Not things that I have to be doing, but things that I choose to do that will put me in a better mood.

What are the differences between meditation and medication you experience?

Meditation doesn’t have a negative aspect to it, whereas when I take medication I feel like somethings wrong with me. I have to be fixed with the medication. With meditation, it’s more of a coping mechanism, it’s more enjoyable, natural and easy.

Which one is more effective for you?

I hate to say it, but I need my medication. I probably need my meditation as much but if I had to give one up, it would have to be the meditation if I had to choose. I won’t choose because I need both and I will continue on my path of meditation, but I can’t drop my medication or I’ll just go backwards and back into hospital. I’ve stayed out of hospital for seven years, and I want to stay that way.

Do you think the debate over natural therapies and pharmaceutical medication is warranted or is it as simple as using both?

There are people who say that the pharmaceutical business is evil, they just want the money and don’t really care about the person. It could be true on some level, but for me it’s the same as vegan and non-vegan debate. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? I have no idea. People have their own motives and intentions for doing things. I think if people are going to try and sell you the pharmaceutical story, they’ve got their own agenda.

Then the natural supplement people, they’re going to have their own agenda as well. You prefer one or the other, it’s good you can make up your mind about it. What do you want to follow? Do you not want to follow? Do you just want to do what your doctor told you? I don’t know, I don’t know what’s real or not with this issue. I haven’t done proper research. I feel like the research I have done doesn’t lead me to a solid answer because there are always two sides to the story, it’s hard to tell.

What else have you found resourceful that works for your anxiety?

Yes, I’ve used GABA, that helps with calming the neurotransmitters. That worked actually, I slept a lot better after taking it. I tried Tryptophan for sleep, that’s a natural sleeping tablet. Sadly, I upped my antipsychotic which works well with sleep particularly because I had insomnia. Now that is cured, it makes me sleep longer and better, but I’m going to go back on natural supplements because I found that they were even more calming. Meditation is good but I know that GABA and Tryptophan works.

Doctors have said mangosteen is a good one to take, a natural fruit/Chinese extract. They are doing research on mangosteen and depression and found that there is a link, that’s what my psychiatrist told me. I haven’t tried mangosteen myself but I might. I’m very eager to get off the pharmaceuticals and onto the natural. I don’t know if that’s a possibility for me. I think if you have mild cases of mental illness you can change a few things, but because mine are major and progressed, it would be dangerous to stop the medication.

What’s the journey been like with different psychiatrists until you found the right fit?

I’ve had a bit of a lesson with my psychiatrists, because I didn’t like the one I went to see initially. I had to tell her that I was leaving, but that was after she got me on stable medication. I was quite well to make that decision, as she was just a negative influence on my emotional health. I didn’t like her as my therapist, she was quite negative and I thought she was incompetent. I’ve got a good psychiatrist now. She knows my history, she’s been with me through my hospital admissions, she works in the public and private sector and she works in different avenues.

I see her once a month or two months for a review. But I see my counsellor every week. We do gestalt therapy, which is self-awareness, meditation and mindfulness. It’s really helpful. I want to see a therapist who does neural pathway work, that sounds promising. As I mentioned, it’s about changing the thought from the cores and changing the reality. “No, you’re not stupid, you’re actually capable. You’ve done the IQ test that says you’re quite capable so who’s not to believe you’re capable?”. I still struggle with the evidence. I don’t feel capable, you know? It’s my self-esteem and the way I see myself, there’s a lot of self-loathing. It’s a negative cycle, which is not very helpful.

How has it been both mentally and physically for you since getting diagnosed with type 2 diabetes?

At first, I was in denial. It took me a while to accept the sugar pricks. I was kept asking the doctors why they were doing that, and they told me I’d been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, and I just said “No, I don’t, go away” I was very unwell, and I did accept it eventually, but it’s been a struggle. I’ve been on various medications that have worked and haven’t worked. Luckily, I had a gastric sleeve last year so the diabetes has potentially reversed itself and I don’t need to take medication for it. It’s still there but it’s managed, it doesn’t affect my sugar levels like it used to. I’ve been very lucky with that, it’s the one thing that motivates me to keep losing weight. I’ve lost about 50 kgs already.

I’ve got another 70 or 80 to go and I’m motivated (which comes and goes) because it’s improved so many physical things for me. I’m walking, sleeping and breathing a lot better. I’m getting dressed more and wearing what I want to wear, rather than what I have to wear because that’s all that fits. It’s been a good result so far, I’m motivated and keen to keep going with that, but again it’s a struggle. I struggle with food addiction, I eat lots of chocolate and chips. I think diet plays a role in mental health, emotional health, and how likely it is that you’ll get cancer. I think nutrition is a part of it and they’re coming out with new nutrition supplements now, that will imitate natural foods fruit and vegetables. They believe that will play a role in mental and physical health.

How do you feel going from that transition of having junk food to fresh food?

It’s still struggle because I don’t manage to eat as many vegetables as I’d like. I should be eating a lot more vegetables and I’d like to cut down on chocolate. On one sitting I can have 4 blocks of chocolate and think it’s nothing. I need to stop buying the food that I want to eat or shouldn’t be eating and buy more of the food that I should be eating. It’s really as simple as that, but when you have an addiction or when you’re tempted and have a weak spot for these things, it’s really hard. It sounds simple, when you don’t want to do something you don’t do it. Why go buy the chocolate if you know you’re going to eat it all? Don’t buy it. If you want to be vegan for ethical reasons or health reasons, stop eating meat. It sounds simple, but the mind plays so many tricks you, you feel like it’s impossible to get there.

How often would you say you feel joy?

Not very often, and when I do get feelings of joy they’re very fleeting. I struggle to hold onto that feeling, whether it is joy, pride, self-loving, it is all very fleeting. My default is to be negative, I tend to be negative than positive. I really have to work at being positive.

Why do you think we struggle to hold onto those positive emotions?

Sometimes we don’t have the right support, as in not enough people to help us recognise the good things about us. That might be an issue when there’s not enough support out there. Not that it’s not available, but it’s hard to find. It took me a while to find a counsellor that I clicked with, and she helps me to practice a bit of meditation. She helps me to hold onto the feelings of joy and dwell on it, so I know what it’s like to feel joy. She asks me what I am feeling inside, forcing me to describe verbally what I’m feeling. I’ll make a point of the joy or the anxiety and whatever’s going on in my chest or stomach.

That helps me dwell if you like, or consolidate that feeling. I tell myself “I am feeling joy right now and it feels good”. There’s no reason why I can’t hold onto that, but I think meditation plays a big part. Learn to meditate on the joy, learn to meditate on the peace, knowing that you’re a loving a peaceful human being in general. That’s your default, your nature, you’re born that way. If you can hold onto that, you can go a long way, that’s just my opinion. That’s my experience and that’s what I’ve found.

Do you think your anxiety stems from not feeling accepted by others and being judged for who you are?

Yeah, that would come from my social anxiety. I definitely feel like I could be judged, perceived differently, or not welcomed. Although it’s not usually about the other person, it’s more to do with my internal dialogue, it’s all myself, it’s all work I need to do myself to get through it. I don’t think people out there are actually conniving, hateful, bad or anything like that. It’s more me trying to accept myself and say, “I do fit in with where I want to go. I don’t have to be accepted, praised or validated by others”. It’s more what I give to myself.

What do you dislike most about your anxiety?

That it stops me from living a full life. There are so many things I’d like to do. I’d like to travel, go to health retreats, go to India. I’d be terrified of travelling, let alone by myself, but even in a group as my social anxiety is unpredictable. Taking care of myself is hard, I’ve never really taken care of myself fully on my own. I’ve got so many obstacles in the way that I could make a mountain of it.

Do you believe these obstacles can physically stop you from doing what you want to do?

Yeah, definitely. I do sometimes admit I use my mental illness as an excuse, I sometimes identify with it and let it control what I’m going to do and not do. Especially when it comes to work and study, I’ve tried numerous times to work and study, but I just can’t carry it through. I always have the same struggle; feeling isolated, anxious, like I don’t belong, like I’ll get depressed and start having thoughts in class. Yeah, it’s just really hard for me. It’s all in the mind. I think the mind can be very powerful, and whatever we feed it, that’s what is going to be our reality. Having said that though, there are some things like mental illness that can be biological and chemical. It’s not always your environment and in your control.

You can have a diagnosis and you need medication to alter that chemical imbalance in the brain. That will be out of your control a bit, because it’s the medical side of things and needs to be treated. On the other end of the spectrum, I think you can dictate your own destiny, do what you want to do. Which is a matter of getting through those mind obstacles and testing them. For example, “Is it really the truth? Am I really incapable of taking care of myself? Am I incapable of travelling on my own?” So many people do it, I think if you’re lucky to have a good therapist who works through those issues with you and your subconscious, you can get places. Something that’s been recommended to me recently is doing work with neuro pathways, that’s altering your thought processes right at the root cause and filling them with new thoughts and new beliefs.

Do you think doubting yourself so often, can contribute to your anxiety being so heightened?

I think anxiety can be caused by your thought processes and your belief system. I think that plays a big part in it. I don’t have natural self-confidence, I struggle to feel confident in myself, so me doubting myself probably plays a big part in it.

Where do you get your self-confidence from and who provides you that confidence boost when you need it? What methods do they use?

I sadly have to say that I don’t have much, my reserves are very limited. I don’t have much space for confidence and I’m very negative in my perception of myself. My good friend Georgia and my counsellor Pam give me compliments. They remind me that I have achieved things, and that I’m doing things. They tell me I may not feel like it, but I am growing, learning, progressing and expanding. They are right, but I just find it hard to keep my focus on that. I focus more on what I haven’t achieved and what I have yet to achieve. I don’t focus on my good points, it’s really hard to remember those things.

A lot of this interview has been based around confidence and what that consists of, what do you think is going to be the key for you to start believing in yourself? Whether it be accomplishing several tasks you’ve wished to fulfil or hearing daily compliments will be the trick?

For me, I used to think I would believe in myself if I accomplished something, like I had a certificate for a nutrition course and was a qualified nutritionist. But It’s just a piece of paper, it doesn’t mean you’re a competent nutritionist. If you don’t have the knowledge and keep up to date with the research, you don’t know how to help someone. You won’t be an accomplished nutritionist, even with the qualification you’re going to feel like a fraud. For some reason that’s how I feel as well, if I got the certificate saying I was a nutritionist, for some reason I’d never believe I’d be a nutritionist.

I feel like I wouldn’t be able to help people because I wouldn’t take in the knowledge. I always felt I had a mild intellectual disability that went undiagnosed. The IQ tests show otherwise, that I am quite capable and quite intelligent, but I don’t believe it. I think my lack of confidence hinders my ability. By having low self-esteem, I dictate that I won’t be a success because I don’t believe in myself. For example, I did a two-month short course in information digital media technology. It sounds a lot fancier than it is but it’s basically computer work.

I got the qualification, there were no exams or assessments. All I had to do was complete the task and get a competency tick that you did it. You could copy off someone or get the answers from Google, but as long as you’ve done it, you pass. I felt like a fraud because I learnt nothing in that class but yet here I am with a teacher saying I’m competent. I’ve ticked all the units, I got the participation certificate, but I don’t feel like I did the course.

Do you think if you put that certificate into practice, that would be a starting point for you?

That would help to practice what I’ve learnt, yeah. I need to find my learning techniques, what works for me and to apply my knowledge. I just haven’t found the right setting for that. I do need that encouragement, a nurturing and positive environment where I feel included, not just by the teacher but by the students as well. I want to feel welcomed into the group and that I can socialise with them, not just go in and go out. A lot of people are fine with that, they just go there, get their qualification and leave, but I want more of a social interaction. That’s how I feel about work as well, and that’s why I like it at my charity place. Everyone is social, nurturing, and nobody criticises you. They give you praise and feedback, there’s no pressure.

Do you believe self-confidence is one of the hardest lessons we have should learn?

Yeah, self-belief. It’s hard because it comes and goes and with me, because I’m logical about it I think “I am capable, I have done things in the past, I am worthy because every human is”. That’s the logical side of thinking, but then what I’m thinking on a day to day basis is very different.

Can you turn to yourself and say, “I’m volunteering once a week and that’s the first step?”

Logically I can say to myself “You know what, a year ago I wouldn’t have been doing this, but yet here I am volunteering”. But it’s hard to hold onto that, it’s very fleeting. It’s not enough, I need something solid in my mind to remind me that I am worthy and I am doing okay.

What do you believe is the best thing you’ve done for yourself so far?

A big one was probably to have the weight loss surgery. I’m pretty proud of that, that was a big health boost and also probably a support for mental health. I wouldn’t be here today if I wasn’t getting help for my mental health issues. I wouldn’t be able to sit down and have a conversation, or be in a social situation. I would be back at square one, psychotic and schizoaffective. Yeah, I’ve got those labels attached to me, but that’s not necessarily what I am. It’s just a part of me. I know the logic of it is that diagnosis, I’m being treated for it. It depends on how you see it, it may be a diagnosis but it’s not how you define me.

What are three qualities that you love about yourself?

Yeah, it’s one I struggle with. I do actually spend a lot of time self-loathing. There are days I spend at home where I think that I’m not loveable. I can say things that I love about my life. Things like my friends and family, my cat, sunshine, water, a nice shower, candles, flowers, the beach and the park. About myself, I’ve been told that I’m quite a warm person, relatable, good with people, a good listener and a good friend. I value those things and that’s important. I’d rather get feedback on my character then my physical beauty.

Do you think you have a better handle on your anxiety now?

Yes, a lot better since the weight loss. I can stand on my feet longer and I don’t sweat as much. Those were factors that contributed to my anxiety. Being in hot or sweaty places I felt too self-conscious, that would give me anxiety. Now I think it’s fine that I’m standing on the tram and sweating, because it’s hot and everyone else is sweating as well. I’m more logical about it, which helps me cope.

What is it that you wish to pursue?

I’ve got a few different areas of interest. Things like counselling and nutrition, naturopathy and massage. I tried to sign up to a basic science course recently because I thought it would be a stepping stone to nutrition, but I couldn’t even do that. I struggled with the content, I couldn’t relax while I was in the classroom. I just wasn’t open to learning. I haven’t found a learning style that works for me. I never learnt proper learning techniques, I’ve got a few things working against me. I’d love to pursue a career, love to feel successful like I’ve got something going for me. It’s a little bit more mainstream at times, I don’t have to be like everybody else, I would like the basic things, like a good income. I would like a nice rental place, to feel I’ve got my own space, my own independence, my own animals if I wanted to.

How are you feeling now?

I always like sharing my story, I find it useful for me and for the other person. I hope it’s been an interesting journey for you to come along on my journey and come into my world a little bit. I appreciate the opportunity, I really do. It’s not often I get to talk about these things, especially not with my Mum and sisters who I like to share things with. I worry that I might depress them, or as my sister has turned around and said, “Go tell your therapist”. You know, they don’t know how to deal with these things. If I’m feeling suicidal, what are they going to do for me? They are just going to worry. It’s been a great opportunity to share my story.