HEIDI, 33 Bubbly
Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.
How are you feeling?
I’m doing alright yeah, there has been a lot that has been happening in my life. Not too sure if I should get into it or not but yeah, I’m doing okay just living one day after the other.
Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?
I think my mental illness started from my family upbringing so I don’t have a close family relationship. It was quite hostile, every time when I would come home it would be a dread to come home because mum and dad would argue a lot. I would walk into an environment where it would seem quite negative and when I would come home, just like a teenager, I would go straight to my room to do my own thing. If I go look for something to eat, I would just eat by myself and sit in front of the TV. I feel like what I was missing from my childhood and upbringing was the physical love of hugs and kisses, them saying “I love you”. I didn’t feel like a confident child, teenager and then eventually an adult so I especially started not having any confidence at all with myself. Had very low self- esteem, according to my sister I was a mute. Would walk into my room and not say anything, just sit in my corner and just ignore everyone. I was very in my own world and then I think one thing that made me transform and become a different person, was actually when I started training. How that started was, I was just exercising in my room and one day my brother came by and said “it doesn’t look like you’re enjoying what you’re doing, why don’t you join the gym? You’ll enjoy it more, there’s people there, music, exercise equipment, everything is there, you’ll enjoy it more”. He started the gym before me so he knows the benefits to training and the other thing that I wasn’t happy with was my body shape. I was a size 14 but now I’m a size 10, I did lose a certain amount of weight, not a lot but enough that I was happy with it.
Since I started training, I did get addicted to it five days a week. I got addicted to it to the point that, that was my drug. I wanted to keep going to get those endorphins, to make me feel good. I think that was the time where that only made me happy, which is why every time I go to work and then finish work, I have this routine of going training and getting those endorphins by training. To make me feel better and look better as well, I think it originated from my family upbringing, not getting enough love. Therefore, I didn’t have a lot of friends, I felt very sheltered, alone, alienated and lost. I think the training helped and that’s when my confidence grew but at the time I didn’t really speak very much. One day I decided I won’t be happy if I stay muted and not say anything to people and obviously, I want to be happier. I thought I would start speaking more to people which sounds a bit strange. First time when I did that, this was when I was at my sister’s place hanging out and I just started having a conversation with her ex at the time. It just went from there and I just tried to believe in myself, to encourage myself to speak to people more. Having the confidence to speak and that helped a lot obviously, it made me a feel a little bit more comfortable being in social situations, approaching people and feeling comfortable talking to people I don’t know, starting conversations. I still have that problem in me where I’m in social circles I don’t know, still have that issue because people that know me think I might come across as this bubbly and talkative person, that’s obviously the person I want to be but on the inside, it’s someone totally different. As they say, it’s all about believing, it’s about training your mind in a different way but after saying that, I feel like I’m a totally different person. I’m always putting on a strong act, thinking that I’m okay but you don’t know whether someone’s okay until you talk to that person.
Before you found training/fitness, what were you using to comfort yourself whilst going through those feelings of isolation?
That’s a very good question. I can’t even remember what I used to continue feeling content to keep living day after day. To be honest either I blocked that part in my life or because it’s been so stressful lately, my memory is just deteriorating. It’s hard for me to remember what even made me happy, other than getting away from the house, training, getting away from that negativity. That non-loving environment, maybe just getting away from the house and just being out there doing things. Going out, meeting people, listening to music, I think that’s all I can think of at this moment.
How has fitness mentally helped you?
One of the things that popped in my mind is when I trained in the beginning it would take the trainer and myself a while to build that confidence in my mind. To be able to be confident in training, knowing what I was doing. Training helped my mind as well as my health because it’s made me a little more confident in the training aspect, made me stronger in every way and I think it’s made me more confident mentally outside of training, I believe it has.
Did you ever confront your parents at any time, about what you were feeling?
No because the relationship I had with them, wasn’t the sort of relationship I could just be open. I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about anything but stuff like food in the house, important stuff that is relevant to me if that makes sense. No, I never went up to them and said “I feel like you guys didn’t give me that love when I was young, so it has shaped the person I am today”. No, never brought that up to them because I never felt comfortable wanting to have that conversation with them.
That love and affection that you didn’t receive, did you ever blame yourself for the reason why?
Nope, why should I blame myself? I would describe myself as a very loving person but at the same time I don’t know what it means, what it feels like because I never got it. I know I’m a loving person so no I definitely don’t blame myself. There would be no reason as to why I blame myself, I was never a difficult child, friend or person, I’m always there to help people out. Always caring, considerate and generous.
Did you ever feel growing up, you had pressure to be the perfect daughter in their eyes?
I knew that there was some sort of expectation because mum and dad, especially mum would mention a few times that you’re the “good daughter, you would always listen”. If I ever acted out or did something they didn’t like, they would be shocked because they expected even more from me, or they didn’t expect me to do things that would upset them or make them angry. I felt like there was a little bit of expectation, that Asian expectation of you need to do well at school and therefore you will do well when you finish school. Especially coming from my dad, even though it wasn’t me specifically he would always expect his kids to be learning, spend less time playing. Pretty much don’t waste your time, use your time wisely to learn things. My dad’s perception of me was, he was constantly worried about me. He thought I couldn’t do a lot of things like my brother and sister could, which probably caused a part of the depression as well. Like I said, they never built up my self-esteem unfortunately. I remember my mum when I was a kid at school, I took a library book I think and I lost it. She went to my school and she told me off in front of everyone she said “how stupid, that I lost the book”. That word stupid has unfortunately been ingrained in my mind, that I can be a bit dumb because she has said that a number of times to me. Dad wouldn’t say that word but he would show it a number of other ways. I never thought I was supported in the family, never.
How do you think that lack of affection, love and support took a toll on your mental health?
I didn’t realise I had depression until I became older. I didn’t know better, didn’t know how to defend myself, always being told what to do. I felt like I was a bit bullied by my brother and sister yeah, I had to get away from that house. Funny thing is sometimes I feel like I was adopted, I was never close to anyone and didn’t get along with anyone there was just a lot of negativity, not a lot of support in that household. It’s tough how I managed to grow up, managed to hide all those things. It’s funny though I know I have depression, now when I think about it, it all starts from that. I shouldn’t blame them, but it’s the truth. It didn’t help that while my parents were trying to feed the family and build a whole new life in Australia, when they immigrated from Vietnam my sister had to look after my brother and I. It’s a bit odd that she at times supported us by going to all our functions, anything important to us, school events, organised parties for us but somehow emotionally, I think she wasn’t supporting me specifically. She was very intimidating and that didn’t help me grow because I was always sheltered in that house, always relying on everyone. That’s why it took me ages to leave.
Do you think your sister may have held a grudge towards you because she had to be the parent to her siblings and missed out on having a childhood herself?
Yep, I definitely felt sorry for her about that, about the fact she was forced to take that responsibility to look after us, whilst still studying and working. Somehow still living life as a teenager, so it was very stressful for her as well unfortunately.
You mentioned depression, how has that played a part in your life?
Depression affects how I see myself and affects how I feel generally. I’ll go through my ups and downs of my feelings and situations, situations will obviously make it worse. Having depression will make me see the world in a different way. It makes me feel alone but some of the factors that make it worse are not having that bond or closeness with people in general. That will aggravate the depression, so having depression makes life unfortunately more difficult, it makes it really difficult. You do feel like you are alone and in your own world and nobody can help you. When you go through that dark period, dark times or dark days it feels like crap.
Have you sought out any assistance for depression?
Something else popped in my mind, what made me realise I have depression. Prior to that I had no idea. I was sad a lot, down a lot, had no idea it was depression. When I was at work and something just hit me, this darkness just hit me, this dark cloud the energy just dropped, my feelings just dropped, everything just dropped and I realised this doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to feel like this, I need help. A couple of years ago I went to get help. I went to see a psychologist or counsellor and I started to see her regularly. I did ask for help then but I’m not getting any help now.
Do you put on a mask to hide how you truly feel?
Yes, all the time but at the same time I do that to try and tell myself that I’m okay and it’s my way of trying to be positive. Deep down inside, I do have my issues and battles. I try to get through the day and life, trying to stay strong and positive. I have my ups and downs, things will trigger it and make it worse, so that doesn’t help.
Are you scared that mask will eventually slip and you may have to confront those true feelings?
Not really because recently I had a big, teary moment so until you start seeing me tear up, I’ll start talking about my problems. I guess I won’t necessarily talk about my own deeper issues because obviously, I won’t talk about it unless I trust you. I’m not that scared because I don’t care, I don’t care how people would judge me because one, they don’t matter to me and two they don’t matter to me so why should I care.
What was the breaking point for you to decide to move out of home?
I remember it only happened recently, I was at home and I was watching TV. I was having a conversation with dad, I can’t remember what the conversation was. We had a huge argument to the point where I said “I have to leave, I can’t take this anymore. This is the boiling point, I’m going to leave”. My two friends at the time, I called them up and told them the situation and one of the friends at the time helped me find a place. Even though I was scared, of how they would react to this whole situation because I’ve been living under this roof for so long, it’s quite a scary moment it’s even almost terrifying. Luckily something like that happened but it’s unfortunate something like that happened we were both angry. It’s not an emotion I want to experience a lot. Speaking of anger, I can slowly understand why I get so angry with the world, I feel like I got a short temper because of once again my upbringing. If I was surrounded by positive energy and a warm, loving environment, I wouldn’t be so angry with the world, with people around me. Things wouldn’t tick me off so easily and I always wonder before why am I so angry, always agitated about little things. You wouldn’t suspect that about me, you would think I’m this happy, bubbly person. If you were with me 24-7, you’d see I would lose my fuse often, to the point I probably need anger management if you saw the real me. Things like being in public transport is one of the worst things, getting into my space, a lot of people can tick me off. If you saw it you would either laugh, or you’d be “I’m a bit worried about her”. I like to go off on a tangent, when I start talking I’ll just talk about everything, you’ll never get bored because I have thousands of stories and experiences.
Do you think those anger outbursts that you have now is unresolved anger that you have for your parents?
Has to be, that’s the only thing that makes sense. Why would I snap at people I don’t even know? Why would I get agitated or feel annoyed and uneasy when someone does something? Yeah, I would think that’s the reason.
What was the experience like when you first moved out and what qualities did you notice in yourself that you didn’t have before?
It was a little bit scary and exciting at the same time. Scary because obviously how would my parents feel about all of this, how upset would they feel. Will mum cry her eyes out? Will dad have a heart attack? Also getting out of my comfort zone because I like staying within my comfort zone, I did a really good job staying at home in my comfort zone. It’s a bit ironic though, comfort zones are meant to feel comfortable but I didn’t exactly feel great there. At the same time, it felt exciting because it’s a new chapter, it means freedom, it means getting away from that environment. It could possibly mean a better relationship with mum and dad which it has been, it’s been the best ever since. It’s not the greatest but it’s way better, so it’s been scary, exciting and just that feeling of not knowing what is going to happen. Knowing that I could do it, I was capable of living away from home, being able to do things on my own, being able to adapt to the new situation.
Did you still feel a responsibility for your parents regardless of your relationship growing up?
Yep, I actually felt like the world would fall apart in their world if I leave because I’m not there to help them out with things. So yes, I did feel some small sense of responsibility even after leaving the home. This is going to sound funny and weird but it’s like they brainwashed me to think that I can rely on them. “I must not leave that place because you won’t be able to make it on your own”. I felt like I had that responsibility to stay there, as long as possible.
If you had to stand in front of your parents and voice how you felt what would you say to them?
It was tough living in this environment, it didn’t help when you guys were arguing. I would dread coming home, I hated being in that environment of negativity of nagging and negativity, hated that, didn’t help me, didn’t help the person I am today. Which is why I feel the way I do today, I got depression because of this upbringing. I’m not saying I’m trying to blame you but I’m very upset the fact that it was like that, these days I find it hard to live.
Do you resent your parents?
No, they had it really difficult trying to start a new life in Australia. Not being able to speak English, having to feed three kids, coming from a war stricken country, finding a house, finding money to live. The fact that I didn’t get the love I wanted and being in that negative environment, I was not happy and I’m not happy with it now. I don’t resent them because they had it really difficult, so no.
When you look at your relationship with your family now, how would you describe it?
It is better, definitely because we have that space between us and they’ll respect me more because they know I’m capable of living away from home. That feeling of missing your daughter, looking forward to seeing her for whatever reason even if it’s for food, cooking for her or whatever. My relationship especially with mum and dad has been a lot better than it was before, definitely.
What does love mean to you?
Someone that is there for me, that will give me hugs and kisses, that will spend time with me, that will appreciate me as a person. Sometimes it’s hard to describe it, when you never got it in the first place, at all ever.
Are you envious of families that are quite loving and affectionate or do you tend to crave it?
I think it’s more of a craving, it’s a craving of that’s what I lack, that’s what I want, that’s what I need. I can be a jealous and envious person generally but in that instance, it’s more of I’m craving that I’m missing that. I want it and I need it, it’s going to make me feel a whole lot better about myself.
Is the affection and love from friends and partners enough?
Still missing like I said before I have never felt that love from anyone whether it’s from a guy or friend, family member or colleague. I truly don’t know what the meaning of love is because nobody has really shown me it.
Who do you count as your support network?
Yourself, it hurts when I pause and I don’t say names straight away. I suppose in a way my household at this moment, a lady at work she’s seen that side of me when I broke down in front of her. Have you noticed that I didn’t mention my family? That’s pretty obvious isn’t it. I almost saw Evan’s family which is my ex, his family my family. When I saw how warm and loving they were to each other, how they would greet each other with a kiss, before they say goodnight and kiss each other and give each other hugs. Definitely something I was lacking when I was growing up.
Do you want a family of your own?
Scared to have a family because I need to focus on myself at this point. In the past, I said no but I’d say I’m unsure, things might change so I don’t know. It’s better than a no because before it was “no I don’t want to, I don’t want to have that responsibility. I don’t want them to have that upbringing, I’m struggling to look after myself, how would I look after another person”.
Picture a rollercoaster right now and your feelings in your current life, are you about to go down the rollercoaster feeling quite low or are you right up the top feeling wonderful?
It’s more in between because it’s tough at this moment because of the break up and what it’s like in the same household as your ex and lacking that love. I know it’s a break up but still wanting it because I’m lacking it, I’m still wanting it whether I realise it’s reality or not. At the same time, I know next chapter will be way better for the both of us. I’m in the middle, not too far from the bottom, not too far from the top, struggling to get up I guess.
What are you looking forward to the most in this new chapter?
Happiness, being able to walk into an environment and click with the people and to look forward to going back to that place again and again every single day and calling it home. Being able to confide in that person or people, being able to feel happier again, much happier. I’ll be able to get better sleep, won’t be so sad anymore, hopefully I’ll be the happiest I’ve ever been, to feel good it’s that feeling.
Thinking about your present life, what are you most afraid of?
It’s hard to describe the feeling, I guess starting all over again. Not being able to feel comfortable, happy and connect with people in the new place. Missing the people that I’m currently living with, starting in a different environment. Worried that it won’t be what I want it to be especially in the long term.
What do you think is the key to your happiness?
Being around positive, happy, fun people. Support groups, staying active, healthy, training, eating well, looking after yourself, getting enough rest, doing the things that you love, obviously working in the right environment in terms of people and the actual activity. Being in the ideal job, profession or career. Being in the right environment like I said positive, happy, warm environment. Having nice, close knit friends that I just connect with doing what I love, which is training constantly. I should never stop because it makes me happy, going out more, going to travel because I know that will make me become a better person. Find myself more and transform and be a better version of me.
Do you think happiness is easy to obtain?
In a way, as they say happiness is not given to you, you must create it. There are things you can change if you are unhappy with it, find something better. Change can be a scary thing but change is the only way you can grow and become stronger, a better version of yourself.
Do you have any regrets Heidi?
I regret getting in a relationship with someone that I live with. As I’m experiencing right now when things get difficult, one of them has to move out. I regret in a way I shouldn’t have done that because it is very difficult at this moment. I have to learn from my mistakes, I regret not leaving earlier from home so I could be much happier. I do regret staying in my current job, for as long as it’s been. I wouldn’t say I regret, but I felt like I should have gone travelling by now, that’s just my own thing. Last thing, I regret helping my sister out, financially. That didn’t help my life or situation because I shouldn’t have to.
When you think about your journey from childhood to now, are you proud of yourself?
Extremely, despite what I’ve said so far in the interview it’s been tough. It’s a rollercoaster, all that stuff, I’m very proud of what I’ve achieved so far. I really do feel like I’ve taken the courage to make that step and go ahead with it, believe in myself. Yes, I’m very pleased with what I’ve done in my life so far.
How are you feeling now?
I guess after having that big cry I guess I feel a bit better, I don’t feel too sad. Obviously helps to talk about it, talking about my personal issues and going into what it was like living in my family household. I feel better then I was at the beginning, having counselling sessions does help a lot. Talking it out, having someone listen to you, crying it out, having someone actually properly listen to you. Instead of playing on their phone or staring into the distance.