GEORGIA, 23 Creative
Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.
How are you feeling?
To be honest, I’m actually feeling quite nervous about what questions you are going to ask me. Am I going to know what to say? Just those kind of things, thinking about it beforehand. I’m good though, I’m excited.
Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?
I don’t remember much from my childhood at all, until about 12, it was just very broken. My first memory was screaming for my mum not to leave home because I was left with my dad. At that time, the situation was very abusive mentally and physically. I know from the start I grew up feeling very different, not quite the same as everyone else, more like an alien. I had pet mice, and I was very obsessed with them, and would avoid everyone, go to my room and watch my mice. I didn’t want anything to do with the outside world. My mum and my dad split up, then we moved around every year, so we didn’t go to school very much because of all the moving. I don’t really know how I felt about it, it’s all quite cloudy. We moved around all the time until I was about 8 years old. Around that age, my mum got a new boyfriend, and we began to see our Dad again every second weekend.
We started going to school properly, full time. On my first day of school, I started getting bullied. At first over silly things like my last name, which seems different because it is German. I have always been really skinny, and my dad used to tell me how disgusting I looked because of my weight. Somewhere between the age of 8-10, he began to develop feelings and an attraction towards me, and I don’t think I was able to comprehend how messed up that was. In a way, he made me believe I was more special than everyone else, which I guess, really did make me feel special, because I didn’t realise it was wrong. But in so doing, he would also suddenly drop me completely, and make me feel disgusting and unworthy. He was a very unpredictable man. He was very mean, and would only be nice when he wanted something from me. Other times he would put me down, tell me I’m not good enough, and that I’d never achieve my dreams. Growing up, I wanted to work with animals, but he told me I’d never be good enough for that. He was schizophrenic and bipolar, and would talk about things I didn’t understand, like the universe and his delusions of life. He thought I understood him because I was very quiet, but really, I was too scared to ask him what he was talking about because he would get angry and abusive if I questioned him. Because I was quiet, he thought we were specially connected in some way, and from there, I started to closer and closer to him.
I stopped talking, I didn’t talk to my mum about it at home, as she had a new boyfriend, and was always very much “boyfriend before kids”. I felt really trapped, which is why I’d stay with my mice, watching them, but I would also abuse the mice because of the pain I felt. I don’t do that anymore, just so you know. I didn’t even realise what I was doing, at the time. I just couldn’t cope with what was going on, and my memories are all very broken. My brother eventually reached out to my mum and said “if we are left with our dad, we are never going to make it”. My mum decided to get a restraining order against him, and we stopped seeing him after the ages of 12-13.
He tried to contact me through school, he sent me suicide letters, and would highlight books with strange meanings that didn’t make sense and send them to me. I didn’t know what to think about it. Once he was gone, my life was more focused on my mum and her boyfriend. At the time, my mum had a drinking problem, as did her boyfriend. He also smoked marijuana every day. He was mentally abusive and mean, always putting us down. He didn’t like us spending time with mum or being close with her because he was very jealous and possessive. He also had two kids that were introduced to us when we were young. They were little brats, always getting their own way, able to do whatever they wanted. Those kids ran the house, and we weren’t allowed to do anything.
They would have bigger meals than us, they would get lunch money for school when we wouldn’t, things like that. Thinking back upon it now, I love my mum, she’s had a tough life but I guess I am upset about that. Mum rented and worked her ass off to keep that house, and her boyfriend wouldn’t pay a cent, he just lived in there leeching off all of us. He tried to push us away, and she allowed it, which is upsetting, but I forgive her because I love her. She regrets what happened, and I’m sure she will for the rest of her life. I do wish I could take that regret away from her. I love her, and I don’t think she needs to feel any worse than she already does for what has happened, just love her and look after her.
It’s hard to say when most of my mental health issues kicked in, as I was very closed off and shut down. I didn’t care about anyone except my one childhood friend who lived close by before we started moving around every year. I would say it started getting really bad when I was about 13-14 years old, when I had to start trying to live like a normal person and try to socialise. That’s when the anxiety really set in, as I had to start living. Soon, I started self-harming and living in a fantasy world I’d created in my head since I was very young. It was a completely different world I could go into and live, create everything I wanted, build on all the characters and control everything to how I wanted it, I’d just fantasise all day in bed. When I had to go to school, I’d be in a completely different world, I wouldn’t be in this reality at all. I was doing all that and self-harming, before my drug and alcohol use came. We were still moving houses at the time, but we stayed in the same area so we kept going to the same school. I hated school! the only thing I liked was art, I loved art. I still love art, I had one close friend at school, but felt so different from everyone else. I couldn’t connect with anyone on any level. My one friend, who’s actually best friends with my brother as well, was amazing at art. We would just listen to heavy metal music in the art room. That was the only good good experience during my schooling days.
Eventually, I was getting drunk and smoking weed. I couldn’t concentrate at school anyway, and I often wouldn’t show up. I don’t even know how I passed, but I did somehow. I never handed work in, but was always very polite, and was never rude or acted up. It was just myself, and despite the anger and hatred towards myself, I was always a kind person to others. I got bullied in high school as well, as people would make fun of me because I dressed differently. Our school wasn’t too strict on uniform, so I would take it as far as I could until I got told off. People would tell me to eat a burger and make all sorts of other comments about my weight. At the time, I was closed off, so I didn’t let it get to me, but it truth, it did all stay with me, and eventually, it all sank in. It didn’t help my feelings about myself at the time, and I became self-conscious, always feeling less than everyone else.
I ended up drinking everyday because the noise in my head was so loud and constant. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I kept thinking, “fuck what’s the point of living, seriously, if this is all this is happening?” Getting out of bed, I would dread how I was going to feel the next day, I’d dread the day, dread what was going to happen, and just felt so heavy. Somehow, I pushed through, and as bad as the drinking and drug use was beginning to get, I think it did really help me for a time. I couldn’t deal with anything without it, and I do believe it saved me at the time. Eventually, my mum couldn’t take the abuse from her boyfriend anymore. There was a lot of drama and it was difficult to get away from him, but we did, which was such a relief. She got away from him after 10 years.
We went to a women’s shelter for a while, which was great because it meant mum’s ex-boyfriend had no means of approaching us. Our family came together again, and although I did find it embarrassing going to a shelter, it was nice to have a break from all the constant drama and start our life again in a new area. I enrolled in college wanting to study art, but could not hold it up because my anxiety got so bad, and I hated how I felt. My work was too hard to deal with, I couldn’t even work on a computer next to someone because I was scared of everyone. Thinking back now, I spent 95% of the time worrying about what people thought of me and not being good enough in their eyes, telling myself, “I’m shit, I’m stupid, I’m not good enough,” the same thoughts repeatedly, until I simply dropped out, because I couldn’t take it anymore.
At the time, I was on Centrelink, my mum was an alcoholic, my brother Joe was at school, and my older sister was living with her friends and getting on with life. I’d drink everyday because my mum had an alcohol problem, so I’d manipulate her into getting what I wanted, as I knew she wanted alcohol. I used to also I abuse the medications prescribed to me for my anxiety and depression. I eventually made some friends, and they were a lot older than me. The people I chose to spend time with would drink like me, and would also introduce me to drugs I had never tried. Twenty-year-olds and up, who would use drugs and drink. I hadn’t used heavy drugs when I was fourteen, it was more just alcohol. I just remember that it made me feel comfortable, as we could all just escape reality and not have to talk about anything important. We didn’t have to try and force a conversation, I didn’t have to try, I was simply accepted. That was the first time I felt like I fit in.
My drinking eventually spiraled downwards. I was at the pub every day, and if not, at home, drinking alone. I didn’t really like going out, as most of the time I would feel uncomfortable. We ended up moving to Melbourne when I was about 18. I kept doing the same thing, repeatedly not getting anywhere with myself. I avoided dealing with my problems, and I would attempt therapy sessions, but would only ever attend one or two sessions before giving up. I’d go to the doctors to get more medications, and they’d suggested I see a psychologist, but I could never keep up with it. It’s like with school, or anything I started, I really wanted to be something, but I couldn’t stick to it. I had always wanted to have a career with animals and study art but I could never take the next step forward to accomplish what I wanted to do. I’d procrastinate and think to myself, “I can’t be bothered or I don’t want to do this right now”. I realise now, I was just scared of failing and not being good enough. It was the same old pattern of thinking. I didn’t try at all because the idea of failing was worse than trying.
Eventually, I began to experience Delirium Tremens, which are severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms, such as shaking, confusion and hallucinations, which was a scary experience. I was very mentally and physically ill for about two weeks. The symptoms just seemed to get worse as the days went on, and the funny thing is, I did not even realise the alcohol was the reason behind it. I thought I had just gone crazy. Throughout my withdrawal process, there was a point where I came to a decision that I would not drink again for a long time, after I had recovered. Once I did recover, it was probably about one week, and I’d relapse into drinking again. I was doing stupid things like drinking on public transport, and doing things I thought I’d never do in front of other people. I really embarrassed myself, and I tried to stop because I’d get told “I think you got an issue with it”. I thought “you’re stupid, I’m young, everyone my age drinks, everyone my age takes this and that”. It’s a scene, and everyone does it, it’s around you, so it’s hard not join in. The thing is, what differed with my situation from everyone else’s was that I did it on my own, it wasn’t to have fun. I was doing it to stop my head from all the negative and mean thoughts. I’d never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself, ever. I can be so mean to myself, it got to the point I’d look at people walking the streets when I’d be at the pub at 12 am in the morning, looking at old men because I knew they would buy me drinks because I didn’t have any money.
My Mum and brother were very worried about me. My mum had stopped her drinking all together because she didn’t want alcohol in the house around me. My sister had moved in with us, and the three of them would surround me, begging me to stop. They would hug me and say things like “Please, please stop”, but all my head was thinking was “get the fuck away from me! You don’t know what you are talking about, I’m fine!” I had lost connection with my family and all care for myself. Luckily though, the opportunity came up for me to go to rehab. I’ve never seen my brother cry before, and I remember him crying that day because there was blood running down my leg. I remember they would hug me and say “please”, and I’d say “get the fuck away from me”. I couldn’t connect on that level anymore, I wasn’t connected with myself or anyone else, I was just destroying myself, really. I didn’t want to live, but I didn’t want to die, really, that’s how I felt. I ended up going into rehab for three months in a charity bed which people usually pay $30,000 for. Don’t know how I got so lucky, but I didn’t want to go. I just went to get people of my back, and I was there for three months.
The first month was really difficult. The majority of the time I was thinking, “what is this shit?”. I was taken to meetings where people suffering with drug and alcohol addiction would share experiences, strengths and hopes. I’m pretty sure you have to keep it anonymous, and a lot of people think it’s like a religious program, but it’s actually not like that at all. It’s about turning to your own higher power, something greater than yourself. About a month in, there was a particular meeting I attended. A lady was sharing her experience with mental health and her addiction. What she shared was pretty much my exact story, and I just broke down. It was a shock to hear my exact thoughts and feelings come out of someone else’s mouth. A strange sense of hope and relief came over me, and I just could not stop crying. From then on I became a bit more willing to stop hating the fact that I was in rehab, and started thinking that maybe there was an opportunity for me to be happy too. I would hear a lot in these meetings that it is possible to be happy and live without needing to drink and to use drugs, and I began to feel some hope.
As well as meetings, I did a lot of therapy and a lot of work on learning how to love myself. I think the thing that helped me get back on my feet was hearing other people have the same problems as me, felt the same way I did, felt different from everyone else, and hated themselves as much as I hated myself. Some had hope of getting better, and that was my first step to getting clean. After I left rehab, I attended meetings every day. I built relationships with people who wanted to stay away from the negativity of drugs and alcohol. I began to make meaningful friendships, and even met my boyfriend, who also attended these meetings. We have been together for four years now. He will soon be five years clean from a 13-year ice addiction. I am very proud of him. He’s 13 years older than I am, so it sounds like daddy issues, but it’s actually not. He’s turning 37, but a young 37. It’s strange being in a healthy relationship now, as I used to believe that people only truly cared if they were controlling, abusive and jealous. I can see now that it is really the opposite. So, it’s funny what you’ve grown up with, shown and what you think can differ. I didn’t treat him very well at all because I didn’t trust anyone, I didn’t trust men, and I didn’t trust people in general. I was paranoid, I thought he was going to hurt me, but he ended up staying around for a long time, and I learnt to trust him, which helped me grow, for sure.
I think what’s helped me is removing the people that aren’t good for me in my life, negative behaviour, people who aren’t trying to grow, themselves. I don’t speak to anyone who’s still drinking like I used to, because I still want to, and if I do, I could end up exactly where I started. I don’t have about two close friends, and the rest are acquaintances. My best friend has the same past as me, but experienced a lot more, as she’s gone through all sorts of things like eating disorders. I’ve never met someone who’s fought so hard to live a good life, to be healthy, to help other people, and to be strong. That really inspires me. I choose to have those sorts of people in my life, people who help others, don’t drag others down, how have no jealousy and no controlling traits, who just love. That’s what keeps me clean. I can talk to them about anything going on in my head. It’s hard I have a voice ingrained inside me which tells me, “I’m not good enough, I’m worse than everyone else, I’m shit, I’m ugly, I’m not pretty enough, I’m too skinny and I’m this and that”.
To be honest, I don’t know if that will ever stop, but I can now accept that it will get better over time. I go to work, I try my best to live normally, so I am so much better now than I was previously. I’ve gotten help, and I’m not using anymore. I still experience shit, but in the past, it was every single day that I didn’t want to wake up and didn’t want to deal with life. Now, it’s half that, if not less, I am positive and I’m happy. I love my life, and I’m grateful, because I have things now. I never thought I could get a job, and be confident at a job. I feel like for once, I’m worthy.
Today, I try my best to do the things I love, despite what my head tells me. I draw as much as I can in the spare time I have. I work full time in a good job. I still struggle with negative thoughts about myself, but I keep pushing through, no matter how bad it gets. I have learnt that my feelings pass, and that I can share my thoughts and feelings with people I now trust. It has made life so much easier, and actually enjoyable. I have three cats I look forward to coming home to every day. I feel very lucky to have the life I have now. Sometimes I’ll still tell myself, “Georgia you’re shit, don’t even try”. So now, all I do is draw, every single day, no matter what my head says to me about the drawing, I just keep doing it. I’m really grateful I have things to offer now, instead of nothing. I’m there for my family, I help my family as much as I can. I’m still quick to jump to the worst conclusions, but I’m my own person now. I still don’t know myself completely, but I know myself a lot more than I did before.
Going back to your childhood, did you ever want to grab your brother and run away from your situation e.g. your father?
It’s interesting you ask that, because my therapy sessions at the moment involve talking about past experiences, and reexperiencing the uncomfortable, uncontrollable things that had happened to me. I’m not sure exactly, but it’s like hypnosis, and they take you back into the memories. It’s hard to pinpoint how I really felt, because I was manipulated into believing lots of things that happened were normal and okay. But there were times when I did get very scared, and wanted to run when dad would suddenly get really angry and violent. I’d ask, “Where’s mum? What’s going on?” I’d be confused as to why he was making it all out to be funny and fun. I’d experience that cross between extreme discomfort and fear. I did just want to take Joe and run, I wanted to get out, but it’s strange, because I feel as though I’m talking about someone else. I feel as though I’m not connected any of this, so it’s hard to remember, unless I delve into it properly at therapy. As my counsellor told me, I’ve had to push all those incidents down, as there’s no way I would have coped otherwise. I’ve had to learn to push it all away, and shut my brain to it, because everything was so fucked.
If your father came into your life right now, how would you approach him?
I’d run, I’d run. I’ve thought about this a few times actually. Maybe that will change in time, but I know that I could never have a normal relationship with him. The last thing I heard about him from my grandparents, was that he was living out on the streets of Malaysia, drifting in and out of jail. God knows what he was doing there. That’s the last I heard, but if I saw him again, I would run and I wouldn’t stop running, to be honest.
Once you spoke to your mum about the abuse, did you feel like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders to some extent?
I didn’t tell my mum until I was 15-16 years old, because I only started to comprehend what had happened to me at 14 years old, especially with the flashbacks happening, and all that. It was more I didn’t like talking about it at all, because I felt a lot of shame around everything that happened. I still keep talking about it to a minimum, with my mum, because it just hurts her hearing it. I keep most of it to myself and my counsellor. “What’s wrong with me? I’m disgusting”. I get a lot of thoughts those kind of thoughts in my head when I think about what happened, and I can’t get these thoughts out of my head sometimes. I think, “Georgia your fucked, you’re so sick, why are you thinking about these things?”. I was made to believe that what happened was okay and fun, that I was special, and that was our way of bonding. It makes me feel like a total sicko sharing these sorts of things! So, the only person I truly feel ok talking about it with is my counsellor and my best friend, who has had similar experiences. I’m wrong for making it an issue, that’s how I sort of feel. The only person I feel relief talking to about it, is my counsellor. It’s hard, I know if I tell my mum all she will do is feel bad and feel shit about herself, I’m just making her feel guilty. I just feel more relief talking to my counsellor about it.
Do you feel your mum should have done more to protect you?
I think she could have prevented it more, yes, I do. I don’t sit in the blame now because I think that’s completely unnecessary. You can’t change the past, and I wouldn’t hold that on her, because I know she would do anything for me now. She was really unwell, herself. Yes, she told me when we were children that she found child pornography on his computer, a year’s worth of it. When we were children, my dad also tried it on with my half-sister, who was 14, at the time. Clearly, he had some issues. But Mum probably couldn’t comprehend the idea of my Dad ever doing anything like he did, which is why she allowed us to see him. I have a half step sister, mum’s daughter who’s not related to my dad, and he tried it on with her, when she was 14. He wanted to run away with her, and leave my mum. Why would mum still want us to go to him? I think she had her other boyfriend, and it was fine to drop us off with him, but she definitely could have prevented it. I’d never say that to her, but you know what, she probably knows that herself, so let’s get real.
Do you feel a sense of responsibility for your mother?
Yes, I do, very much so. I’m very scared that she’ll end up unhappy because she’s lived a hard life. She lives alone now, but she’s happy. She is at peace now, she doesn’t have any bad men in her life. She’s got a cat, which I bought for her. I worry, I’m always worried, as she struggles financially. She’s alright by herself, and I’m always there if she needs help. I feel like I need to make sure everything is okay, or I can’t rest my mind. I don’t know what it is, she’s suffered from a lot of abuse as well, so I don’t know if it’s the whole survivor’s thing of trying to look out for others, or some could say it’s co-dependency, but I’m not sure.
How did the bullying effect you, in terms of the comments about your body?
I get really self-conscious, and I am always what other people are thinking, when I’m out, how they must think I look disgusting etc. It can get really mentally exhausting. I have days where I do feel good about myself, though it just depends on what mood I’m in. Generally, if I am happy I am ok with my body, and when I am depressed, I can’t stand my body. I am used to my up and down feelings about myself.
Going through that ordeal, did you blame yourself or can you understand you’re a victim?
I understand that I was a victim, when I was a child, but I do blame myself and feel ashamed with myself now as I experience intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. I just need to constantly work on myself, or I can easily get caught up in the negativity. His excuse for hitting on me would be because I was a cute girl. So, I do blame myself, I feel like I’m in the wrong. However, the way I feel about it now and the thoughts I have now, are not specifically about what happened, they’re about how I deal with things now. Peoples’ motives, it’s all connected to what’s happened. Those are the sorts of things I have to deal with now, when I see older men, I think they’re thinking awful things about me, when they aren’t even paying any attention to me at all. I start getting intrusive thoughts about random people, it’s really odd. I can’t even look at people sometimes. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, that I’m sick, because I’m thinking all these things. I try to reflect more upon my past, but I’m still very disconnected from it. I don’t really know what I think about it, I just know I wanted him to love me, and he was only nice when he wanted something from me. He was very unpredictable too, one minute sweet, and nice the next hectic, really depressed and angry, it was like walking on egg shells.
Do you think the alcohol and drugs was your way of gaining control and having the upper hand?
Yeah, definitely, it made me feel like I was okay and life was within my control. The self-harming, beforehand, also made me feel like I was in control of my life.
Did you feel alone going through that transition?
Yeah, I felt alone since I was 12. I didn’t feel like I could open up to anyone, I was completely shut down. All I had experienced was pain, and things that didn’t make me feel safe. I guess, I tried to find people who drank and used as much as I did, so I could at least relate to someone. Anyone who was lighter than me, I didn’t want to hang out with, I’d think, “get away from me”. I used people as well, to get what I wanted, and if they didn’t have what I want, they were of no use to me, or I didn’t care. It’s very different now, I’m very picky with who I choose to have in my life, and how much effort I put into them. The people who I do choose, I love, and I’d do anything for.
What were the thoughts running through your mind when you started to question the idea of withdrawing?
I didn’t choose to withdraw, it just started happening. It was a nightmare, and in the end, all I was thinking was, you’d open your eyes and you’re withdrawing and moving. I was just screaming, I was in and out of this weird stuff, like what do I do? I would take lots of Valium and Xanax to help with it all, the shakes. I realised that if I didn’t change what I was doing, I was just going to kill myself. “I can’t do this anymore, there is nothing for me. I hate myself; I hate everyone; I hate the world, so what the fuck is the point?”. What stopped me from doing anything serious, was the guilt I would feel when I thought about what it would do to my family. Because I knew they loved me. I’ll try it, that was the turning point.
How do you feel mentally and physically, now you no longer use drugs of any kind?
It feels great not to feel the compulsion to drink anymore. When I don’t drink or take drugs, I can achieve what I would fantasise about doing, like working, having hobbies and close relationships. Before I stopped drinking, I would tell myself I would get there someday, but never did, and was always depressed about it. But I don’t feel mentally stuck in my own head anymore.
As you’re on the journey of overcoming what you have been through, do you feel you have become stronger and more resilient?
Yes, definitely. Though it’s more how I handle situations now. I still have negative thoughts, and I still feel fearful about most things, but I am able to push through now, and not be held back by it. It has been a slow process, but it gets better and better over time. I’m more resilient since I’ve gotten clean, and in rehab I was taught to share my story so I could help other people. Listening to other people helped me, seeing them overcome things made me think that I can do it too, and made me realise that things will be okay. I definitely think I am stronger, it’s hard to know when this happened, exactly, as it’s slowly happened over time.
Can you explain the feelings you were going through the first night you were in rehab, to the day you left?
Goodness, the first night I was there, I was really drugged up, so it was hard to know what was going on. I remember the pamphlet I got made it sound like I was on some sort of nice retreat, so I thought, “This is great! There is going to be so much to do”. I remember the scenery on my way to rehab – the closer we got to the destination, the less it seemed like I was going to a retreat! It turned out to be in the middle of the bush with no shops or anything close by. I was devastated, thinking, “Where the fuck am I coming to?”. I remember walking in, and everyone staring at me, and I thought, “This is shit, what kind of place have I come to?”. Because I was really off my head, I went into the room and slept. You’re allowed to have one day of grace, when you first go in there and then after that, you have to get up every morning. We had to wake up early and walk around the bush, and up a massive hill. It was freezing, and I hated it! When you are not open to help, and you don’t trust anyone, it’s really hard not to hate everyone. “I really think I should go, I don’t need to be here, I just need a full-time job, I just need to get my life together”. That’s what I’d always think before I went to rehab and then I’ll stop and it never happens, you never stop.
She would say, as they call it a disease over addiction, “Look Georgia, that’s just your disease talking to you”. When you first get there, you don’t know any of the terminology people use. I’d think to myself, “All of these people are fucked, they are off their heads”. The first month was hard. I am grateful I was there for longer than one month, because the healing and hope all started after I finally accepted the help. I was in one AA meeting and this was the turn-around in rehab I remember. A woman was up there and I was thinking, “When is this going to end?” She started sharing her story about using, she started crying and I started crying. She shared my story, the things she’d say, the things she thought about herself, how she felt in the world, I completely broke down because she was talking about me. From there, I started getting it, and started realising I have an issue. It took about a good month to drill into my head, that there was hope. I was so nervous when I walked out, because when you’re in something like that, you’re used to structure and routine. When you get out, you think, “Shit, now what am I going to do?” I was worried about my mum and the alcohol as well, but she had actually stopped drinking when I went into rehab.
I walked out, I was very nervous, and what they drill into you when you get out of rehab is that you have to go to a meeting and meet a sponsor. The first thing I did that night was go to a meeting. My brother came with me because I was nervous and then I got a sponsor, it was different, really different. I think a few days after that I went to a meeting in the city and that’s where I met my boyfriend now. He was such a creep at the start, he was a typical bloke. Anyone who knows him, would say his the kindest and most giving person in the world, his just beautiful, very lucky to have him.
Would you still be here today, if you never completed rehab?
No way, I really don’t think I would be. If I didn’t die from my substance abuse then I would have probably taken my life. I’m tiny as it is, but when you get heavily into it, you don’t have time to eat, you don’t have time for your health. No, I wouldn’t be here today.
Could you say rehab saved you?
Yes, definitely.
Self-love would have to be one of the most difficult lessons we can learn, could you name three things you love about yourself?
Self-love would have to be one of the most difficult lessons we can learn, could you name three things you love about yourself?
I love how I am not scared to like something now just because it may be a bit different than what everyone else likes. I’m sure other people love it too, but it’s also my type of stuff. Everyone in my life that I know, don’t like any of my stuff, yet I still choose to embrace that, and to go to concerts by myself. I wouldn’t go with someone who doesn’t like it because that would just drain my life and ruin everything. I love that I have a sense of humour and that I can take a joke. I’m open to things that I love, knowing that other people may not necessarily like it too. I’m into heavy metal music which a lot of people like, but I don’t have a lot of friends like it. I also like my sense of humour, I can have a good laugh and I can make other people laugh when I need to. I hate this question, I’m proud of myself, I love myself for trying, and I’m proud of myself for pushing, no matter what my head is telling me. I’m still doing counselling and art stuff, and I’m still putting myself in positions where I can get hurt. I grow from it, and I like myself for doing it. I also love that I have given myself the opportunity to open up and love other people, as well as feeling loved in return.
How do you deal with people drinking around you at concerts?
I have no issue being around alcohol for events like concerts, because I am there for the music and enjoy every minute of it. What I find difficult, is going to parties, where you are specifically there to get fucked up. I just don’t put myself situations where I know I will want to drink, if I can help it. I have never once, only ever wanted to have one or two drinks. Once I start, I cannot stop, and that’s just how it is. I can’t talk to 21-year-old girls, I’m 23, and I connect more to people aged 25 and older. If there is an event that I love, I’m fine. The other day I went into surgery because I had an ectopic pregnancy, and they had to remove my fallopian tube. I didn’t know I was pregnant. I had internal bleeding and was in a lot of pain. They gave me morphine, and it just set met off, wanting more. I had Endone after that as well, and that was really hard to not to fly of the rails, from there.
It’s funny, the things your head does, and what you’ll start thinking to justify why it’ll be good to start using, to start taking things like pain killers. Last week I had a kidney infection, and it was really sore, so I had to start taking over-the-counter medication/painkillers Codeine, and you’re advised to take 6 a day, but I took 4. I thought it felt really good, so I took the whole packet. I’ve been thinking lately, it would be nice to have a drink, it would be nice to be normal, but after doing that and realising I’ve wanted more for a whole week now, I’m not going to have it. I need to get over that obsession, or I’m going to lose everything. I can’t have a couple, it won’t be enough, it’s all or nothing. I’m just really lucky for the people I choose to have in my life don’t use, like my partner. If my boyfriend were drinking, there would be no way I could be clean, being around it.
What are you afraid of the most?
The idea of losing someone I love.
Do you have any regrets, Georgia?
To be honest, I don’t have many regrets. I guess, shaming myself in the past, and how I’ve treated myself, and what I’ve put my mum through. I regret some of the things she and my brother have seen.
Who is your support network right now?
People who try to be the best version of themselves. I have removed everyone from my life who were a negative influence and kept me down. I only choose to spend time with people who truly want the best for me. I’ve been doing a program for close to 4-5 years. I did it intensively at the beginning, but now much less. All the people at my support group, and the people I choose to spend time with do the same program. I don’t choose to be around drugs and alcohol because I’m going to drink it. I can’t decide I’m never going to have a drink again or a drug because it’s all I want to do sometimes, but I just can’t. My partner is definitely my main source of support, as well as his friends, because they’re my friends too.
They’re in the program, and they’re young. You’d think they’d be older people, having gone to rehab. That’s what I thought, anyway, but they’re not. There are girls there even younger than me. My rehab was in Bacchus Marsh, and if you don’t have a car, it’s a long way. After one month, you can have visitors, so every weekend my family would come and see me. Nobody would have a car, so they would get on a bus, the v-line train, and a cab. I think that’s really beautiful, and I’m very lucky to have family who love me, and would go anywhere for me. A lot of stuff has happened, but everyone’s changed. It’s interesting to see the change everyone makes when you make that change, it’s like a domino effect.
Can you walk me through a memory of one of the happiest moments of your life?
This may sound silly, but the happiest I ever felt was when I found a baby bird who had fallen from a nest. It was too young to survive on its own, so I took it home, kept it warm and fed it until it grew up, and was eventually old enough to take care of itself. Mum was very annoyed with me because I dug up holes all over the garden, and destroyed the compost patch to steal all the worms. Helping something that can’t help itself makes me the happiest.
If you had a message to pass on to those struggling with substance abuse and the mental health issues that follow, what would that message be?
That it really can get better, you can have a good life and you can be happy. You can find a purpose and a place in the world, and there are people who can help you. There are people who love you for who you are, and will give you hope and courage to get better.
How are you feeling now?
I’m feeling pretty good, I’ve enjoyed this.