ELLIE*, 36 Bookworm

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

Tired, but good I think.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?

Exhausting, it’s been an ongoing battle for many years. Sometimes I think I am okay and then I’ll have a really bad day, it’s like going around in circles.

Can you tell me what triggered that battle for so long?

In all honesty, there was no defining moment, incident or event that caused it. I guess it was always there. I mean, I had a very normal childhood. I got okay grades, did reasonably well at school, but I wasn’t outstanding. I was just an ordinary child, there was nothing outstanding or special about me. My family fought, but everyone’s family fought. I wasn’t popular, but I had friends, you know, just an average normal child. Deep down, I knew there was something wrong, and I guess it was my early twenties when everything bubbled to the surface.

When you mentioned there was something wrong, what did you think that was?

I just didn’t feel as good as everyone else. I wasn’t cool, I wasn’t pretty, and I certainly wasn’t the success that I should have been. I was just ordinary and that’s how I felt. I don’t know whether it was these underlying feelings of low self-worth and self-loathing that led to the depression, or whether the depression was already there.

This lack of self-assurance in yourself, did it stop you from achieving what you wanted to do in High School?

Not really in High School, High School was fine. I had my group of friends, I went to birthday parties, I had interests and activities that I was involved in. High School was okay, I wasn’t overly popular, I was just normal and average, but I survived.

You mentioned in your twenties everything started to surface?

I think in my early twenties, maybe 22 onwards. I guess it was always been there, but it started to surface around then. I was really happy, I was living out of home, I was in my first full time job, everything was going great, then all of a sudden everything just didn’t feel good. I often wish I could say there was one big thing that caused it, because if people say to me, “What’s wrong, why are you sad?” and I tell them I don’t know. I feel guilty, like I have to a huge event in my life to justify my feelings. There were bad times, and there have been many bad times, but there was no huge, massive event per se. It’s just that all of a sudden, I didn’t feel good, everything just changed.

Do you think in our twenties we put pressure on ourselves to act, feel and look a certain way to fit into society’s way of thinking?

I think I always put pressure on myself, even now, in my thirties. I know I shouldn’t, and people say “It doesn’t matter what other people think”, but I can’t help it. I want to please everyone; I want people to notice me.

Do you think that’s your need of feeling accepted by other people?

Absolutely, and I think I’ve always had a need to feel accepted. I honestly can’t explain where these feelings of inadequacy come from, and I really wish I could. I’ve always had a need to please others, to make others like me. It’s something I’ve always battled with. People tell me not to worry about what other people think, but it is so hard not to.

That lack of confidence that you have in yourself do you think it’s easier just putting yourself down then complimenting yourself?

A lot of it involves feelings of being average. Particularly in my twenties, and watching my friends succeed and achieve great careers and partners, and I was just plodding along. I wasn’t really succeeding or getting anywhere. People say, “You shouldn’t compare yourself to them,” and I know I shouldn’t, but it’s so hard. I’ve lived with these feelings of putting myself down for so long, it feels like all I’ve ever known. Complimenting myself seems strange as it’s not something I can do easily.

Do you still compare yourself to everyone you meet nowadays?

Not as much, because I know each person is different. Each person has their own battles, but occasionally I still do.

Do you feel a sense of envy towards those that have their life together?

A little, but sometimes I wonder if anyone has their life together. It may seem that they do, but they could be going through so much stuff behind their masks that we don’t know about. Just as I’m very good at wearing a mask myself, I might seem very happy, but going through a whole lot of shit. Sometimes I feel jealous, thinking, “Look at those people and their travelling and great jobs”, but I know they could have private battles nobody knows about, so I try not to be so jealous.

When your friends were succeeding in their twenties, what were you doing at that stage?

I was fine, I was working living on my own. By all accounts I was doing fine, but I just felt like I wasn’t. I was supporting myself, and I supported myself for a long time.

In your mind, what was the failure in that?

I don’t know, it was just a feeling I wasn’t good as everyone else. I had a job, I was keeping a roof over my head. By all accounts, things to be proud of, but I didn’t feel spectacular about myself. These feelings have always been there, and I’ve always felt like I’m not as good as everyone else. I mean I got okay grades, did reasonably well at school, but I wasn’t outstanding. I was just an ordinary child, there was nothing outstanding or special about me.

Were you trying to reach standards of perfection? Did you feel you could be better than what you were at the time?

I honestly don’t know. Looking back, I know there were a few years in my twenties where I could have been better than what I was. Those feelings of not being good enough really held me back from venturing out and trying new things.

Were your friends aware of what you were going through at the time?

Not really, I didn’t really talk to them about it. At the time, they were all succeeding and achieving, and I didn’t want to put a damper on that.

In a way, did you feel you would destroy their happiness, if you let them know how you felt inside?

In a sense, and I didn’t really tell my family either. I don’t know why, I just didn’t because I didn’t feel it was something I could bring up with them.

Are you still in touch with the friends you socialised with in your twenties?

I am, my best friend who has been my lifelong best friend since we were babies, I’m still in touch with, and I talk to all the time. A girl I’ve known since I was 13 and in high school, am still in touch with, and recently went to her wedding. The other girls that I knew back then, from my friendship group in late High School, in my early twenties I don’t see anymore.

Do you think it’s easier to talk to people now about your mental health?

I’m much more open now than I was, with my two co-workers. I’m really lucky, I can tell them about the meetups I attend, and the progress I’ve made. They are really cool about it, and I can tell them, “Some days I don’t feel particularly great”. I am really open, but at the same time I fear how the other person is going to react. Are they going to reject me if I’m open about my mental health and is there still stigma in society which we need to address?

Looking back on your twenties, do you think your life has improved and do you have a message for yourself?

Those dark times are still there, but less active, and I have a lot more positive days than I did back then. I see things differently now, and that battle is still ongoing, but it’s not as much a battle as it was back then. That’s a hard one because I’m still trying to find a message for myself in my thirties. I’ll get back to you on that one.

Do you think media plays a role in how your confidence is affected?

It used to, but nowadays I try to avoid media. I don’t watch the news and I don’t watch TV. I don’t have a TV, I don’t read newspapers and magazines much either. For me, personally, I no longer trust the media. I often wonder about the validity of certain news items.

By no longer looking at such media, has it helped with your confidence?

I don’t think so, I think my confidence in improving is coming from within me, and something that I’m trying to do.

What runs through your mind when you’re going through depression?

Mostly it’s negativity about myself. It’s “You’re not good enough; you’re not popular enough.” There’s a running theme of not being enough. Some days I’ll be going great and be happy with and proud of myself. Then all of a sudden, I’ll be telling myself, “What are you doing? You’re useless”. Some days I just get really tired of arguing with them, and it is exhausting. They take over, and for a while, I feel really bad about myself. For instance, some days I think I really want to chase a goal, a lifelong dream. I tell myself, I’m going to work towards it, I’m going to make it happen. Yet, every time I try to make it happen, I have a setback, and sometimes think, “Just give up, you’re not going to achieve it. Don’t bother wasting energy on it, it’s not going to happen”.

Then a few days later, I’m like, “No, I’m going to make this happen”. I’ll set plans in place, then a few weeks later, I’m back to wanting to give up, telling me I’m just going to upset myself if I keep dreaming about it. Sometimes, I try to keep busy, but sometimes I like to sit quietly. I honestly don’t know, I try and say positive things about myself, I try and remind myself of the times I have achieved things. I try and acknowledge my feelings, and acknowledge the feeling that, “Okay, I am feeling this way right now, but this feeling doesn’t define me”. It can vary, I’ve learnt to handle it better and acknowledge those feelings. Sometimes it can be a few days, sometimes a few hours.

When you get that idea in your head about reaching your goal, do you tend to put up these barriers such as your negative thoughts to stop you from achieving it?

I think so, I think because those negative thoughts have always been there, and it’s what I’ve always known. Battling them is so exhausting, that some days I can’t battle them anymore, so I let the negative thoughts in. I remember a girl I used to work with who was into mental health, and she asked me, “Are you scared of being happy?” I replied, “I’ve never really thought about that.” When you’re used to negative thoughts, you become comfortable with them, and that’s all you know.

Once you’re reached that goal, do you feel that’s your freedom? And little goals such as catching up with friends or leaving the house do you count them as goals?

It will feel that if I have reached that goal, I have achieved something. I’ve made something of myself and my life. Some days, just ordinary things that people take for granted can be goals, can be achievements. The fact that I get out of bed, go to work every day, can be an achievement to me.

Say there is mirror right in front of you, could you look at it and tell your reflection you love yourself?

Some days I can, some days I can’t. It varies from day to day.

The days that you can, what drives you to say you can love yourself?

I honestly don’t know. Some days I look in the mirror and tell myself, “You’re doing your best”, or “You look nice today,” but it’s not every day I can say it.

Tell me something that you love about yourself?

That is a really hard question, I find it really hard to say positive things about myself. If I find something positive about myself, I often turn it into a negative. I don’t know if it’s something I love about myself, but it’s something I could be proud of. I have a really strong sense of survival and inner strength, and have been through some terrible situations where I don’t know how I’m going to pull through, but I always do. So, I’m very resourceful. I always find a way, and I that’s something to be proud of. Having said that, at the same time, sometimes I am so tired of battling. Tired of having to use that inner strength, that for a while I want things to just be easy, but that’s life. Life’s not like that; life’s not meant to be easy.

When you mention how tired you were at battling, did you ever in your mind feel you wanted to give up?

Many times, and I still feel like giving up on things. I work hard to better myself, and sometimes I think, “Don’t bother, you are who you are and what you are, so don’t try and better yourself or make something of yourself”.

What kind of activities do you enjoy doing, that make you happy?

Music – theatre music. I always have my headphones in. I’m a big reader; I read all the time. Not so much nowadays, but I used to be able to read a book in a couple of hours. I would read every day on the train and at night. I know I’m having a bad day when I can’t even pick up a book. I take German classes once a week in the city. It’s something I love, and gives me a focus and something to do. My classmates are great. I have a lot of fun, and we laugh a lot when we mistranslate things. It’s something I’m really proud of doing, as a year ago, I wouldn’t have even had the courage to go to these classes. I look at it and think, “Oh no, I can’t go to that, I’ll embarrass myself,” and so the fact that I mustered the courage to enrol and go every week has been a huge thing for me. It might not be huge for others, but it is for me. For someone who can be quite shy and socially anxious, it’s a big thing, and to do so in another language is incredibly huge. I really enjoy it, I’ve made friends with all my classmates, we have a lot of fun, and we have a great teacher. I now know how to insult people in German, which is going to be handy when I get there one day. It’s something I look forward to every week.

I also enjoy going to the football. I love my Melbourne Demons, even though they are shit half the time. As soon as the theme song comes on my social anxiety and self-consciousness goes out the window. I’m up out of my chair, screaming and yelling, and singing the song. I’m jumping up and down when they win. I love my football. I used to love dancing, I wasn’t very good but it was a lot of fun. I made lots of friends during my dance class, and it became like a family. It was just for one hour, and a couple of nights a week, I could just switch off everything when the music started. I didn’t have to worry if I was pulling the right moves, or how I looked, whether I looked stupid, I was just having fun with my friends. Unfortunately, I had to give that up, which caused a bit of depression. I felt like I found something I really enjoyed and loved and it was taken away from me. Would I find that happiness and enjoy that experience again? I couldn’t see my friends anymore, the friends I used to dance with, and the thing I used to love doing three to four times a week is gone.

What was the reason it was taken from you?

There were a few things, a mix of injury, and I just couldn’t afford to do the classes.

Do you fear loneliness?

Yes and no. That’s a very, very interesting question. Some days I feel very, very lonely, and I just want to go out with my friends and have fun and chat, other days I just want to be myself.

Would you be in a relationship with yourself?

That’s a really interesting question. Some days I think yes, because I am a really kind, caring person, and I give so much to others. Other days I think no, because I consider myself pretty boring, and I wouldn’t know the first thing about being a proper girlfriend.

Do you crave partnership?

In a sense, but no. I think I’ve reached a point in my life where marriage and kids isn’t for me, and that’s okay. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be, and I’m fine with that. I used to really crave having a boyfriend, and deep down I thought if I had a boyfriend, I would feel better about myself. I then realised that I was wanting/searching for it for the wrong reasons. I would go on all those dating sites, then realise I was doing it so I could feel better. I do like the idea of having someone, a special friend and dating.

There was a long, long time where I thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone to date, which I know isn’t true, but that’s just how I felt. Years and years of trying to date, and not getting far, not meeting anyone made me believe that. I felt I wasn’t good enough for anyone to date. Also, about 10 years ago, I had a housemate who would occasionally come into my room and try to force me to do things. I remember one night he told me “I’m only doing this to teach you, no guy’s going to want you cause you’re so fat and ugly”. That sentence really stuck with me, it’s easy to say oh it’s not true, he’s just an asshole, don’t believe it but as years went by and I just kept getting rejected that sentence kept coming back to me, and it became my belief, my reality. Each time I got rejected I’d think, “see, he was right”.

What was the turning point from holding onto the idea of finding someone to realising I’m happy and content just being by myself?

I really don’t know to be honest. I don’t know if I’m happy and content being myself, more like I think dating or a relationship just isn’t meant to happen for me. I think it was, “Could I be enough for someone?”; “Am I dating him for the right reasons?”; “Am I a good girlfriend?” Some days I think I would be a terrible girlfriend, I really would, and honestly, I don’t have any idea how to be one. There are so many other things I could focus my energy into, that for years I tried, and just kept getting rejected, and I got to the point where I thought, “Why am I forcing this? Am I forcing this to feel better about myself?” If I have a boyfriend, I will feel better, but that’s not necessarily the case, and if I meet someone, I want it to be right.

Are you concerned about rejection and does the idea of opening up about your mental illness with those your dating frighten you?

I’m worried I’ll be a burden or I’ll upset the other person. I think dating in general scares me. Even though it scares me, I would still want to be completely honest with that person.

What’s your experience been with mental illness in the workplace?

A negative and positive, unfortunately at my previous workplace. I think it made my mental illness and feelings of negativity and self-hatred a lot worse. My previous job was very clicky, bitchy and gossipy. If you weren’t part of the cool crowd, forget it. I always thought I was a good worker, helpful, a really good employee, always on time, rarely missed a day, yet I was overlooked for opportunities. I was never given chances, and I’d constantly ask my boss, “I’d really like to do more, I’d like to be involved in projects, and I’d like to move forward,” but instead, constantly got moved back. Instead, I saw other girls who were bitchy, rude and quite frankly lazy, getting opportunities. I felt horrible about myself. I felt like I had to be like them just to get somewhere. I felt like hard work meant nothing, and it wasn’t about how hard you worked, it was about how loud you were, and because I wasn’t in the in crowd, I wasn’t going to advance. Maybe that wasn’t the situation, maybe that’s just how I was perceiving it, but I just started to feel worse and worse about myself.

It got worse when one of the other girls left and I started helping out with her work. They told me they weren’t going to replace that girl, that I was going to be doing her work, in addition to my own, with no extra pay. Repeatedly going to my boss and saying “I’m so interested in opportunities, can I work on any projects?” and just being told, “Nah sorry, we haven’t got anything”, then seeing other girls get promotions and advancement was demoralising. The place had a very negative culture. Everywhere you turned would have closed doors, and people whispering in corridors. That didn’t make me feel very good. The whole place made me feel sick, and I think some people thought that just because I was the receptionist, they could treat me like dirt at the bottom of their shoe. I would be treated like a maid, cleaning up after people, and running around fixing things which was part of my role as a receptionist, but it got to a point where I thought and felt that was all I was worth. I would try and join in on conversations, and I’d see other girls going off to lunch together, and there I was just sitting at the desk. I remember once, I was sitting at the desk and two girls walked past and they stood at the door and they turned and looked at me and started whispering and giggling. They both looked at me again and walked out the door. Naturally, I thought they were laughing at me, and I could have been overacting, they could have been laughing at something else, but that’s just how I felt.

There would be times I tried to join in on conversations, and people would just talk over me, and I felt like nobody could hear me. It got to the point where people would come in and I’d say, “Oh good morning”, because I consider myself a friendly person, and I like to talk to everyone. And they would just stomp past me, without addressing me. I know it was a very negative place, and I shouldn’t have taken it so personally, but I took that on me, I thought there was something wrong with me. The only time they would talk to me was if they wanted me to clean up after them, or do all their shitty dishes. I felt so low about myself, and I actually tried to talk to my boss about some of my mental health issues. I really regret doing that, as I feel like she used it against me, and when I tried to talk to her about bullying, she just told me I was overreacting, and it was all in my mind. I feel like because I told her, I often felt lost, not so much now, but back then, I’d feel down sometimes, and she didn’t take any concerns I had seriously, and brushed them aside.

After 7 years of taking crap from everyone, I felt the lowest that I had about myself, and felt that if I didn’t get out of there, who knows what would have happened. I started to have suicidal thoughts because I felt so worthless and hated myself so much. I actually remember my boss telling me, “Why can’t you just be happy? Just be happy!” It was then that I looked at her, and thought , “I can’t talk to you about any of this”. I thought there was no point trying to talk to her, and I thought I’d never tell anyone or reach out to anybody about it ever again. I just put on a cheery face, smiled and pretended I was happy even though I was being treated like crap everyday, being ignored and excluded.

What was the breaking point for you to realise I can no longer be in this environment?

I’d wanted to leave for a long time, but the breaking point when I realised on day, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore, and something had to change for my own mental health. I think one of the breaking points was when I found myself cleaning mess from the microwave day after day, because as part of reception, it was part of my role to clean the kitchen every afternoon. One day I thought to myself, “What am I doing here?” I’d wanted to leave for many years, and would apply for many jobs, but wouldn’t hear back from anything or get anywhere. I would give up for a while, then try again a few months later, without any luck. I think I applied for over several hundred jobs during my time there. At one point, I thought “You’re not going to leave. You can’t do this ,and you’re not going to be anymore than this”. Being there every day, being treated like crap, being bullied, that’s all I was worth.

Walking away from that experience now, what would the message be if you could say something to your colleagues?

In all honesty, fuck you. I’m lucky I now work with two really great colleagues who are just as weird as I am. We spend a lot of time laughing, and I’m really lucky they have been really good for my mental health, and I can be myself with them. We can just talk about random stuff and shout out random things, which happens daily.

In going through that experience, do you feel it made you stronger?

It did, it made me very weak for a while, I hit my lowest point, but I think it definitely has made me stronger.

Why do you believe some people feel the need to be so callous when people choose to open up to them about their mental health issues?

I honestly don’t know. I think it’s different for each person. Maybe it’s not something they feel comfortable dealing with, not something they want to deal with, or not something they have an understanding of.

What do you think is essential to make a person happy and do you think happiness is easy to achieve or we make it more difficult than it should be?

I think it varies from person to person. What makes someone happy is individual for each person. I don’t think I could say what makes a person happy when I’m still trying to figure out what makes me happy. I think having an interest you really enjoy, supportive friends and family. Happiness is very unique and individual for each person. In my experience, I found in the past, I overcomplicated happiness. I’ve often thought if I had certain things, or achieved certain things, I’d be happier. Nowadays, those things don’t matter so much anymore. I’m learning to be happy with what I have, and am realising that I don’t need those things to make me happy.

Do you think reaching out to people has helped you?

It has, and it’s about raising awareness to other people as well. Helping people understand that, “Hey, I may not be so perky, happy and perfect all the time,  that’s because some days I don’t feel good”. I can still socialise, but if I’m not feeling great about myself, it’s weird if I socialise. Thought creep into my mind, like, “You’re not really joining in the conversation, you’re not contributing much, you’re boring”.

Do you think it’s harder for you to remain friends with those that don’t have a mental illness?

Not for me personally. I try to befriend everyone, which I guess, can also be my downfall. It really helps to have people who have experienced it and understand. It’s been beneficial for me, but I talk to everyone. I’m friends with everyone, or try to be.

Has that been a more positive or negative experience?

It’s been a mix of both. I’ve become friends with people I probably wouldn’t have, and I’ve met so many people from all walks of life, but at the same time, I’ve been laughed at and bullied. It goes both ways.

Do you find your mind is like a circus?

Absolutely. Some days, I feel like there are three clowns and a guy with a unicycle up there. It feels like chaos, there are so many jumbled thoughts, like someone juggling, then on other days, it’s empty and hollow. Some days, I think everything is going to work out, there is calmness, and everything is going to be okay. And on other days, I’m like “Hey, you’re not doing so bad after all, you’re doing alright”.

Do you think your mind can be your worst enemy or you can control these thoughts?

I’m not sure about controlling thoughts, I have tried, and most of the time I am okay arguing against those bad thoughts, but it is so tiring. On other days, you don’t want to argue with those thoughts because you are so exhausted. I think I can switch between being my own best friend and my own worst enemy. Some days I can feel really positive about myself, and I’m having more of those days lately but then other days, I hate myself.

Do you think these thoughts are triggered?

They can be triggered, but I think they can come out of my mind, or be in response to a situation I am going through. Certain situations I’ll think, “Alright, I can handle this, no problems,” and I do. Other days I handle the situation, but think poorly of myself. I think, “Oh, you’re in this mess again, why do you keep doing this?” But I know it’s not me, it’s just the situation at the moment. I’m working hard to change that.

You mentioned certain thoughts that are surrounded by the idea of failure, turn them around and picture yourself saying “I am good enough and I can achieve this”. Do the thoughts scare you?

It does a little because it’s not something I’m used to, but it’s also something I have been trying. Knowing that no matter how many times I don’t reach a goal, I want it so badly. I keep thinking about the goal, I refuse to give up on it, and believe I will make it happen. The fact that I can keep a roof over my head might not seem much to some people, but it’s a huge thing to me. No matter how bad things get sometimes, I always pull through. I always keep on top of my bills; I always manage to feed myself. I can do that, those are achievements, and to general society they don’t seem like achievements, they’re just regular aspects of living, but for me they are achievements. They might not mean a lot to people, but to me it’s something to be proud of.

Do you think you’re too hard on yourself?

I know I definitely am. I really am too hard on myself. It’s something I’ve learnt I need to change, and some days I’m able to say, “You’re doing the best that you can,” and on other days, I even pull myself up when I’m feeling crap about a situation. I’ll actually ask myself, “Did you do your best in this situation?” Some days I’m honest with myself and say, “No, you didn’t”. I try to keep myself in line, I guess. Absolutely, I can acknowledge when I feel I could have done more in a situation, and sometimes I find myself in bad situations, feeling horrible about myself. Then I have to be honest and think, “Well, what did I do to get myself in this situation? What can I do to get myself out?”. It’s that inner strength kicking in again, and knowing that I need to make changes within myself, as it’s something within my control.

Do you think the key in helping oneself is purely from the strength of you alone or a balance of both your support network and yourself?

A bit of both. It’s really important to be able to have a support network and people who encourage and believe in you. At the same time, a part of it has to come from within me.

What do you count as your support network?

Meetup groups, and a Facebook group I’m a part of called ‘Anxiety and Depression Association Victoria’. We are free to talk about anything, and I find it really helpful. I can just text the people I’ve met through the group to see how they are going. In saying that, at the same time I’m so happy to support everyone else, but am hesitant to reach out if I’m not doing so well, as I don’t like being a burden to people.

Do you think your mind is telling you, you are a burden? Or are there actions in the past to support that claim?

It’s mostly my mind. Everyone has stuff, so I don’t want to trouble them by dumping my stuff on them too. There have been times where I have tried to reach out to a few people, and unfortunately the support hasn’t been there. I feel like, and I know this wouldn’t be the case every time, that  everyone’s dealing with their own stuff, so I don’t want to hassle or burden people.

Do you think we are a selfish society in the sense we look out for ourselves before others, or is that just an excuse we use so we don’t have to deal with people’s feelings?

I think we all need to look after ourselves and make our care a priority. Some people are better than that than others. I know I certainly don’t make myself and my care a priority. I often feel like I give my heart and soul to others, but am scared to ask for that in return.

Are you afraid of achieving success?

In all honesty, I think so, but I know that’s something I need to change, because that fear is holding me back, and I don’t want it to.

What frightens you about it?

That I’ll fail again.

Failure has been mentioned several times in the interview, do you think it’s as simple as changing those thoughts or do you have to take other steps to break that mindset?

For a start, it’s about changing that thought, and I know that’s something I need to do and something I have been working on. Reminding myself that whenever I feel like a failure, I haven’t always failed. I have had successes in life, and achieved things. They may not seem as grand as everyone else’s achievements, but I have achieved things. It’s just about reminding myself of that. I quite like the idea of Narrative Therapy, which is something I learnt about years ago. It’s about creating one’s story, but changing the ending. I have a story about myself, and at the ending of the story, I always think I’m going to fail, or it’s going to go bad. It’s about changing the ending to your story, and believing I can achieve something or that it will go well, by recreating that story. Recreating the character that is myself, and how I see that character. I haven’t actually started it, it’s just a theory I learnt about when studying, and I was really drawn to it.

Why do you think it’s so much easier for us to seek feelings of failure rather than success?

I can’t speak for other people, but I know for me personally, due to past experiences, that’s what I’ve known, and not what I’m comfortable with, but what I’m used to. It’s just about changing that, telling myself I can do it, and reminding myself in various situations where I did do something.

Have you tried any other types of therapy and how did you find the experience?

I’ve tired just general counselling and the occasional therapy in my teens. The family therapy, I didn’t like, and it’s a bit hit and miss with the various counsellors I’ve been to. One was terrible, I felt she didn’t listen to me, and only wanted to talk about my family. I was there to talk about other issue, but she kept going back to the topic of my family. Which was fine, but I had other issues I wanted to explore. Whereas another one I’ve been to, he was great. I really enjoyed seeing him, he really helped me.

Do suffer from any other mental illness?

Not that I know of, or not that I’ve ever been diagnosed with.

Do you think there are enough resources out there for those struggling?

I think there are resources out there, but I think more conversations need to be had; it needs to be further in the public sphere. There are great online resources I’ve found useful, and I believe there are great counsellors out there. But unfortunately, counselling is quite expensive, and due to my situation, not something I can afford. I have been able to make use of counselling out of the mental health plan, through a doctor, but I could only get six sessions at the time. I think counselling needs to be made more accessible and affordable, but that’s just my situation. There are a number of great support groups out there and I’ve been lucky enough to find one, both in person and online.

How are you feeling?

Strangely calm and also slightly hungry.

*Name has been changed to maintain confidentiality