DEVA*, 30 Enigma

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

I haven’t even thought that far, to be honest. I was coming to meet you so I actually feel pretty good. I knew I was genuinely going to be interacting with someone. If I wasn’t doing this today, I’d probably be in my room just reading, to be honest.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?

It’s hard to say when it actually begins really. I guess for me when I started noticing I was maybe struggling with my psychology, I was maybe 21 or 22. Shortly after, I was in care for a little bit, not too long just two weeks as I had a really intense panic attack. I was going to a show, a gig I had to play, and I really didn’t want to do it. I was like “I’m not into this today, there’s no way I can do it”. I had all my gear with, this heavy stuff lugging it around, and I kind of blacked out for a bit. Before I knew it, I was in the hospital, taking me in an ambulance. I was in there for a week or two, really confused the whole time wondering why I was there. Couldn’t really speak to anyone that called me up about it, had a partner and my mother come in at the time try to speak to me.

I was very vacant, not really registering anything. One day I kind of snapped out of it and I called my partner and was like “I need to get out of here, I don’t know why I’m here at the moment. I feel fine, talking to everyone in here I realise some people are way worse off than me, I’m fully functioning. I just want to go”. Then after that I started seeing a lot of counsellors and psychologists just to speak about depression and anxiety and stuff like that. We started to work back and kind of try to get down to where that black out happened, I guess. I’m a bit lost, I don’t know it’s pretty tricky from there but that was what really kicked everything off. I’ve had to pay close attention to myself from there really.

What were you feeling and thinking during the panic attack? Did you notice any triggers beforehand?

There must have been a trigger otherwise I wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital. I don’t really remember or recall anything. I didn’t really feel inside myself, so to speak, as a human. Something was pushing or dragging me in a certain way and then all of a sudden, reality has collapsed in some way and I was being taken to the hospital to somewhere else.

How did you prepare for your gig and what does music mean to you?

At that point in time, I’ve learnt to let go of it a touch and to not put all your eggs in one basket but that’s how it used to be for me, constantly. That definitely built some kind of pressure around it, it wasn’t even a huge thing or anything. I just didn’t want anyone to be looking at me because you feel responsible for other people’s enjoyment and your own. I just couldn’t deal with the responsibility or the pressure I was putting on myself that day in particular.

What genre of music were you playing?

It was like psychedelic rock, I used to play bass a lot.

Have you had a panic attack since that gig?

Yeah, I have but I haven’t ended up in the hospital without remembering events in between the panic attack and being at the hospital the night I was.

How did you manage the recent panic attack?

I started to call people and said, “okay this thing has happened”. Generally, my friends have a good understanding of what that stuff is like because they’ve gone through it as well, for the most part. Yeah, I generally call people and get them if I need help with someone taking me somewhere. Back to a house or somewhere where I can be not entirely alone, but just with someone not doing anything ridiculous.

When do most of your panic attacks occur?

I really don’t know, it’s been so long it’s been years. At least two years maybe more.

When you saw the psychologist did he diagnose you with depression and anxiety?

I was actually diagnosed years before this when I was 19. I still found that it wasn’t a huge issue like high functioning depression so I was still continuing to do everything I did, all my creative stuff. I was in and out of school but that was my own decision, no depression effecting it. Yeah, I was diagnosed when I was 19 and then after all this stuff happened, I was diagnosed with borderline psychosis, depression and all this kind of stuff. The kind of scary thing about it is, they are dishing out medication without prescriptions at this place.

Were you unable to consent at the time for medication to be given?

From what I remember I was fully present and definitely able to consent. I just remember being handed stuff that wasn’t in packets, literally under the table from a draw. “Have these for the next week, try this and see how you go”. I was kind of confused at the time, this was my beginning experience seeing doctors and I had caseworkers about this kind of stuff. I kind of took it and I didn’t question it till a bit afterwards.

How do you think all the different types of medication you were given affected you mentally and physically?

I guess it made me question myself more then I think I wanted to. Monitoring myself or behaviour to the point that I felt that it wasn’t healthy like “I’ve taken this, how do I feel in twenty minutes?” It’s good to watch all this stuff but I think I became too obsessive trying to get an answer. You’re going back and their like “here have this instead for however many days. Did you sleep? Were you able to eat? What were you doing? What’s going on?” I don’t know, it was very chaotic from memories. I’m not taking anything anymore. Just to clarify, it was actually my caseworkers working with a psychiatrist. It was them together saying “maybe this”.

Did you feel you could trust them at the time?

I didn’t feel I could trust them at all but the thing was I didn’t have no one else at the time to really ask about this stuff. Although I didn’t trust them I still listened and to some extent take on board what advice they would give me.

From your own experience, do you find psychologists and psychiatrists are a stepping stone to improving your mental health?

I feel like I’m a bad person to ask this stuff to because I’ve only had one psychologist in my run of maybe 5 or 6 that I thought was okay at best. I have friends that find psychologists and counsellors really helpful. In my particular case, I’m just a bit tricky where I get to the point I don’t gel properly.

Did it ever get to the point the medication became an addiction?

I guess there are so many adverse effects to it that I never really felt like I was addicted to it.

What would you say was the worst effect you found from one of the medications?

I was given Seroquel for a little bit and I think they weren’t sure about a specific diagnosis and everything with me. Whatever strength the medication was, I would again lose weight way too much and I remember basically hallucinating with the medication. I would see a double of myself, mirrored as I tried to fall asleep. You know they were giving me this stuff to help me fall asleep and I was like “why is me looking at me? This isn’t right”.

It gave me this really weird, blackened kind of tunnel vision and that’s when I was like “why am I taking medication to feel worse at the moment?” That’s probably the worst I remember. Also trying to come of antidepressants, I was on those for a year or so. Maybe not so much coming off them but when I accidently missed a day, I become really shaky and feel intense surges of electricity running through the body and everything.

Being diagnosed with a number of different diagnosis’ from the people you thought you could trust, what do you truly believe you are diagnosed with?

I know I have issues with manic depression but apart from that I can’t see eye to eye with any other diagnosis.

Talk me through one of your worst experiences whilst going through manic depression?

It’s pretty hard to measure up because I’ve had normal days, it could be no different to this at the time. There’s nothing worse than whatever I’m feeling at the moment, it’s got nothing to do sometimes with external triggers, that’s how I feel anyways. I’m not this bad anymore, I’ve been okay for the past year. I used to not leave my room for four days and I’d just get some water or simple survival thing, a tiny snack. I wouldn’t leave my room for days on end not picking up my phone. At the same time, I would be content with it knowing that it’s not normal and not right, that kind of thing.

What do you think was the key for you getting out of the house?

Usually it was just this feeling of waking up to my senses. Just “hang on, you actually love all this stuff that exists in the world and are excited about these things and like all these people. What are you doing?” Being stuck in this hole you have no reason to be really. That’s it and you just snap out of it, no problems and you’re back to normal.

Are you fearful of the idea that your manic depression will keep you so isolated, you may never leave the house?

It’s been that in the past especially when I lived alone. I lived alone for a little bit maybe three months. It felt like years but I wanted that at the time, I chose that.

What were you feeling when you were in that head space?

I felt out of touch like I’d either feel so out of touch with the world and everything that happens with it or I’d feel too comfortable. Maybe that adds to being out of touch “do I really feel this comfortable just by myself everyday?”

How did you do to entertain yourself?

I’d read, write, and play music. I think that’s why I really liked it. I never felt uncomfortable at any time, you could just create without any distractions that was the best thing about it.

In a way, was it your own world?

Yeah, but after a while you find out you don’t want your own world all the time.

Have you ever felt lonely?

Yes lonely, but not alone. It’s pretty different, it’s hard to describe at the moment.

Almost in a way, you can have everyone around you but in your mind, you are still alone?

Yep, exactly.

You mentioned feeling okay these days, how would you describe everything that comes with that emotion? How do you know you’re on a healthier journey now?

I think I know because I can tell exactly when I’m starting to fall into that kind of hole again, I’m not being sucked in so much. I don’t know, it used to happen out of nowhere, all of a sudden everything seems blocked out and I’m not moving or leaving the room for days kind of thing. Now I’m like I can feel it, it’s a physical thing. It’s like “no, no, no I’m not going there” and I’ll just get outside, go walk my dog. Continue and push myself a lot more then I used to. Even if I have to force it and I feel like it’s not natural and it’s dishonest, I still do it.

Do you think can control the way your mind processes feelings these days or it can get out of control quite easily?

I’m a lot better now that I’ve gotten back into fitness and things. I guess as a kid I was really sporty, I was into all kinds of sports, running around outdoors. I never felt good inside. I had to be out, I had to be moving, I need to feel my heart pumping and get my heart rate up. Once I started getting myself back into that stuff, it actually probably helped a lot now that I feel a bit better. Once I started getting into that stuff, I started to feel a lot more in control.

Do you feel manic depression is a part of your identity?

Yeah, I do a bit. A bit too much for my liking at times. I want to separate myself from the diagnosis, I guess. When I look back on the last however many years, I can see it played a huge part in everything I’ve done. Definitely is a part of my identity.

From an outsider’s perspective, for a person who doesn’t live with a mental illness describe what a month would like for you?

This is tricky. My month, I would say, there would be a week and a half in which I am incredibly ambitions, social, productive and healthy even as far as my fitness and eating right. This isn’t the average month but sometimes the rest of that month will be the complete opposite. I won’t speak to anyone, see anyone. I won’t have any interest at all, at anything I’m good at or genuinely enjoy. Maybe self-destructive in a slight way, sometimes it seems slightly tempting to give everything up for no reason. You just have an aversion to not anything positive, just sometimes it’s because you’re numb and you don’t feel anything. You’d be like “why does any of this stuff matter? I’m not giving it any attention, I’m just going to pretend it almost doesn’t exist anyways”. That doesn’t happen very often, I may have two of those months a year.

In those moments when you want to give everything up, are you internally saying things to put yourself down or it’s more a quick reaction?

Yeah, it’s just that. It’s more that impulsive reaction to just doing that.

Can these decisions that are made due to quick reactions, have consequences?

Definitely but sometimes that’s the weird attraction and lure to it. Because of the numbness, you know there’s consequences or there will be consequences but you feel like they won’t affect you.

Would you say it’s like risk taking and what would these decisions consist of?

I would say there’s definitely risk to it. If you’re inclined to give anything up just for the sake of seeing what will happen afterwards. Well I’ve got a close partner, sometimes I might skip town and go to another city. Not come back for a while, I think about everything like that. I’ve had jobs I’ve just walked out of, given up half way through working on projects with people, stuff like that.

Do you feel guilty or believe it’s out of your control?

I tend to not blame myself not because I can’t control it but I feel like it’s coming from somewhere else. It’s not coming from your essence, I wouldn’t really want to be self-destructive. Do all these things that have negative consequences and all of that. At the time, it feels like it’s coming from elsewhere.

I’m curious, are the people you’ve walked out on during projects, are they still in your life?

These people, yeah of course. I think to me they can’t really see it or something, I don’t know.

Have you been open with them about the fact you may leave at any given time?

Oh yeah, of course. I’ve been very clear because I’ve had to be sometimes. When you come back to yourself you’re like “I’ve done this thing, I really wasn’t being myself at the time”. You have to be honest and really clear about it, generally people understand even if, there’s a bit of annoyance or something lingering.

Do you find your social circle consists more of people with a mental illness or those without?

Now that I think about it, I’d say more without.

Do you tend to seek out the personalities without a mental illness, or is it more of a natural thing?

Yeah, I don’t think I tend to naturally seek it out. My closer friends deal with similar things and that’s why we’re close. Still generally, most people in my life deal with some kind of generalised anxiety and that’s about it as far as I can think.

Has abandonment ever played a role in your life?

No, it hasn’t. I think it did a little as a kid because my dad left the country when I was really young to go back home and everything. I just learnt to be more independent from that and stronger. To see other people’s lives as separate, we all have our reasons for doing what we do. If someone needs to take off and do their own thing, that’s fine.

Do you have a relationship with your father now?

Yeah, it’s really good. We talk to each other every few days, thanks to things like the internet otherwise we probably wouldn’t speak so much at all. It might be years in between contact like it used to be when I was a teenager. Once a year, I would get a letter or a small package when it’s birthdays. Now if you’re bored, just pick up the phone and say “hello” whenever you want, it’s good.

How do you think your parents have shaped you as a character?

I don’t think they’ve shaped me much at all. I hold the same mannerisms that I’ve taken from my parents but as far as the more eccentric parts of my personality and everything goes, nothing like them.

Did you go through periods in your childhood and teenage years before you were diagnosed, when you realised mentally you weren’t feeling the best?

Yeah, I struggled pretty much all through high school. After the first two years of high school, it was going down. I didn’t think about it in terms of depression. My parents, well my mother, would get me to see the school counsellor and everything. I kind of didn’t understand what was happening. I’d be like “aww I have to talk to this other adult at lunch time, I’m not out talking to my friends for some reason”. I guess I’d talk to her and she’d ask me what my life was like at home with my family or how I was sleeping, why I wasn’t doing my school work, that kind of thing. There was definitely a time, mainly through high school, that I was struggling.

Did you have a close enough relationship with your parents where you could talk to them about what you were feeling?

Not particularly because I didn’t know what I was thinking at the time, you know. Especially when you’re really young, you’re just acting constantly. I think also at the time, I felt like it would bother my parents if I kept bringing it up, particularly my mother because she had her own issues at the time. A bit of alcoholism and had an alcoholic partner she was letting go of at the time. I didn’t want to be like “here’s all this other stuff from this thing you raised and is in the world with you”.

Have you ever felt victimised because of your mental illness?

The only times I ever felt victimised was my initial experiences with the caseworkers and counsellors, just in the way they would throw the medication at me like candy. Also, at times when I have tried to bring stuff up with family, have just been brushed off and felt like I was ignored at times.

Did you keep your feelings hidden consequently?

I did. I did around people and not to myself because I always make sure I have my creative outlets, so I don’t hold that so much inside. As far as with friends and family, yeah definitely I shied away from saying anything a lot of the time. That probably led to me living on my own for a while now that I think about it.

Do you resent them for that?

Definitely. Not to say I was holding it against them but still you have these thoughts in your head “I hate you for doing this, I’m not even asking for anything much, just listen. I’m not seeking out a long three-hour conversation”. Yeah, I definitely held some kind of resentment.

Why do you think people shut their ears to people voicing how they are feeling?

I guess it’s just really confronting a lot of the time. I think with my family and the question you asked for Thursday “how do you look after ourselves without burning out?” I chose that one because, with my family, when they don’t want to listen to things it’s because it’s really draining. It’s not because they don’t want to listen, help or don’t understand it can be really draining and you cannot know what to do. Which can be really confronting and confusing.

Do you feel the dynamic and relationship has changed because of that?

It hasn’t, the general dynamic hasn’t changed at all but I guess how I approach that dynamic or how I approach my family, in these regards, is different.

Talking about loved ones, does your mental illness ever take a toll on those relationships?

Yeah, it does with a loved one. It doesn’t so much with my family because we don’t see each other so much. Everyone has their jobs, their lives and their partners. We might see each other once every few weeks, if even. With my close partner, it does for sure. Sometimes, I’ll need days and days of self-care and I guess I’m too cautious. I like to be in a good mood when I’m with my partner or have plans to see them and everything. They get pretty upset if I’m constantly like “nah, I don’t want to go out or don’t want to go to this thing. I don’t feel like coming to your house, I’m comfortable and cosy here. I just want to stay in this bubble and I’m scared of breaking it”.

Do you feel you are letting that person down if you aren’t in a happy mood?

Yeah, I do. I know I’m not. I’m probably letting them down by not seeing them but that’s definitely where it comes from. I understand that’s a silly way to look at it.

How do you think your mental health affects intimacy?

It’s tricky with me, sometimes I can feel really, really affectionate and warm towards somebody physically. All of a sudden, I can’t be next to another human body. Recently that’s been a funny thing for me, it’s funny you ask that. I can be near somebody but I won’t want to be touched or held. I can’t sleep next to somebody and hear them breathing.

Is it all too much?

Yeah, it’s too much. Humanity is too much and you feel you’re mirrored in it sometimes. You’re trying to deal with something and I don’t know that person also really wanting something from you, if that’s physically or otherwise, can just be really overwhelming.

Do you find once you are ready for intimacy with a person again that people are open to it?

Generally, I’m pretty lucky that people are open to it. I can imagine that’s not the case for a lot of people.

Have you ever felt betrayed?

No.

What are your biggest fears?

Failure is the biggest fear for myself and probably most people, I think that’s true.

What is it about failure that terrifies you so much?

It scares me a lot because I’m really bad at recovering when I felt like I failed at something. It could potentially take years and I don’t like that heaviness lingering around.

Do you think failure is pivotal for our mental health?

Maybe not so much that, but it can drive you into achieving things.

Do you envy those without a mental illness?

No, not at all. Not in any way. Sometimes though, if someone is in your face super almost forced being positive about a lot of things that gets to me.

What is the worst thing you’ve had to take part in?

Being on the dole, all the appointments with the job centre.

What has been one experience you’ve given up that you regret?

Not that this can’t happen again, but half of my family don’t live in Australia and when I was younger, I had a good opportunity to spend a lot of time and live with them. Get to know the other side of my culture and everything. I got way too nervous about it so I really regret not doing that earlier. It can still happen in the future, I regret not doing it in the younger, spritely age.

What is one of your best and worst qualities about yourself?

I think one of my best qualities is I’m understanding and non-judgemental. I’m very comfortable with it. I’m don’t feel comfortable saying positive stuff about myself that way but that definitely I can be honest about. My worst probably genuinely because of the self-care stuff I can be unreliable. Because of that I’ve had trouble keeping jobs and in and out of school all that kind of thing.

When was the last time you felt proud of yourself?

I wrote a poem two weeks ago that I actually liked. I write on and off for the hell of it, just for fun for myself to please myself. Two weeks ago, I wrote something and I looked at it and I was like “that’s actually alright”. That was the last time.

What does self-awareness mean to you?

This is hard. In the simplest way to put it for myself, self-awareness to me is being conscious of when I know what is good and what is bad for myself.

Do you think we’ve moved forward in bringing awareness to mental health or moved backwards?

It’s hard to say, I hope we’re moving forward. I’ve been moving forward since I’ve dealt with my own stuff. In general, I’m not too sure.

It’s hard to speak for others with this next question but do you think everyone in the world to some degree, has a mental illness that just goes undiagnosed?

If you read through the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) you could probably say that. “You have this, you have this”. That’s a really good question. It’s hard to say people in general are kind of mad, how we operate our society no matter what we do. When you really look at it, everything seems a bit off.

In terms of experiences and self-development what would you like to do to improve your wellbeing

At the moment, I feel like I’ve had a positive run the last year. I just want to keep going. There’s nothing in particular I’m committed to as long as I can keep up the self-care mainly. I guess it comes down to asserting myself, I actually need some time to myself to do this thing or it’s going to go haywire. If I be more comfortable with asserting myself with that kind of stuff.

What are those things you are taking on?

As I said earlier, keep on top of fitness especially once a few things have healed. Eating right and staying in touch with family is important. Consistently not just “aww it’s been two months, I’ll call you and feel good about it”. Consistent, making sure you have a good, steady relationship.

How are you feeling now?

Now I feel really good, having said a lot of things. Also, a bit confused having gone back in time that I haven’t reached into, a lot’s actually coming up. There’s a lot to digest, I don’t know pictures and now I’m imagining family gatherings where I’ve sat with my head in my hands saying “ahhh like fuck this I’m going home, I’m sick of it”. Yeah, so stuff like that is coming back to me, it’s pretty interesting. Generally, I feel good.

*Name has been changed to maintain confidentiality