CHRIS, 30 Developer
Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.
How are you feeling?
I’m feeling alright. A little worried how I’m going to answer these questions, but nothing too major.
Can you tell me about your journey with mental health?
Always had issues with anxiety, my entire life, basically. It’s always been a problem with me, as a kid. I was always a pain in the ass, whether it was a family vacation or outings with friends, I’d work myself up so much to the point of vomiting just with anxiety, no matter how small the task was. Probably the worst case was when I was about to get a haircut, and we had to cancel the appointment because I threw up before even leaving the house because I was that anxious about it.
Was there a trigger for the anxiety, or did it just come on all of a sudden?
As far back as I can remember, it was always a thing. Prior to that, I have such little memory of being normal. I guess I would probably say it started somewhere around the age of 10, or slightly a bit older – closer to being a teenager, that’s when it kicked into overdrive. Attending school, my anxiety wasn’t so bad. It’s like what work is to me now: you go so often; it becomes a non-event. The moment you want to do something outside of that, however, such as friends wanting to go to the movies, it becomes a traumatic event, all of a sudden. I think I remember a school camp where I was sick every day. To talk more about traumatic events growing up, I had a friend in grade 3 who died in a car accident; and my grandmother had a heart attack, or something along those lines, on the Bring your grandparents to school Day, which thankfully, my best friend at the time, let my sister and I hang out with his grandparents while my grandma was taken to hospital. I always see myself as a very unlucky person. If something can go wrong, it usually goes wrong. It’s why I’m such a pessimistic person all the time, and cynical about everything.
From the age of ten to your twenties, were you aware of what anxiety was?
No, I don’t think I ever associated my problems with anxiety. It’s not something you think of as a kid. I just thought there was something physically wrong with me, something wrong with my stomach, physically, that made me feel this way. I didn’t know until I was much older, that this was the reason why I would be so sick all the time. I had seen psychologists/doctors before, and had medical check-ups, but they seemed to be all-clear, even though I still couldn’t get over this nauseous feeling whenever I left the house, or did anything outside of my comfort zone.
As the anxiety was quite prevalent by that stage, how was facing high school?
In high school things just escalated to being worse. I got way more introverted, and way more unwilling to do anything. My friends gave up on me, as I would knee jerk, and say no to whatever they asked me. I don’t blame them in the slightest. We also just grew apart by the end of VCE. We weren’t the friends we were at the start of high school. I have only spoken to one of them since then, and it was just a coincidence that we were on the train at the same time. I think my friends were aware that I had problems, but they weren’t sure how to deal with it, or didn’t understand. Only two of my friends really stepped up when my father died, when I was 16. The two of them came to the funeral and spent the day with me, so that was really nice of them. I’m always grateful they did that, but in terms of what else to say or do, what can you expect from a couple of 16-Year-old’s who haven’t lost a close family member before? They’re not going to know how to help you deal with it, when you don’t know yourself.
What keeps you happy?
I spend a lot of time on my computer at home, and not much has changed in that regard over the years. I’ve always been introverted; always been fine with doing things by myself, and that has carried on throughout my entire life. Hobbies such as video games are just a natural fit. I play games online with other people, but I’m still physically by myself, so in that regard, it’s still a solo experience. It is definitely a comfort thing for me. To be honest, I was playing games before you got here. I was getting worked up about this for some reason, so I was playing games to take my mind off things, and it helped. Anxiety is still a problem I deal with every day. There’s hardly a day where it isn’t some degree of an issue. Having been through seeing psychologists and being placed on anti-depressants, I have definitely come leaps and bounds, when it comes to personal growth and happiness. I get out a hell of a lot more than I used to, but it is still an issue I have to deal with every day, and it causes me to second guess what I’m doing, or to knee jerk tell people ‘no’ to events. I’m slowly pushing myself as much as I can to constantly do something at least once a week, and not let myself slip into these periods where I would go months at a time without leaving the house.
What was it that drove you to get out of the house? After years of being in that comfort zone, was there a trigger for you?
It wasn’t really my choice to be honest. My shaky background with my stepfather was not a good home environment, and eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t live in that house anymore, I had to leave. I didn’t feel I was ready. I was working towards being ready to leave, I just needed another 6 months before I’d be able to leave on my own terms, but it just hit a point where I couldn’t take it anymore, and so I left. It was a very negative experience, and I ended up staying with my sister for a few weeks until I found my current apartment. I was a complete wreck for the rest of the week while this happened, and the next day, I don’t think I said a word to anyone. I was beside myself, just staring at a wall, contemplating how all this could happen. I struggled even to eat anything, and had to force myself to do so. I remember my mind being blank, it was just nowhere at that point. I don’t remember much that night, I guess being lost would be the most accurate description. I had no concept of what was going on. I was lucky my sister and her partner at the time were there. They were extremely supportive of me and offered me a place to stay.
Was your sister your only support at that stage, or did you have other mechanisms?
My sister and my mother are always very supportive, though I never really confided in either of them. I felt like I was being a burden to them all the time, in that regard, whilst also adding to their own stresses, especially my mum. I always tried to mask as much as I could, I wouldn’t try to share or go out of my way to reach out to them. The only person I confided at any point was my best friend, who I’ve known for 11 years.
Referring to your stepfather, did you have any past traumatic experiences?
The reason I have a stepfather is because my father died when I was 16, which wasn’t just traumatic for me, but my whole family, my mother especially. She pretty much didn’t want to let my sister or I out of her sight, ever. That’s why, with my mum, I could get away with staying at home for a good couple of years without doing anything. My mum was happy just to have me there, she didn’t want me not near her. My stepfather never got me to any degree because he comes from this very blokey bloke background. He didn’t understand why I wasn’t out every Friday night getting smashed at the pub or into playing sports. That has never been me, ever. My mum was always fine with who I was, but he never understood, and that made it very difficult for us to ever relate to each other when we were so opposite in nature to one other. When I moved out, my mother still had a lot of trouble letting go. She’d text me constantly, but she’s eased off this past year. She’s less clingy, we catch up every so often, and we’re both less dependent on one another now.
Was there closeness between you & your dad?
It didn’t feel like the closest father & son relationship, but it was more because I was a teenager, and you go through that rebellious age where you hate your parents for no real reason. I think if he was alive today we would be good friends, as we had a lot in common, including interests and hobbies. We used to go fishing on weekends, which I haven’t done since he died. I do miss him a lot and wish he was still around. There’s nothing I can do about it, unfortunately.
Do you get more of your qualities from your Dad or your Mum?
I think physically Dad’s side. He was quiet as well, whereas my mum is more outgoing but self-sacrificing. I guess I’m a mix of both, which makes sense. I got the introverted side from my father, but the mannerisms/looks from my mother’s side.
Have you dealt with any other mental illness?
Yes, last year, when I finally worked up the courage to ask a friend of mine, at the time, whether she would go out with me, I got rejected, and that was incredibly difficult. I already had problems with self-worth & depression, so that was the triggering point for me hitting rock bottom to the extent where I just went home and cried myself to sleep for the rest of the day. I spent the next week locked in the house, phoned in sick for work, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. That eventually turned into self-harm, I was cutting myself and stuff like that. It wasn’t until I confessed to my best friend about what I was going through, and how I was feeling, that I was able to get some feedback about seeing a doctor and psychologist. The moment I told the doctor he put me on an anti-depressant and signed me up to see a psychologist once a week. After a week off work, returning was an awkward period, as it was summer time, and I was wearing jumpers to try to cover up my injuries. It seemed a lot easier than having people see it, and to have them ask questions or wonder things. I tried extremely hard not to let anyone besides my best friend know that side of me. I never told my family, and I have no intention of telling them now. It’s been a year since that point, I can’t imagine doing that now, it is not remotely possible. My self-worth is much higher than it was, and I feel like it was an idiotic thing to do, but at the time (I don’t know how to explain it), it gave me a lot of relief. You hit this rock bottom and it’s just this sense of calmness that self-harm brings. It’s an extraordinarily hard thing to explain to those who have never been in that situation.
At that point, did you feel like there was no way out?
I looked at it as: I’d only work up the guts to ask someone out every few years, and all I seemed to get was rejection. To get rejected means it’s going to be another few years being single, at which point, I’ll be 32 before I try again, and I’ll have failed, once again, to achieve what I wanted in life at that age. I don’t blame her for not feeling the same way I did. At the time then, I would have been a very difficult person to be with, so I don’t think she would have been up for the challenge. We were friends; we talked to each other every day. After that episode the dynamic of our friendship completely changed. We spoke to each other for a few more days afterwards, as she was obviously concerned, asking “How are you?”; “Are you alright?”, and I would respond with “Yeah I’m alright”, even though I was not coping with it at all. Eventually we stopped talking to each other, as nothing felt right about our friendship anymore.
Would you be in a relationship with yourself?
If I met someone who was like me, I guess I probably would, but I don’t know if it would be healthy. I feel like if I met someone like me, we would just get into a rut very quickly and very easily. We wouldn’t do anything, wouldn’t live life properly, as I’m someone who very much does nothing. I still force myself to do stuff, but if you have to force yourself, it’s not the same. I’ve always wanted to find someone who wants to travel and try new things, but is still understanding that sometimes I can’t handle doing that. I’d always be happy though, if I find that special someone. I’m more than willing to push myself to do anything for them, if they’re the right person.
Do you love yourself, why or why not?
No, because I don’t feel like I’m worth it in any way. I try to be a good person, that’s something I hold onto, but is there any real benefit to being my friend, or lover, or whatever? No. I never see much point to my life, for the most part, other than to be there for my friends and family; more so my mum than anyone else, definitely not myself that’s for sure.
As you’ve touched on seeing yourself with someone in the future, does the idea that you may end up alone scare you?
I’ve been alone all my life, so nothing would have changed at that point, but yes, it does scare me. My psychologist kept telling me I was getting too hung up on finding someone, and it will happen naturally, given enough time. I can’t help but feel I’m looking at every opportunity, thinking too much about small things, and over analysing anyone who shows any minute amount of interest in me.
Do you think you put up barriers to get close to people?
To some degree, as I said before, I mask it to try to avoid talking about it. I seem to have bad experiences whenever I try to ask someone out, or anything along those lines. It never helps when you have low self-esteem, and you ask someone out that you’ve liked for 9 months and get rejected. For me to even feel that I’m worth the time to even ask, I need to learn to deal with the rejection. You’re going to get rejected at some point in your life, that’s just something you have to deal with. Though when your self-esteem is so low, you’ve got to really prep yourself for it.
Do you try to hide your mental illness from your colleagues, and if so how come?
Absolutely, I don’t confide in anyone about this stuff, besides my two best friends & yourself. Those are the only people I talk to about any of this stuff. The closest I’ve mentioned to anyone at work, or pretty much anyone outside of that small network group, is my boss. I had to tell him I needed a week off work, coming off of anti-depressants, as I didn’t know how I’d handle that. I also had to take a week off when I was starting on them because I wasn’t dealing with anything well. I needed the time to really reflect on myself and see my psychologist. It’s a difficult topic to talk about, it’s not something you always want to share with everyone. Certainly, if you go to someone and say “I’m dealing with and having a lot of trouble with anxiety & depression”, you’ll probably get concern and people offering to help, but they won’t look at you the same way anymore. That’s how I see it. I want to keep up a persona of who I’d like to be, which I do quite well at work, but how I feel inside is quite different. I know people who say I’m quite introverted, though this past year, having seen a psychologist and been on anti-depressants, I’ve had co-workers come up to me and say I’ve changed so much over the last year.
What’s your biggest regret & the hardest lesson you’ve learnt?
After graduating from TAFE, I made the mistake of deciding I’ll take some time off. That turned into 7 years of doing absolutely nothing. Getting out of that 7-year rut was incredibly difficult. It’s clearly doable, but it’s not easy, not in the slightest. I don’t know if I would have been able to do it without the support of my family, both financially & emotionally, plus my friends as well. I’ve had some friends that are still in that rut, I keep in touch with some of them but not all of them. When I look at them, I could still very much be in that exact situation if I hadn’t gotten lucky, like a job offering through my sister’s boyfriend at the time, and helping hands from people around me, to drag me kicking & screaming into the world. I got there in the end, but as I’ve said before, I never feel like it was me who achieved that, I just got lucky. Being unemployed and getting out of that rut, and learning how to deal with that is one of the biggest hurdles. I really could not have done it without the help from people. Trying to do it alone is quite idiotic.
If you could go back to the past, would you change your mental health experience in anyway?
I feel like what I did to get where I am now, was the right call. I feel like I have slacked off a bit lately, and haven’t been pushing myself to go out as much, and haven’t been escalating it in anyway. Just going to the movies or pub once or twice a week for the past 5-6 months. I should really be trying to push myself harder on that. At the same time, I haven’t really felt much of a need to, and with my work responsibilities, it’s hard to find the time. I guess it’s a good thing not to have all this down time, and not to be sitting at home at all hours.
Do you feel like your mind has betrayed & let you down when you think of your experience with mental illness?
I like to think I’m a person of logic. I always like to draw it back to being a physical thing rather than an emotional thing. I don’t know if it’s possible to change, or if it’s just something I can control to some degree. I don’t think it will ever go away. To me it’s more of a physical and chemical thing that makes me who I am, rather than my mind betraying me.
How does your mental health affect your daily routine? Would you say it’s more positive than it was?
Well, I definitely have more friends now. I used to only have two. I have more than that, easily now. That’s from your work with the Meetup (Depression & Anxiety Timeout- Melbourne) & co-workers. I make friends with my co-workers. I just expanded my social circle because I get out there more and things just happen naturally. The psychology & mental preparation I do for events, and the forcing myself to always do things instead of running away, definitely helped me, I feel. Work has definitely also helped, I think. Having a 9-5 job gives you an excuse to get out of the house; it gives you purpose, and it distracts you. I think my biggest problem at the time I suffered the most anxiety, was when I was unemployed and not in any educational training. Sitting at home 7 days a week all day destroys your self-esteem. When you try to get out of that hole, it’s incredibly difficult. There’s things that are meant to be put in place to help, like Centrelink, but they don’t. They are absolutely terrible. It wasn’t until my stepfather forced me to get a part time job as a cleaner, that I eventually went back to University to get a real education and a real career going. Once again, he handled it really terribly getting me out there, but at the same time, I always wonder if that’s the kick up the ass I needed. Whether I would have done that if someone at home wasn’t making my life miserable, I’m not sure. I’ll probably never know the answer to that question, I guess. In some ways, I’m grateful that he did it, in other ways I hate him for it. I’m really on the fence about how I feel about my stepfather.
Do you think people are more understanding of mental illness now, than they were when you were a teenager?
Growing up in the 90’s, yes. There’s a lot more awareness nowadays, and you have some support groups. you can go on The internet is also a resource. There’s a lot more ways to get help out there. Whether they’re all good, definitely not. In my experience, there’s a lot of shithouse ones out there. ‘Beyond Blue’ wasn’t much help, it was just me venting and getting a generic motivational response back without much substance. So yes, there is more awareness, but is everything perfect? Absolutely not.
In terms of mental health awareness, what more can we be doing?
I feel like more physical programs is what’s really needed. When I went to ‘Beyond Blue’ it was just a faceless forum, regurgitating the same shit to you. There’s nothing personal about it, other than they inserted your name into something. It doesn’t mean anything at the end of the day. That’s why I gave up on it after a week. That’s why I feel like what you do with the Meetup groups is more useful; making those physical connections, meeting face to face, getting outside & doing things you wouldn’t usually do. I would still be sitting behind my computer like I do every other night, If I was still using ‘Beyond Blue’, and nothing else. I look forward to going out now, rather than dreading it. I still get anxiety with this stuff, but I find that once I’m there and I start talking, I’m fine. It is the fact that I can get there, instead of collapsing at home, afraid to step outside of my home. Having something that is a frequent thing, is what I feel people need to do, whether something like that exists or not for them. I was at the stage where I couldn’t leave the house, and was still living at home with my mum, when I first started trying to get back into the world. I started very small, with just a 5-minute walk around the block, I then expanded it to 30 minute walks, and then started walking the dog or going to the movies by myself, and it built up. By building it up, it helps ease you over time, instead of trying to jump into the deep end and panicking, and never wanting to try it again.
What are you most grateful for?
My family, definitely. Don’t know where I’d be without them. They’re always very supportive, my entire family that is, not just my immediate family, but also my aunts, uncles, cousins on my mum’s side. I guess technically on my dad’s side too. When my father died, I lost contact with them. It’s not that we hate each other or anything, it’s just that we stopped seeing each other. When my dad died, we had no reason to see each other anymore, and it was awkward. I feel like I should try and make contact with them, but it’s been so long.
What are some of your favourite memories?
Had a really fond Birthday party when I was a kid at ‘Timezone’ in Knox City. Family & friends, lots of people were there. It was my 10th Birthday party actually, and for some reason I wanted a big party, which was very unlike me. It was at ‘Timezone’ though, which I absolutely adored as a kid: 2 hours of playing whatever you want.
What is one or a number of things you are proud of?
I’m proud of my job, I take pride in my work.
Is there anything you would like to improve on in your life?
Relationships. As friends, women don’t scare me; intimacy is the real trouble for me. I feel like having someone there, to be supportive all the time, and be closer to me than just a friend will definitely help.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
I like to think I’ll have found someone at that point. Getting close to 30, which is horrible, that was really a problem for me. Last year, at 29, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t done half the things I wanted to do at that age. I had so many people tell me “You’re still young”, but I feel like I haven’t achieved much. I feel like I’m in this 5 or 6 Year constant lag behind where I should be in this life, which makes it difficult for me not to hate myself for it. To get back to the point though, 5 years from now, I would like to meet someone, further my career, be able to look positively upon my career, have kids be an option, and having been overseas to a country I want to see. Basically, to have done something with my life. I feel like I’m still at the start of my life, and haven’t achieved anything I can positively look back on. I have friends tell me “you have a good job, plus found your own place to live”, but I still don’t look at them much as achievements. I didn’t set out myself to do them personally, I got forced to do them by my stepfather. I didn’t step out and say “Yes, this is what I’m going to do”, so I can’t praise myself for it. I was put in a situation where I had no choice. I’m a capable person, and I did it, but I feel no sense of pride in what I did.
How are you feeling now?
So, compared to at the start, when I was feeling anxious, unsure of how I was going to go with this, it’s been fine. Nothing traumatic about this. It’s not difficult, it’s trying to put your thoughts together that’s the difficult part.