BUKKY, 24 Ambitious

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

I’m feeling alright, pretty positive today, pretty good.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health?

Oh god, it’s been a very, very rough one. Especially because it’s hard to talk about and I’m the kind of person that keeps things to myself, so that’s why it’s been very rough. From feeling very angry to feeling sad, on the other minute feeling happy and positive, but that doesn’t usually last long.

When do you believe all these feelings were initiated?

It all started when I left my home country. Leaving everything behind – my friends, parents, everything I had ever known, and coming over to Australia, and having to start over again. It was very hard, very intimidating meeting people with friends. It was very intimidating and very hard. Trying to communicate with other people so there were other things that impacted negatively on my mental health. That’s when it all started, I didn’t realise it would be a problem until it became a problem for me. It started affecting the way I see things, the way I see myself and the way I get through life every single day.

Were you by yourself when you came overseas?

My brother was already here and I had to come down by myself. So, it was just me basically and then I met him here.

At the beginning how did you navigate your way around and go about living by yourself?

At the beginning, I lived with my brother for 8 months. The first 2 months it was very exciting being in a new place, a different place it’s certainly different. Seeing beautiful buildings, living in a house with our own ensuite we don’t have to stroll down to the next city to use the bathroom, it’s very exciting. Until it stopped being exciting, I started to realise it could get really boring. It’s not just about seeing and doing all these things. Socialising, I started thinking about all these things my brother and I we don’t talk that much. He’s about 12 years older than I am. We perceive things differently, so that was a bigger issue and that’s how it all began.

How did it take a toll on you emotionally, when you started to notice those changes?

Oh lord, it was hard. I don’t even know how to start, it was like I was alone in this very big but yet small world. You know I really can’t explain, I don’t know how to explain myself because I don’t want to cry in front of everyone here.

Who was the first friend you made?

The first friend I made was my brother’s friend, a female. I didn’t make that my friend, my brother kind of pushed her to me. “This is my sister, take care of her”. She has been my friend since, then until now. It was different again due to my age gap, I couldn’t communicate properly with her I had issues. Before I came here my brother told me “you have to be strong, I have my own issues, I can’t deal with yours. You have to basically grow up”. I always wanted to impress him so I had to take things on for myself. So, she was the first friend in Australia and my only friend for 3 months.

Do you believe that was a stepping stone to start socialising and making friends?

In a way, it was kind of a stepping stone, but I just thought, I didn’t just go out there to make friends. I went on the internet and I googled “how to make friends?” This is something I was very good at doing when I was back home socialising with people. But here, it was different. I didn’t want to approach people it would seem very awkward. “Why is she talking to me?” you know, stuff like that. I just thought things cannot continue like this like she can’t be the only friend I have. I love to go out, I love to do things so I just went on the internet googled how to make friends? where to meet new people? and what to do?

That was just it, I think the Depression and Anxiety group which was your group was how it all started. It put me totally out there like this is it. I remember our first meeting and I didn’t want to be too awkward but ended up being awkward. I had to shake everyone’s hand, I don’t know if you remember that day. I think I shook about 15 people on that day but I really felt good afterwards. It was a very good feeling, I just thought this is how it’s going to start, that’s how it started.

Looking back on that experience, did you feel proud of yourself?

Oh yes, it was a major accomplishment. Meeting people I’ve never seen before, met before. For the first time, I’m being true with them, they understood me I could get them as well. They were very welcoming like I’ve known them for a while. There were so many icebreaker activities, games, board games so it really helped. Because I don’t want to meet people for the first time and get into this whole long conversation so all these little activities that we had, it was like a warm up for me. Instead of having to think of a conversation and how to keep it going.

Did you have a goal that you wanted to accomplish when coming to Australia?

Oh yes, I did actually. When I was in my country I was studying civil engineering and working as an arc welder. I was also a roller skater, I won the state championship in roller skating. So, I had this big dream of what I wanted to do but because I’m a women and female all these kinds of things my mama used to say to me “civil engineering is not for women, when you go overseas please try to do something else. Arc welding is not for women try to do something else, roller skating who knows what that is? That won’t get you the best job in the world”.

So that was kind of discouraging because when I came here I had that mindset I had to do something else. So, I started thinking in line of doing nursing and that was how it started. When I arrived here, I had to start to think how ladies think or how I thought ladies think. That’s how my journey with nursing started. That was another thing, I didn’t know where to go for roller skating. If there were any skating rinks, I googled a couple of places but I couldn’t get there myself because I was new to the area. That was how I gave up skating.

Do you hold resentment towards your mum for disheartening your dreams?

No, I don’t actually because I haven’t got a lot of people in my life so I can’t dislike or hate anyone. I love her anyways, we fought. Oh, she was crazy, we fought so many times but she loved me nevertheless, and I loved her too. I grew up with my grandma, I met my mum in 1999. We were friends, I didn’t call her mum, I used to call her auntie, that’s what I called her. We are kind of like sisters, we have our good days and bad days. I didn’t dislike her for any reasons.

When you met your mum in 1999, what was the first question you asked her around the subject of why it took so long to meet her?

I didn’t ask her why it had taken so long because I had everything I had wanted. My grandma was there, she was like my mum. My grandpa was there. My mum used to send me gifts from overseas, so she was always there in my heart. She spoilt me even though she wasn’t there. Sent me everything I needed, I was different from the other kids in the neighbourhood. I had new clothes all the time, I was like the King Kong of my area. Even though she wasn’t there, she was there anyway.

Living in Australia now, what do you notice are the main cultural differences?

Main thing is how people interact with others. Socialising is very different, here you get on a train and everyone is minding their own business. It’s totally different with others back home, you get on a train and everyone in that carriage is your best friend. You get a chat, you don’t see a lot of people bringing out their phones. I didn’t have my first phone until I turned 20. Things like that, impact on the way we socialise. Apart from that, there just the main things about here and home. Lots of opportunities here, you can work and study. Here I have a car I never thought I’d have one. Heaps of opportunities, support, there are so many things that can help you positively to achieve your goals. I haven’t really experienced gender discrimination here which we experience a lot of back home. Where women are almost equal to nothing, I think it’s changing now, but yeah, that’s about it.

Do you miss home?

Every single day, but I just want to visit home and come back, because here, I have more opportunity to move forward with my life. There are memories, I miss home every single day, my friends, my grandma. I visited home in December 2016 and it was like I never left. I went skating and it wasn’t as good, I wasn’t as good, but they still gave me that respect, which meant a lot to me. I miss home every single day, it’s different how I communicate with people at home. Speaking my language, right now, I’m not so good at speaking my language anymore because I don’t speak it very often. I miss home every single day of my life.

Can you talk to me about the highs and lows of your moods?

Yes, I can. I get angry a lot. Sometimes I don’t show it, but I easily get angry. I can feel sad a lot for no reason, but sometimes I haven’t had a chance to do what I want to do or am supposed to. I feel like I’m stuck behind. I go on Facebook and my friends they are much different. I hate on myself a lot for that. Sometimes I think of my family and I cry, it makes me sad for no reason. I don’t know why, sometimes I try to find out why, why I feel sad, but I don’t know why. Especially when I see other people with their family.

“Why can’t I have that? Why does my world have to be different? Why do they have what they have? Why can’t I have what they have?” Things like that make me feel sad and sometimes I just feel sad. I don’t talk about it much because I don’t want my friends to think, “Stop being a drama queen”. I hate when I get called that. That’s something my brother used to call me, a drama queen, and I hate it. I try to avoid it, I try to be strong, but sometimes it’s hard to be strong.

This craving for a family, do you miss the physical presence of those from home?

Not just that, if I could call my mum today and have a good chat, that would make me feel so good. Mum is no more, so sometimes when I think about that it hurts. “Why did I have to come here? Why didn’t I spend as much time as I could with her, before it happened?” My dad didn’t want my brother and I so I think, “Why does he get to choose the kids he has today and not us? What’s wrong with us?” My brother is super smart, he’s a very smart guy and is doing well, so what has he done wrong? I’m hurt, why doesn’t he want me? I don’t know. Why did mum have to leave so early?” All these things come into my mind.
Sometimes I think that because I’m studying nursing, I know a lot about the human body.

I think about how we could improve peoples’ quality of life, and that was just what my mum needed. It could have been easily preventable, and I beat myself up about that as well, and all of these things just come together. I just beat myself apart, and I don’t know why. It’s not like anything’s going to change, I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I just cannot explain it. You can’t really change things that have already happened. “Why do people get to have what they have right now? Why do their lives have to be so perfect, but not mine?” sometimes it makes me hate on other people, like, “Why do they get to have what they have but not me?” But then I think of all the people who don’t have as much as I do. What would they be thinking about me? That thought makes me feel better about myself.

Do you fear these thoughts?

I do, especially when I’m driving. In 2015, I was having all of these thoughts and I was driving, and at some point, I felt like I could not control it anymore. I had all these thoughts in my head, telling me I could put an end to this right now. Sometimes when I’m really angry I take a long, long drive. That day I was just driving along the west gate bridge, and all of these thoughts came into my head. I was like “You could end all of this now by driving your car off the west gate bridge”. When I had that thought it felt so good, it felt like I had finally found a solution, this peace of mind.

Then something struck me, this kind of Bukky thing, “Think about your grandma, she’s the best thing in your life. What would happen to her? What would be the result of this?” I kept thinking, “What about your brother? What about your friends?” By the time I was finished reassessing these thoughts, I was already off the west gate bridge. I just pulled over, and was like “Oh my god, what just happened?” What just happened was so overwhelming, I couldn’t drive. I was so scared. I crashed in my car that night, slept in my car, and the next day, I was like “I’m alive, I’m still alive”. It was the first time I felt very happy being alive. Oh my god, that felt so good.

Do you think the thought of your grandma in that moment was your subconscious mind making you aware you truly wanted to live?

All I needed then was one reason why I deserved to live. I don’t know why I thought I deserved to live, I don’t know why I thought that, but that thought just came in. It was like me trying to help me and another me, not trying to help me. I can’t explain it, but just that one thought solved a lot of problems. It was probably me wanting to live, but that particular day feeling like I didn’t want to.

Have you had suicidal thoughts since then?

Yeah, I have but not since this year. Since this year I’ve been pretty positive, I’ve enjoyed it a lot. I’ve been really open about things. Let’s just say I just take one day at a time, and pretend this is it. One good thing about me is that I know I can be happy. Oh my god, I can be really happy. I try to extend that happiness when one reason comes when I shouldn’t be happy, I watch a movie, listen to a song or call a friend. I have this friend, she knows everything about me, so I just call her and she tells me things I want to hear, and things I don’t want to hear. Not in a nice way, well, she says it in her own way. Sometimes when I have these thoughts and issues she says, “You bastard”.

She starts to tell me all these things like, “You’re such an idiot”, stuff like that. I end up laughing before we finish our call, and she’s at my door and always tells me, “You know it’s very expensive to transport a dead person back home, I don’t have much money for a funeral right now”. She’s always like “It’s not that I don’t want to save you, it’s just that I don’t have that budget”. So, I think having that one person in your life who understands you. I don’t like it when people feel sorry for me. She doesn’t, hell, I feel sorry for her. She doesn’t feel sorry for me, and I like it. She’s tough, but in a loving way. It’s just been hard.

On reflection, looking back, if you stayed in Nigeria do you think you would have grown?

No, I wouldn’t have. That’s one thing I know for sure, over there, there are so many limitations. If I tried a lot, I would have had connections, and probably and grown a little bit. That’s one thing about coming to Australia, I became very independent. When I turned 20 I did my own thing. I used to be scared that when I grew up, who would employ someone like me? Would I be able to cook? Would I be able to pay my rent? all these things about being grown up which I would not have been able to achieve.

I went home in December 2016 and I met a lot of my aunties, and I think I was doing really good. I looked at myself and went “Bukky, shut up you’re doing really good”, that’s what I thought. Genuinely, from that, I don’t think I would have gotten very far. I wouldn’t lie to myself, I thought I would lie but I think this is the best choice coming over here. This is the best choice my family made for me, and I think I took it a bit hard. It is still hard sometimes.

What’s been the most challenging experience you’ve found living in Australia?

Meeting new people, making friends, starting a conversation and knowing what to say in a conversation and not being awkward. That was the most challenging and like I said I love to go out. My life is all about going out, not going out, out just adventures, hanging out with a bunch of friends because that’s all I’ve ever known. I grew up in a compound so it was three whole generations so the house was always full and sleeps about 42 in the compound. I was never used to having time alone, so when I came here all I sudden I felt like “omg this is it”. Yeah, I found that challenging. I used to be scared I couldn’t take of myself but that was me lying to myself. Not really lying to myself but putting myself down.

Now I try and stay positive and when I feel like I’m lost, I go on YouTube and watch motivational videos and speeches. You will not believe the impact it has on my life. I listen and watch a lot of motivational videos and just having that one person who has everything I want to hear. That’s just what I want, I just want someone to tell me it’s okay sometimes it’s hard to tell myself it’s okay. Another challenging thing is trying to live up to other people’s expectations. Everyone at home is like “Now you’re overseas, you have greater opportunities”. The expectation rises and me trying to meet those expectations. Trying to be that person that they want me to be, trying to be that very successful person. Thankfully it doesn’t happen that often but they don’t really understand I feel this whole pressure but now I’m just trying to take it one step at a time. It doesn’t happen very often.

Do you fear the idea of failing yourself or failing others?

I’m not scared of failing myself, really, because I’m pretty easy. I live my life. How I want to live for my life is it’s the last day, be happy. I’m scared of failing my brother, my grandma, my uncle, my cousins and my aunties from home. My brother used to tell me that when I came over to Australia my grandma and uncle paid my school fees for the first semester. The rest I have to do myself, and I spoke to my brother about it and he said, “Well, if education was important to you or if being successful was important to you, our parents would have seen you through school or your education”.

Just like they did for him, he went to Victoria University. Had all this good stuff, computer engineering. Oh god, he put me down a lot, but this was his own way of trying to push me, but personally I think he did it in the wrong way because it really impacted me. Oh my god, he was so confident, yeah it just went from top to bottom. Every single day of my life, I try to not disappoint him because his like my family, so I’m scared of disappointing him, certainly not myself. I don’t care if I disappoint myself, I just want to live up to his expectations, which I think I’m doing pretty good.

Have you had a chance to tell him that his words can often be hurtful?

No, because I’m scared of him. I really am scared of my brother and I really don’t want him to call me a drama queen. I’d rather die than hear those words come out of his mouth. “Drama” and “queen”, oh my god. No, I haven’t spoken to him about it.

Do you often get overwhelmed by how scary it can be for an international person coming here?

Oh yes, not just overwhelmed but I worry for them constantly. Especially internationals that come here on their own, I worry for them. I can remember when my brother came here on his own, that was in 2006. He rung every single day, I was very young but I heard him speaking to my grandma on the phone. My mum was not there anymore she stayed with us for 2 months and then travelled back again. It was my grandma all the way and I’d hear him cry on the phone.

There was one time I could hear him say “Ma, I want to come back” and grandma was like “you can’t, it means so much for you to be there, that’s the best thing for you”. That’s why I don’t blame him for anything I feel like his been through all of this and his trying to make sure I don’t go through the same thing. His approach is the problem because he as an issue with communication and that’s his biggest problem. I do feel worried for internationals mostly the ones who come here on their own.

Do you believe you are a stronger person having taken on work, study and coming here by yourself?

I’m not hard on myself anymore, I feel more value for myself. I hold myself highly, I feel like I’m a very important person. After certain steps, I didn’t think I’d be able to succeed in a majority of things. Succeeding in those steps made me believe that, there is nothing to fear then I questioned myself, “Why were you scared in the first place?” It’s like I’ve been holding myself back. I told you I used to be so scared I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself. Well, now I take care of myself, and I even have my uncle’s daughter on a scholarship.

I’m taking care of myself and I’m taking care of someone else. I’m doing really good, so the question I ask myself is “Why was I scared? Who am I scared of?” I try to understand where I was coming from before and why I was scared and what made me feel scared before. I try to tackle it and it’s really easy, I’m so confident right now. All those things that I see, that issue with communication which I’m still dealing with, I don’t see it as a big issue or a big problem right now.

Do you love yourself?

Girl, I love myself. If you had asked me that question a year ago, I would tell you no. Every now and then, I feel like I don’t love myself but then I imagine what if I didn’t have this thing? What if I didn’t have anything? I imagine things that I have done. It makes me love myself. I can live here, I hear things, I can see these are some of the things I take for granted. I didn’t achieve all of these by myself, I think my job actually helped me. Working in aged care, working with people with disability these things always come into my mind. To be honest my work saved me, that’s why I can’t get mad at my mum. She pushed me towards this nursing and it saved me. To think I hadn’t gone into nursing, all these other people going to work and interacting. Meeting people outside of work it saved me. Then I’m like, “It’s not as bad as I thought”.

I didn’t think I’d live past 2016, I didn’t think that at all because I got so scared of driving. Every single day I got in my car, oh my god, I felt like a hazard on the road. I always had these thoughts and once there was this Beyond Blue and I had to call the number. The lady she was so beautiful, I didn’t think I’d be one of the people dialling those numbers. It can happen to anybody, that was one of the first times it had gotten so bad. Something I’m embarrassed about saying, I slowly started to use drugs. It set me back, oh my god, I thought it was a way to escape from my problems but once I’m out, I feel the effect of whatever it is, and back to where I stopped.

Then I did so many drugs that I got suspended from work, which was the actual thing that was saving me, which gave me a reason to live. I don’t know how I was able to get to 2017 sometimes I ask myself, “How did I get to 2017?” I can’t believe I’m sitting here talking about it. I’ve been waiting for this opportunity to talk about myself and have someone listen. I still don’t know how, listening to motivational videos and this one lady I spoke to at Beyond Blue got me through 2017.

In terms of the drugs, do you think they numbed your feelings or had a more risk-taking effect?

It all started with smoking weed because each time I got so stoned I fell asleep. When I was awoken, I would fall asleep from let’s say, I had a short shift, so I would already come home and get so stoned. I would fall asleep right there, wherever I was until the next day. At some point, I wasn’t feeling dizzy anymore and I was like, “Why don’t I just inhale this in small amounts?” it will help me escape from reality, it was like reality was too much.

Did you not want to exist in that moment?

Oh yes, I wanted the easiest way out. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, I just didn’t want to live. Sometimes I didn’t know why, 50% of the time I didn’t know why I felt that way. That was an important thing. Why did I feel this way? How do I solve this problem? It was a problem for me, not knowing how to talk about it. In Africa, they believe all of these problems is a white man’s business, not black man’s business. That’s a huge issue believing that mental health and going through something like this they don’t particularly understand. You’re not able to talk about it, sometimes I feel depressed, really depressed and I can’t talk about it.

Sometimes I talk to Africans and they are like, “Girl, what are you talking about? Seriously.” I have a friend who will ask me a question like, “When you were in Africa, did you know what depression was?” I’d reply, “No”. She’d say, “Now, look for a white friend, and pass that shit onto her.” You know, oh my god. I had a chat with someone last week and there was a girl crying, someone said to me, “Oh, she’s just depressed”. Really? Just? That word alone, I feel if someone said that to me that personality alone would make me want to jump out the window, bye.

It’s just people don’t understand, you can’t talk about it. I’ll tell you something it wasn’t just that, of not being able to talk about it, that was just one. I’m sure you don’t know that I’m not straight. Oh my god, dealing with that again. My friend she’s been really good but when I brought that up she was like “okay Bukky, you are your own problem”. That’s what she said to me, “this one now is a bit too much for me”. It doesn’t make sense so I felt like I wasn’t the only problem I had people also around me. Still she was the best option I had, still I don’t know how I made it to 2017. I’m here and I feel really good about myself.

Afterwards, when you’ve had time to reflect, can you understand that dismissive response, says more about their character then it does about yours?

When it comes to my mental health and all of that stuff, I’m very positive about myself. When it comes to issues about my sexuality I’m still anxious. Today my brother doesn’t really talk to me much only when he needs something or he needs to check in. If someone calls from home and says, “how’s your sister doing, we haven’t heard from her?” he’ll text me and ask “yo, just checking if you’re still alive?” Although that’s a joke for him but for me it’s not. Like I said, I stayed with him for 8 months. That’s the reason I stayed with him for only eight months because he found out I wasn’t straight. It was so uncomfortable, that I had to move out. I was 20, I was scared and I was new to Australia.

When it comes to your sexuality are you proud and comfortable?

Not really, I still have doubts. Sometimes my friends will see me and their like “nah she’s not into ladies”. I’ve always stuck by her, she’s like my best friend. She means a lot to me but she doesn’t know that. For her I know she’s willing to accept that and her willing to accept that means, I’m willing to accept myself. It shouldn’t be that way and I understand, I’m still dealing with that. So, no it’s not that I don’t feel proud of myself, I do feel proud of myself, it’s pushing myself. Like why? How did this happen? Stuff like that and I don’t know it happened. I talk to myself and I still tell myself “I don’t know”.

Do you feel a responsibility to look after your brother?

Yes, I feel a responsibility. Not with everything, he’s getting married next month, so with his wife, that’s not a problem. I just don’t want him to harass me, make him feel embarrassed or when his with his peers and with his friends, when they bring up the issue of his sister is gay. It will drive him crazy, I don’t want him to feel that way. I just want him to be proud of me, so when I see him I try not to bring it up. Two months ago, I met this awesome girl and we’ve been dating. She’s always like “I want to meet your family”. But we can’t really, it’s not like I don’t want her to meet him. I don’t want him to feel disappointed. He feels responsible for me so I just want him to feel proud of me.

If she/anyone played a bigger role in your life, where you moved in together, told each other you love one another etc. would you ever break that barrier and introduce them to your brother, for the sake of your happiness, regardless of how he feels?

When I think of my brother and the word gay, they just don’t go together. Before I came to you, I was having a chat with my auntie and she was like “just in case you’re trying to tell me something, forget it I saw a girl on your Facebook. Don’t think I’m stupid, I know. I’m still mad at you for not calling but it’s totally cool with me.” I was like “oo, okay”. If it was my brother that said it he wouldn’t have been able to. So, I don’t know if I’ll be able to ever get to that point where I’ll be able to bring up my sexuality with him.

How do you find managing your mental health and seeing somebody at the same time?

Being in a relationship makes me feel loved. I’ll be honest with you, as of today I’ve been thinking, I haven’t felt so bored to feel sad since meeting Ann. She’s brought happiness back into my life because we both understand each other. I thought I was crazy but she’s crazy. I don’t have much time in my mind to think negative things, either I’m at work or doing something school related or at her house. Although sometimes I do feel down, for the past two months I haven’t felt down. I remember not so long ago, I would sit down at the back of my house and cry. This was not long ago but it was just today, it hit me that I was going through messages and I thought I haven’t felt that sad.

Do you think intimacy plays a role in your mental health?

Yes, like we just need that one person who gives you that one long hug. I don’t know about other people but being hugged by the right person, not just anyone. Don’t come near me, stranger. There’s just something about being held right, that feeling by some random stranger and it can be the right person. It doesn’t have to be your friend, just that right person. There was a time I went out with a friend to some random BBQ, I don’t know why there was just food. This girl was like “come here, come here”. I was like “okay girl, but I’m just here to eat. I hope you know that”. She just hugged me it was a long ass hug, it was better than the food. Nothing beats food in my life, but it beat food. Sometimes holding hands, it’s non-verbal. “I got you. You’re not falling, I got you. You’re not drowning, I got you”. It does play a positive, if you are being held by the right person.

What’s been the lowest point in your life so far?

Thinking about my mum because sometimes I feel like I’m one of the reasons she passed. I’m usually at my lowest point, when I think of myself not having much. It weighs me down a lot, when I go on Facebook and stalk my high school classmates, I’m at my lowest. When I think of home, not all the time but a lot of times when I’m alone. All these thoughts just start getting into my head, out of nowhere. They just start getting in and sometimes I want to be like “alright, shut up now”. Sometimes I am at my lowest point.

Have you ever spoken to a psychologist or psychiatrist before?

No, I haven’t.

Does it scare you to voice your feelings to one?

It doesn’t scare me, but I don’t know. I feel like they have better issues to handle than mine. I feel like they can handle other brothers and sisters.

When do you feel most out of control?

Still, when I’m alone. I know it feels impossible, but it’s the reason I have two jobs, so I’m never alone. If I spend the whole day at home, oh god, god help me. I just lie in bed and start thinking things, I shouldn’t be. Especially about my mum, some days I think my mum haunts me. I’m always thinking about her. The sad thing is, I think about the times she was sick for a long time, which was the memories I had of her. When she was healthy and all that, she was away. Although she was sending stuff and all that, it was when she was feeling weak and stuff she came back home and actually spent time and those are the memories I have of her. Of her crying, waking up in the middle of the night in pain.

A lot of times it’s not like here, if someone’s really sick you just call an ambulance when there’s an emergency. With this you have to, you are the ambulance. You get that patient to the hospital and then you have to battle with the hospital because they have to accept that person. All these memories, I remember my mum there was a time when my mum she was so sick. She was crying and she looked at me and she asked me “Am I still beautiful?” Oh god, honestly, she wasn’t looking her best. I didn’t tell her she was still beautiful, I didn’t tell her she was looking her best, I just told her some lovely stuff. Guess what? She was so proud of my brother and me.

She used to tell us her greatest achievements was to look at me and stuff like that. She would smile but only for a short time because she was in a lot of pain. All of these memories, they keep coming into my head. If I’m not thinking about that, I think of the times we were fighting, we fought so much. We ended up being close friends, we got really close when she was sick, she lost all her friends literally, all of her friends. She lost all of her possessions she was just a human being waiting to die, that’s how she used to describe herself.

What’s one thing you cherish the most, that your mum said to you?

She calls me Bukky, only name she calls me. She always told me I was beautiful. “You’re very beautiful”. Sometimes when she says that she would say “When I was your age, I was more beautiful”. My mama never gives compliments so when she does, you better believe that. She used to tell me that and it would make me feel better about myself. She used to tell me I was “smart and intelligent”. That’s what she said to me. We used to do crazy things together, oh we used to drive people crazy together. I was like her back up, when she does something wrong I was like “alright”. She’d ask me to take care of that and it made me feel close with her. She used to tell me a lot of things she wouldn’t tell anyone, secrets.

You know, things she’s done wrong “I think I just did this wrong, can you fix it”. When I think about that, it cheers me up. It wouldn’t happen very often because most of the time, she was usually in pain. I can remember there was this one time she was lying in a hospital bed and they needed blood. I was like, “Okay what do we do?” They got so much blood from me, so much blood I was so weak. At one point, I was lying beside her they didn’t even check my blood type and compare it to my mum’s one. They took so much I was feeling down and she was sick. That’s what she did to me and we just laughed. That’s the things I remember of her, her best moments were when she was sick and her worst moments when she was sick. She had a good sense of humour made fun out of everything, every single thing.

Do you think you get most of your traits from her?

If I got half her personality, I’d be lucky. She was different, that’s why I regret not spending a lot of time with her or why she didn’t spend a lot of time with me. But she always used to tell me it was for the best.

Do you think a part of you chose nursing because she inspired you?

Actually, I picked nursing because it was something that would suit a woman. Then when I did nursing and wanting to study, going through certain nursing doing different things. Thinking about how I could have been there for her, thinking about her quality of life, is what kept me going through nursing. I see these things every single day and trust me it’s happening here. I deal with that but then it makes me feel, if I had known half of the things I know today education wise, it would have been preventable, totally preventable. She was part of my inspiration without pushing me to nursing.

Have you ever wanted to know your father?

He passed away as well before mum. We were never close, I met him twice. First time I met him I knew I was very young, I don’t know why I remember that. Some memories from when I was so young around 6 years old, that day he was talking to my mum. My mum kept referring to him as “Solomon”. I knew that was his name, my mum used to tell me, if I didn’t shake his hand properly I’d have to call him “my dad, you’re my dad”. We kind of looked a like a little bit. The second time I met him, he was just in the neighbourhood walking past my house. I was eating a lot of food so I wasn’t really interested.

Before coming to Australia, I wanted to go see him because my brother used to tell me my father and I have similar attitudes. I didn’t know what that attitude was, whether it was good or bad I wanted to meet him but I didn’t have time. When I came over he called me once, he called me to ask for money. That was the only time he called me and I did send him some money, that was an instant thing. Two months later, I got a call from my mum and she was like “you know that Solomon died” she just said it plain, there was just no attachment. It was like some guy from the news, so that was it.

When are you at your happiest?

When I’m with Ann, the girl I’m seeing. When I’m at work towards the end of my shift and about to head home with Ann. When I go roller-skating once in a while, every few months I go skating. I was shy and now I get dressed and look at myself in the mirror.

How are you feeling now?

Coming here, I was nervous, and at the beginning, I was sad talking about everything. I feel fine, because I’ve let it all out. You know, I’ve been waiting for this time to talk to somebody about everything, not just mental health, but feeling it’s okay to talk about sexuality, and I feel good. You know, talking helps. It does help, letting it all out. I’ll go home and think about this from a positive aspect, instead of looking at this from a negative aspect. I feel good, thank you.