ALICE*, 34 Songstress

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

I’m a bit anxious, but otherwise I’m okay. I’ve had a very stressful week and had a lot to deal with. Feeling shy and anxious about being recorded but I’m sure I’ll loosen up in a few minutes.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?

That’s an interesting question! I think it’s an ongoing thing, something that is lifelong and doesn’t stop. Even if you recover from your mental health issues, the journey still continues. Growing up I had mental health issues I’m sure, but it’s not something that was really addressed. It’s not something I wanted to admit to. I was bullied a lot as a kid, I was very shy and had some social difficulties. Because of that, my parents took me to see a few psychiatrists when I was aged around 11 years old. That was a really difficult experience, because they never really discussed with me why they were doing it. They just took me to see psychiatrists without any real explanation for it. I grew up with this feeling of being defective, not good enough and not quite right.

That continued through my teenage years, I always had this underlying feeling that that I was not good enough. My teenage years were pretty hard. Finally, when I was 22, I spoke to my doctor about depression for the first time. It felt really liberating to talk about it and finally admit that I had been depressed for many years. That sort of started my journey of recovery I guess. I started counselling and took some medication for a while. Once I admitted that I did have issues, it became a lot easier. I’ve had my ups and downs since then, but overall I’m in a far better place than I was 10 years ago. I think it’s important to talk about these things and share your experiences with people, it’s a very important part of recovery.

Do you recall what the children were bullying you about?

It was about a number of things. In the beginning it was because of my small size. I have a medical problem related to my pituitary gland, a condition most people have never heard of. My pituitary gland doesn’t produce hormones the way it should, so I need to take regular blood tests. I take tablets everyday to get my hormones to the normal level. This was something that wasn’t diagnosed till I was six. Hormones are responsible for growth, and I wasn’t growing. My parents noticed this and were very alarmed because all the other kids were growing and I was still tiny. I was developing normally in other ways; my talking and walking was normal, but I just wasn’t growing. They took me to see many different doctors, and after many tests at the age of six I was diagnosed with this medical issue and started treatment for it.

When I started school at the age of 5, I was very small and for that I got teased of course. They called me “shrimp”, “midget”, and other nasty things. They wanted to pick me up and carry me around like a baby. Eventually I was given growth hormone shots. I had one every night, they made me grow normally. Within a couple of years, I had caught up to my peers, which I’m very thankful for. If I hadn’t I would probably be tiny. Not that that’s a terrible thing, but I’m glad I’m normal height. When the kids found out that I had injections, they thought I had aids, because it was the early 90s and the aids epidemic was all over the news. So, the bullying continued throughout primary school.

Can you talk me through what you were feeling emotionally and physically when you first arrived at the psychiatric hospital?

I clearly remember the journey there, my parents let me choose the radio station and the song that was playing on the radio was “Creep” by Radiohead. “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo”. That summed up exactly how I was feeling at that time. That song was going through my head the whole time I was there.

Once you had come out of there and spoken to a psychiatrist, did you feel like you had gotten support or felt more detached from the world then ever?

I felt more detached from the world, because I didn’t understand why I was there. I know they were trying to help me but it didn’t feel that way at the time. I felt victimised, I felt alone.

As much as your parents were trying to help you with your mental health issues, did you feel they weren’t content with the daughter they had by taking you to the hospital?

Yes, that was a very strong feeling I had growing up. I felt I wasn’t good enough for them, that they would prefer I was normal, like my brother.

Did you ever confront your parents about what you were feeling?

I did try a few times but the answer I kept getting is “We were only trying to help you”. I do accept that as true. But I don’t think my mother could really see it from my point of view, she could only see it from a mother’s point of view. She doesn’t understand how it felt for me. I felt a lot of anger about that for a long time, but I’m starting to let that go now.

When you were aware you were going through depression, can you tell me what that was like?

When I first became aware of my depression I was at university and I wasn’t happy at all. I’d become really withdrawn from doing anything social and I was a real loner. I spent a lot of time listening to music and became really obsessed with certain musicians, one musician in particular. I was going online a lot, spending most of my time on the computer. I started making friends online and that was my social outlet, otherwise I was very socially withdrawn. When I was 22 I actually went to the doctor for another issue and my doctor suggested to me that I may be depressed. She could pick up the symptoms in me. It was something that I hadn’t really thought of much before, depression wasn’t something I knew much about. When the doctor acknowledged it, it was an aha moment, like “yes, this makes sense!” It was really great that she recognised that, it made it real. I realised I wasn’t just a crap human being, there’s actually a reason why I feel this way. A chemical imbalance in my brain that can be fixed. I’m not a lost cause.

Coming to terms with that diagnosis, did that save you in that moment?

Yeah, I feel like it did save me, it changed my perspective and helped me turn my life around. I was able to make some positive changes to start to get better. I started to become social again which took a while, but I got there in the end.

What did those positive changes consist of?

I tried to get out more and be less of a loner. I was spending a lot of time indoors away from people. Most days I’d just stay in my bedroom, go online and listening to music. My Mum didn’t like me being like that and was very worried about me, which made me feel even worse. After the depression diagnosis, I started getting out more, something as simple as going out for walks. I discovered how physical movement can have a big impact on your mood, so I started exercising which helped a lot. I also started getting more into artistic activities. I started drawing and painting which was a good emotional release for me I also started playing guitar and singing. Those creative pursuits really helped me.

Do you remember the first friend you made once you got out and started socialising?

Yeah, it was someone I met online actually. It was an online friend who became a real-life friend. She’s a girl from England who I had a lot in common with. She’s a bit older than me but we just clicked from the very beginning. She moved here to study nursing and we became really close that year. We bonded over music a lot. She’s probably the closest thing to a soul-mate I’ve ever had. She lives in Europe now, I hope I can visit her sometime in the near future.

Do you think your depression has held you back in anyway?

Yes, when I was doing Year 12 my depression got pretty bad. In the final few months of school I had a lot of depression, but at that time I just wasn’t dealing with it. At the age of 17 I couldn’t even admit that was what I had. I just wanted to fit in, to be accepted, as most teenagers do. I wasn’t able to admit there was anything wrong with me as I didn’t want to be different. I covered it up and pretended it wasn’t there. But it did have a big impact on me in that I wasn’t able to study as much as I wanted to, even though I was capable of it. Because of my depression and the fact that I had issues with friends, there was a lot on my mind. I couldn’t put my focus into studies and because of that, I was very disappointed with my marks when the final results came out. This really held me back a lot in terms of my future options for university study.

What did a day look like for you during school, when you hid your depression?

It’s hard to think back to school days because it was such a long time ago! I think I would go to school and pretend everything was fine but inside I would be really tense. I would really not be coping but I pretended like everything was fine just so I could get through the day and be accepted by the other girls.

Essentially like a mask?

Yeah, exactly like a mask, that’s a perfect way to describe it. I had this outer façade of calm on my face, but inside I’d be really tense, going nuts. It’s probably a very common thing come to think of it.

Through that last year, did anybody catch on and become aware of what you were feeling?

I think people probably did notice I was acting strangely, but at that stage I wasn’t close enough to any of my friends to talk to them. I had friends but I didn’t feel I could confide in them. The most important thing for me at the time was for them to accept me. In order for that to happen, I thought I had to pretend to be someone else.

Do you regret not opening up to them?

Kind of, but at the same time they probably weren’t the right people to open up to. I didn’t feel like I fitted in at my school very well. I wish I had been able to open up to somebody, wish there had been somebody I felt close enough to open up to. At that stage, there just wasn’t, I couldn’t even open up to my parents. I couldn’t open up to anybody at that time of my life. Looking back, I really wish I’d seen a counsellor at that time.

Was your relationship with your parents better or complicated at that stage?

Pretty complicated I’d say. I think I put on that same mask with my parents as well because I wanted them to think that I was normal. I wanted them to think that I was capable of doing all the normal things that you are supposedly meant to do at that age. Having a boyfriend, going out to nightclubs, applying to university, I desperately wanted those things but I felt my parents didn’t think I was capable. I was so desperate to show I was capable, it was almost an obsession. My relationship with my parents, my father in particular, was difficult at that age. I couldn’t decide on a career at all and that worried my parents. They were really concerned about me in terms of what I would do with my life.

Did you feel if you didn’t reach perfection, you were a failure in their eyes?

Not even perfection, but just a certain standard I felt like I needed to live up to. There was a lot hanging in the balance with my Year 12 results. I went to a private girls school and there was a lot of pressure to be a high achiever. I don’t like that. There’s a lot of pressure to get the perfect mark, get into the best university, and if you can’t live up to that standard, you’re a failure. I know it’s not true now, but that’s how it felt at the time.

When you have a bad day now, where does your depression take you?

I sometimes get into this cycle of negative thinking, where one negative thought leads to another and it’s like a downwards spiral. I get a lot of negative and self-critical thoughts about how I’m a terrible person and I’m worthless. All that lovely stuff, thanks brain! Sometimes it spirals out of control to the point where it’s becomes involuntary and they just pop into my head. I could be doing something completely unrelated and my brain will tell me “I’m an idiot, I’m worthless”. Once you’re in that hole it’s hard to dig yourself out of that. Sometimes it feels like there is somebody chasing me and screaming insults at my ear.

Do you think the bullying played a part in how much you criticise yourself?

Yeah, definitely. In high school, I had this one friend in high school who would put me down a lot. I say friend in a very loose way. She was quite a bully, but I didn’t realise that at the time. I thought she was cool and I just wanted to impress her, to gain her approval all the time. Even though she was constantly saying nasty things about me and making me feel bad about myself. Teenagers, aren’t they lovely?

How long do your depressive episodes usually last?

It really varies. Last year I had a depressive episode that lasted for months. I didn’t think I was ever going to come out of it. It started to feel like a was permanent part of my personality and I just had to learn to live with it. When Summer came, I started to feel much better. The weather seems to affect my mood a lot, I often feel pretty down during the winter months. My mood always improves a when Spring comes along. I think the sunshine and vitamin D have a big impact on me. Maybe it’s seasonal affective disorder.

Do you feel like your mind has betrayed you?

Sometimes yeah, I do feel like my mind has held me back. Prevented me from achieving things that I otherwise would have achieved, things that I deserve.

Since being diagnosed, what does treatment entail for you?

A combination of counselling and medication, I think that the combination of the two is the best way to treat it. Since being diagnosed I’ve been getting a mental health plan from my GP and a referral to see a psychologist. I’ve seen several different ones over the years. I’ve been on and off medication for the last 10 years, but more on then off. I still see my GP fairly regularly to monitor my depression treatment. I also do guided meditations regularly, that seems to help keep in keeping the negative thoughts at bay.

What’s your experience been like with anti-depressants?

Good and bad, but I think more good than bad. I’ve had very different experiences with different medications. Some have been good and some have been terrible. I was on one medication that made me feel like I was manic. Medications are so tricky, finding the right one is a like stab in the dark. It’s a really personal thing and people can respond so differently to the same drug. What works well for your friend might be terrible for you. It’s hard to get the right dosage, if it’s too high the side effects can be unbearable. I’m happy to say I’m fairly content with what I’m on at the moment.

On a good day, are you able to compliment yourself?

Yes, on a good day I can look in the mirror and say, “I look nice” or “I dealt with that situation well”.

On a bad day, can you remind yourself of those compliments?

Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It depends on how severe it is.

Do you think it’s easier to put ourselves down because appreciating oneself is against our nature?

Yeah, I find it counterintuitive to appreciate yourself. It goes against your natural instinct to praise yourself, at least that’s my experience. It’s so much easier to insult yourself, put yourself down and be self-depreciating.

How do you handle compliments?

It depends on how I’m feeling at the time. Sometimes It can be embarrassing and make me turn red like a tomato. If I’m having a bad day and I get a compliment, sometimes I’ll automatically think they are lying. But if I’m having a good day I can smile and say thanks and mean it.

Is acceptance still a priority for you?

I think it still a priority to a certain extent, but it’s not nearly as important as it is when I was younger. I feel like I don’t have to please everybody all the time.

Do you think acceptance plays such a big part in your life because of the influence of your parents?

Yeah that’s a part of it too.

Do you resent them for making you feel that way?

I used to, but I’ve forgiven them now. I understand that they have always meant well and only wanted to help. Besides, holding onto that anger was just making me feel worse.

What do you feel you’re missing out on?

I feel like I’m missing out on having a relationship, a fulfilling relationship. I’ve been in relationships, but not mutually fulfilling relationships.

From your experience, did you find opening up about your mental illness in a relationship difficult?

Yeah, sometimes. A few people I’ve dated in the past have their own mental health issues, so that’s made it easier. I think it’s so important to be open about it, to talk about it without the fear of being judged. It’s a very difficult thing to open up about, especially in the beginning, because it’s hard to know how much to disclose. You don’t want to make yourself vulnerable or paint yourself in a negative way, it’s a real challenge. But at the same time, you want to be open with somebody if you’re in a relationship, so it’s hard.

When you’re in a relationship, what do you find is the key to keep it going when you have bad days?

It’s important to communicate about it, to let your partner know when you’re going through a hard time. Let them help you if they can. I believe that can make a relationship stronger.

Do you believe that communication happens often in your experience?

Not enough. It’s something I need to work on. Lately I feel like I’ve gone back to my old teenage habits of hiding my problems and pretending things are fine when they are not.

Why do you believe that is?

I guess it’s because I want people to like and accept me. I’ve been feeling insecure about myself.

As they are aware of your depression, are you afraid they will leave you if you show symptoms of it?

Yeah, I guess that is a fear of mine.

Do you fear being alone?

Not really, I like my independence. I’m a pretty independent person, I’m usually happy to be in my own company (or with my cat) with my own solo pursuits. The thought of being by myself for the rest of my life doesn’t scare me because I have good friends and plenty of interests to occupy my time. If I never get married it’s not the end of the world, I can live with that.

What do you think is the key to your happiness?

Oh wow, that’s a hard question! If I knew the key to happiness I could probably make a lot of money! I think that balance is the key. I don’t take horoscopes too seriously, but I’m a Libra which is the balance sign, so I think balance is very important. You need to work at balancing all the different aspects of life, work and fun, friendships and romantic relationships.

Keeping all those things balanced is a challenge, but it’s an important thing to strive for I think. Having fulfilling, honest friendships is also a very important thing to me. Knowing there is someone I can talk to even when I feel terrible who won’t judge me, that makes me happy.

Do you hold people up on a pedestal, with the consequence of them taking advantage of you?

Yes, I do that sometimes. If I really like someone I tend to idolise them and see them in a Godlike way, especially if they are a musician. To me there’s something so special about musicians, especially if they write their own songs. I’ve tried to write songs and have never written anything I’m happy with. So, I’m a bit in awe of people who can. In reality, they might have a lot of flaws but I can’t see that at the time. At least that’s something I can recognise now.

What’s one of your fondest memories?

I have a lot of fond memories of travelling overseas. I travelled to Europe and the UK in 2010 and that was probably one of the best experiences of my life. I saw a lot of interesting things that I’d wanted to see for a long time. My favourite places were London, Berlin, Rome and Amsterdam. I did a tour so I also met some great people while I was travelling.

How did you manage your depression when travelling?

It was a challenge because I find that my anxiety and depression don’t necessarily go away just because I’m on holiday. It comes along with you and as much as you wish your depression to have a holiday of its own, it’s often still there, like an annoying tag-along. I often find my anxiety is often a whole lot worse when travelling because of the anxiety provoking situations that happen when you travel. For example, getting onto planes, being in really crowded and unfamiliar places with people you don’t know. That’s all very anxiety provoking. It’s been a real challenge to travel with anxiety and depression, but worth it in the end. Some holidays have been more successful than others, sometimes I’ve been able to put it aside to an extent and have a good time but other times it’s been a lot harder.

If you could offer advice to those wanting to travel and do have mental health issues what would you recommend?

Be prepared for the fact that you might have mental health issues while you’re travelling which you may not expect. Start packing early to make sure you have everything you need before you go. I find if I’m very organised it helps. If I have my clothes and all my belongings well organised in my suitcase, it can save me a bit of anxiety by preventing me from losing things.

If travelling with others, I think it’s also important to schedule some time to yourself when travelling. You might be spending all day with new people but I think it’s very important for your own sanity to have some time to yourself, for me anyway. When I did that tour in Europe, I payed extra money to make sure I had my own room. Most people on my tour had a shared room, but I didn’t want to share with someone I hadn’t met before. I think my own room really saved me because I know if I had a really anxious day, if I was stressed out and overloaded I could come back to my room and have some me time. I could read a book by myself and chill out without the pressure to be social. That helped a lot.

Also, buy a neck pillow if you are travelling by bus so you can sleep on the bus. Or like I did sometimes, pretend to sleep so people won’t bug you by trying to chat.

You touched on anxiety, can you elaborate on what your experience has been like with that?

At this point in my life, I feel like the anxiety is worse than the depression. It sort of switches, sometimes the depression is worse sometimes the anxiety is worse. It depends what is going on in my life. Anxiety is something that hits me quite bad sometimes. It’s very exhausting, I find that the anxiety really wears me out and dealing with anxiety zaps all of my energy.

What kind of anxiety do you have? Is it more social anxiety or panic?

Yeah, both. If I have a lot going on in my life that’s when I tend to get socially anxious. Even if it’s positive things, I’ve had a lot in my social calendar sometimes I can get a bit anxious over that. I do get a bit of social anxiety especially when I’m meeting new people or going to parties and things. I find it very hard to relax, I feel insecure.

Do you think putting yourself out there and socialising is the key to overcoming social anxiety?

Yeah, I do. When I was younger I just avoided social contact. I didn’t want to have those negative feelings, so I didn’t put myself in the situation. I avoided the social anxiety by not socialising, but that didn’t help me at all. To overcome a phobia or something that makes you anxious you just have to put yourself out there. Exposure therapy. To expose yourself to the thing you fear in a controlled way, and that’s how you get over it. If you keep avoid something then you’re not dealing with it. If you’re scared of spiders, you can spend your whole life hiding from spiders, but it’s only going to make the phobia worse.

Have you ever feared that your anxiety and depression would debilitate you to the point that you can’t function?

Yeah, there’s been a couple of times where I’ve worried about that. I was scared that I was almost unable to function, doing everything on autopilot. I was still going to work and interacting with people, but not really engaging. I was lucky that my work was fairly low pressure at the time. I was talking to a friend recently who said in her job they can be fired if they don’t meet a certain requirement. That would be unlikely to happen in my job. I have been worried about being fired, but thankfully it hasn’t happened yet! I feel like I was able to get away with not doing a huge amount of work, when I was severely depressed and unable to function. I feel like I’m much better at work at the moment, but there was a time when my work performance suffered because of mental health problems.

When you’re in that state, do you hide away or reach out for your doctor?

I used to hide away, but now I talk to my doctor about it. Sometimes my doctor is unsure of what to do, as she’s a GP and not a mental health expert. She only has basic knowledge of mental health treatment. But she’s still quite sympathetic and good to talk to.

Are you afraid that if it does get so severe, you’ll end up admitting that to yourself and have to come to terms with that?

I think the thing that scares me the most is having to admit it to my employers, because I would be afraid to do that. If I had to take time off work for mental health reasons, I don’t feel like my boss would be very sympathetic. I haven’t thought about it in a very serious way but maybe at some point I’ll have to stay in hospital for my depression. It’s something my mother suggested to me last year if things didn’t get better, but luckily things did get better.

Do you see yourself as brave for considering that an option?

Yeah, I guess I do. It wasn’t an easy thing to admit!

Do you think it’s an individual’s personality or the stigma that follows with mental health/mental illness due to that lack of understanding?

I think it’s both, and I think those two factors influence each other. I think my boss has a lack of understanding. When I once spoke to her about anxiety, she told me that she used to get panic attacks which was interesting. I think she’s quite an anxious person herself but still she’s quite a workaholic. She’s very focused on her work and expects everyone else to be as well.

What do you believe we are doing wrong when it comes to supporting those with mental health issues?

I think it’s a lot better than it used to be but there’s a long way to go, there is still a lot of stigma around mental illness. It’s still very hard to open up about it and I think a lot people still feel the need to hide it. I think just talking about it can help and make people more aware of it. Letting people know they aren’t alone, as cliché as that sounds. Things like RU OK day can help if people are willing to open up.

What do you fear?

Cancer and other serious diseases, I’m scared of getting really sick and not being able to take care of myself. I fear losing my family and pets. Losing my parents is a big worry of mine. Obviously, they are going to die at some point but that’s something that worries me. I’m scared of being in an aeroplane crash. I’m also not a big fan of spiders.

Do you have any regrets?

Going back to school days, I wish that I had spoken up and asked for help when I was a teenager, instead of just ignoring it. It only got worse because I didn’t deal with it. If I had gotten help earlier, it would have probably saved me from a lot of pain.

Thinking about all that you’ve been through, what are you most proud of?

I’m proud of my resilience. I’m proud that I’ve bounced back, not just once but multiple times. I’ve gone through periods where I was so low that I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore. Even just three months ago, I felt that way. I wasn’t suicidal because I didn’t have any plans to do anything but I didn’t have any interest in life anymore. I stopped doing all the things I enjoyed because I just wasn’t interested. I’m proud of the way I just kept going and recovered from that in the last few months. The last depression I went through, it took me a lot longer to recover. This time I’m happy to say it’s been a lot quicker. I started seeing friends again after I’d been withdrawing. It’s hard to get back out there when you’ve been antisocial for a while, but I just bit the bullet did it. I joined a singing group and that’s been a really good experience for me. I’m proud of myself for that and the way I’ve dealt with this latest depressive episode.

Do you think everything you went through when you were younger, had to happen in order for you to grow?

Maybe, looking back it was a good thing in a way because it allowed me to grow as a person. I haven’t really thought about it that way but that’s an interesting thought.

Do you love yourself?

Something that I’ve been talking about to recently with a counsellor is the idea of loving yourself and giving yourself unconditional love, even loving your flaws. If you want someone else to love you, it’s important that you learn to love yourself. Love yourself unconditionally, even when you’ve done the wrong thing. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. It’s not something that comes naturally to me at all. I’m used to hating myself, I’m coming around to the idea of loving myself. I think I’m slowly getting there.

What’s been the greatest lesson you’ve learnt along this journey?

It sounds cliché but I’ve learnt it’s important to be yourself. I spent a lot of time when I was younger pretending to be someone I was not. I was wearing a mask. I put on this whole different persona in order to make people like me more, or be a person that I thought people would like. I wasn’t being true to myself and it’s taken me a long time to be able to be myself in front of others, even among friends. It’s something I don’t always feel comfortable with, if I’m completely honest. I still feel the need to put on an act sometimes, but being myself it’s something I’m getting better at. If you go through your life pretending to be someone you’re not, you’re not going to have genuine relationships. And that makes it very hard to be happy. At the end of the day, being yourself is very liberating.

Do you look forward to your future?

I look forward to certain things in my future, such as travelling again. But I don’t want to get any older, I’d rather stay the age I am now! But yes, there are aspects of my future I look forward to. Owning my own house would be nice.

How are you feeling now?

Pretty good, a lot more relaxed now. It feels good to get that stuff off my chest, I feel pretty positive.

*Name has been changed to maintain confidentiality