MARK, 50 Loving

Please be aware that this interview may cause distress to some readers. If you experience distress then please seek assistance and lean on your support networks.

How are you feeling?

Pretty good today. For the first time in what feels like months, I have access to some feelings of contentment. I’ve been chilling at home listening to some conscious tunes. It’s Sunday and the weather can only be described as torrential. But I love these moody stormy days. It’s so extreme out there my chickens have retired to the coop for the day. I’m aware that this feeling of contentment will be fleeting, depression and/or anxiety is never far away. I don’t feel there’ll be a time when I’m not predominantly focused on surviving rather than thriving. That sounds negative but actually I prefer to be real about this journey than operate on falsehoods. The drama created by wishing and hoping I’ll feel ‘good’ tomorrow creates a roller coaster scenario. It also sets me up to fail, which further challenges my already low self-esteem and confidence. It’s not all bad though, I’ve come a long way over the last thirty years.

Can you tell me about your journey with mental health so far?

Firstly, I’d like to say that my views here are personal. They resonate to me and designed to assist me. My perception of my journey is subjective and may not resonate with others. So, when I say I find terms like ‘mental illness’ or ‘mental health’ destructive, it’s a personal belief. Albeit one that is shared by some of the world’s more liberal experts on trauma. I have used labels to define myself in the past but refuse to do so now. My inability to function ‘well’ and my depressive, anxious and irrational behaviours have nothing to do with my ‘health’, and everything to do with the environment I grew up in. If the feeling of safety isn’t nurtured during early childhood development, the impact will more likely than not be very damaging.

The fear I felt during my father’s bouts of rage and violence were difficult to endure. The feelings of fear, lack of safety and the knowing that there was nothing I could do to change what was happening live in my body to this day. I can be triggered into a state of a terrified four-year-old by the mildest stressor. When this happens, my brain’s ability to process rationally is severely impaired. Bessel Van Der Kolk describes the amygdala as a smoke alarm and a specific part of the prefrontal cortex as the watchtower. If one grows up in an environment of trauma, one does not learn how to ‘man’ the watchtower, no one is present to employ strategies that can turn off the alarm. Thus, one exists in a perpetual state of anxiety. The noise of the alarm can be so deafening, I struggle to see or hear anything else, this is how my processing capabilities are impaired.

Had I had a base sense of safety instilled in me, before the traumatic events occurred, the impact of the abuse would likely have been reduced to some degree, or maybe not. I have friends that tell me they feel their anxiety and depression isn’t as valid as mine because their childhoods weren’t as extreme as mine. I tell them it’s the lack of a felt sense of safety in the world that underpins our pain, not the severity of abuse. Being able to make one’s children feel loved and safe is the most important task. That lack of ‘safety’ reduces our ability to feel connected to ourselves and consequently connected to school, work, friends, family or just experiences. Without love and safety, life becomes complex, stressful, sad and often unbearable. Isolation and disconnection creates incredible pain and shame.

I don’t blame anyone for what happened to me during my childhood. My father was an incredibly broken and traumatised man. He did the best he could with what he had. Unfortunately, all he had was anger and military training. His generation had no desire to visit a doctor and speak of their own pain. Such a scenario often ended with institutionalisation. I still grieve the loss of my childhood and would prefer it if the war that was waged on my tiny spirit had never happened. How much better it would have been, to have felt loved by the most important man in my life, instead of despised. If I’d have been a happy, secure child with a self-esteem life. Would have been much calmer, productive and enjoyable.

I also don’t blame the perpetrator of the sexual assault I experienced as a child. The assault cemented the way I perceive myself in the world. I remember thinking immediately after the event that ‘my father knows he can abuse me because I’m worthless and everyone else must know it too.’ I think I crumbled at that point, I didn’t begin a healing journey until decades later. The perpetrator of this assault was barely six years older than me at the time. Looking back, I’m quite sure she was being abused. So how do I see myself? I mostly see myself as somebody who deserves to be abused and treated poorly, so that is primarily how I have treated myself for the majority of my life. I consider myself socially inept, unattractive, stupid and undeserving of love.

I think that one of the most damaging and common beliefs executed by a perpetrator is that the responsibility for the abuse is with the victim. My father would often tell me that if I wasn’t such a waste of space then he wouldn’t have to beat me. Then I would apologise to him for being such an idiot and making him hate and beat me. I can’t think of another experience that destroyed me as much as this. It made me feel as I were responsible for all the pain in my life plus the frustration and anger in his. This has been a very painful realisation. I’ve known on a rational level for some time that this is a very damaging situation, but only recently have I felt this knowledge in my body.

Additionally, if I lived in a society that wasn’t so determined to shame those who don’t have the tools to operate within the ‘norms’, things also would be or have been very different. How could anyone expect me to thrive at life under those circumstances? Unfortunately, my culture and society does have those expectations of me, regardless of my past. The world desires that I operate as if I’d had a healthy upbringing, one where I’d acquired the tools to function well. This is wholly unreasonable, but society doesn’t understand this because no one wants to talk about it. Or more importantly, no one wants to listen to what we have to say, it’s just too uncomfortable a truth. Had this abuse led to addiction, as it does for so many traumatised people, I’d have been labelled a useless junky.

My trauma affected me in other ways. Extreme fear fuelled bouts of OCD, occasionally I’d engage in risk taking behaviours. The biggest impact was on my ability to have healthy relationships. I would end up despising people who loved me because I could never understand why they did. I couldn’t function, so was attributed labels like lazy, weird, useless and mentally ill. By classing individuals as ‘mentally ill’ that person will be immediately marginalised, isolated, judged and shamed. It seems the people who are in the greatest need of understanding and connection are denied this basic human right, simply because the experience and knowledge they hold, has no value in our society.

Traumatised people are not profitable or fun. I am incredibly angry at the lack of empathy and compassion that is given to vulnerable people. There is no space for us to be valued or seen in the current mindset. This has to change and it is, but there’s a long way to go. Those of us who know how much pain it takes to cause anxiety and depression should hold incredible value. The knowledge and wisdom accrued as a result of these traumatic experiences give us value and knowledge that is beyond those who’ve not walked in our footsteps. I am proud of my wisdom and knowledge. It offers me the opportunity to give the kind of compassion and empathy that our wider society chooses not to.

During your childhood, was there a place you found comfort in, to get away from reality?

There is no real escape for children, everything in life is controlled. I, like most kids, had no autonomy and nowhere to escape to. The only place I remember feeling happiness as a child was in Cumbria, more commonly known as The Lake District. It’s a small mountainous region in North West England. Its beauty to me is unsurpassed. I went once with my family, father included, which was a fractious and fearful experience. But I do remember seeing a foal being born, that blew me away.

I suppose I’d have been about six. After my father left home, I went two or three times
with my mother, sister and grandfather. My grandfather and mother loved rural England, as did I. My sister was far less enthusiastic. I never wanted to leave the tranquillity of those hills and return to London. I wanted more than anything to escape the pain of home and morph into someone completely different. Cumbria has felt like home since the first time I stepped foot on the fells.

Uplifting reggae music helped too, in direct contrast to its lyrics of sufferation, it gave me hope. I grew up with the children and grandchildren of the Windrush generation and was consequently surrounded by Jamaican music. To this day, I can play ‘Truth and Rights’ by Johnny Osbourne or any other soulful reggae tune and feel uplifted and rebellious. Sound system culture is a big part of my medicine. I have built my own small Jamaican Sound System with a little pre-processor and dub sirens. I play my little sound all the time. Much to the annoyance of some in close proximity, it is integral to my healing. There’s a song by the Charlatans with the line, ‘Here comes a soul saver on your record player floatin’ about in the dust.’ That pretty much sums it up.

The choice to not blame your father is one that I think may surprise some people. Did it take you a while to come to that point? Or have you had that decision instilled in your mind growing up? Are you fearful of the consequences if you don’t forgive him?

I felt a lot of anger towards my father but that was often ignored or misdirected at others close to me. I didn’t really know the true reasons behind my anger. My father had taught me that I was to blame for everything so I think I just blamed myself most of the time, I hated and despised myself. I also hated and despised those who tried to love my vile being. Life was incredibly confusing, thoughts and feelings tumultuous. I truly don’t have a clear memory of what I thought about the dynamics of my situation, I was simply consumed with fear and reacting to that fear. In my forties I started to realise that the vast majority of people aren’t inherently bad. This understanding came primarily through many years of counselling. I believe transpersonal counselling practices to have made the biggest impact in this regard.

Environmental factors influence lives dramatically, positively and negatively. I’ve had to be a very analytical person to unpick and understand that what happened to me wasn’t my fault. Though I still blame myself at times. If I apply my knowledge of how damaging trauma can be, and how it has affected my behaviour to my father’s situation, I can have empathy and compassion for him. My father’s anger was born of trauma, his behaviours were directly linked to the extreme anger he felt. I’ve been told his father committed suicide, but my father was told his dad was a war hero. Not until my own father had joined the army did he discover the truth. I believe my mother told me this, I’ve not seen my father since I was fourteen. Only a year ago did I discover he was still alive, I still don’t think I want contact with him.

I found empathy and compassion for my father at the same time I discovered it for myself. I was simply a product of circumstance as was he. I don’t believe in judgement and punishment, Bolstoy prison in Norway is a great example of compassion and empathy having a greater positive influence than judgement and punishment. The consequence of not forgiving my father is simply that it would mean I had not matured, or gained the wisdom required to allow more space for a little more internal peace.

Coming from a tense childhood, how has it shaped your relationships with friends & loved ones growing up?

Tense is an incredible understatement, to be honest; terrifying is closer to the truth. I was tiny compared to the ex-army sergeant. When he hit me, I felt as if he could quite easily kill me. From his perspective, I imagine he’d consider that to be an overly dramatic statement. Perhaps he saw what he did as nothing more than a ‘clip round the ear.’ But my torso wasn’t much bigger than one of his heavily tattooed and muscly arms. I would stumble when he struck me. If he’d punched me as hard as he possibly could, he’d have done me a lot of damage. With his rage, it always felt like that was a possibility. On occasion, he’d fetch frozen vegetables to reduce the swelling so he was clearly hitting me hard.

I’d often wish I would die when he hit me, then I’d imagine myself looking down on my funeral and I’d wonder if my dad would be sorry or glad I was dead? I’m still not sure. I had a lot of these visual fantasies from a very young age. I began fantasising about jumping from a local bridge into the path of an oncoming train, aged five. Occasionally, I’m surprised I’ve made it this far. It’s affected my relationships significantly and negatively.

I’ve already touched on how I resented people who loved me. I was and can still be very afraid to say what I really think. Communication is something I have to work very hard at. I often feel shame in relation to others I perceive as healthy. And years ago, I would go from one relationship to another because I was so insecure. Gladly, the fear factor in my life is much reduced now. I’m still anxious but much less so. I don’t crash as badly as I used to when life becomes challenging and I lose faith in my ability to cope.

Do you think society turns a blind eye to male abuse victims? Is society willing to listen to male victims?

I think society turns a blind eye to the truth about pain. We have become conditioned to judge and punish individuals that don’t function well. We place the responsibility for individual struggles on the victim. Even though we acknowledge that specific environmental factors damage people, we fail to acknowledge that specific environmental factors can help heal them. Our society is beginning to say that men being abusive to women is unacceptable, but I don’t hear the same message about men being abusive to other men, or parents being physically and emotionally abusive to children.

Of course, the response is still punitive and, as you’re now abundantly aware, I’m not supportive of such an approach. That doesn’t mean I think men who hurt women shouldn’t be removed to protect people. It’s about how we help those that can heal and change their behaviours achieve that. Do we want safer communities or a pound of flesh?

The other point I’d like to raise is about the Royal Commission on abuse in the Catholic Church. It is brilliant that those that have suffered a harrowing life due to trauma are being acknowledged emotionally and financially. But there are millions of us that will never feel that kind of acknowledgment because we weren’t abused by someone who belonged to a religious or government backed institution. The pain of those abused outside of those organisations, remains hidden. We are still ignored, judged and shamed.

What was your relationship with your mother like? Was she present through your childhood?

My mother was, at the same time, having her spirit deconstructed by my father. I don’t remember my mother at that time in an overtly positive sense. She was incredibly depressed, stressed and mostly unavailable. These aren’t judgements, just observations. She responded to the environment of violence and control in similar ways to me, I guess. I’d imagine she shut down and tried to be as self-protective as possible, without provoking my father’s rage. I think she tried to protect us, to speak up in our defence. But no one could reason with my father. The atmosphere of fear dominated the house, my mother was also a prisoner to my father’s anger and control. I have memories of my mother being assaulted by my father.

There is a very strong sense of fear and hopelessness associated with that memory. I desperately wanted to stop that happening as a child, but I felt completely powerless to do so. Now I have respect for my mother. She kept a roof over our heads and food on the table after my dad left. She had to fight with everything she had to just function enough to survive. During the court cases, she really struggled. I am grateful for the sacrifices she made. At times, the only food she ate was what my sister and I left on our plates. That’s how tight things were at times. My mother loves and respects me for who I am and what I’ve achieved in my life. She knows a fair bit about my journey with trying to heal but I know little about hers.

Perhaps that’s because she’s never consciously confronted the past, I understand that. Once one starts working with trauma, the masks slip and the stories one makes up to survive begin to appear as false truths. The resulting turmoil means things are going to get a whole lot more painful before they get better. I only began this journey because I didn’t have a choice, I couldn’t live with my level of emotional pain and anxiety, so I had to either do something about it or end my life.

I think people would be greatly assisted with healing traumas if they had the luxury of collapsing and falling into a heap at the beginning of that journey. But we don’t, we have to try and navigate this complex landscape and keep our shit together so we can still ‘pay the bills.’ I’m still waiting for the time and place where I can consciously feel safe enough to lose my shit. When trauma unconsciously impacts life, it can be a blessing in disguise. After an episode of intense struggle or a ‘collapse’, there is a sense of relief, a release of pressure. For a short time, at least.

It saddens me that you see yourself as stupid and undeserving of love. I can attest that you write very well and I would look forward to hearing your sound system, stupid is never a word that comes to mind. How we see ourselves is integral to what we can do in our lives now. Where are you at right now in this stage of your life Mark concerning career and what you want for yourself?

It’s not so much what I ‘see’ but what I feel. The biological responses to life’s stressors simply act as a time machine. Trigger an insecurity in me by expressing frustration or anger and I’m transported straight back to the child I was. Adrenaline and cortisone flood my body, the smoke alarm starts to ring but there’s no experience I can remember to help me close this down. This could be a processing issue or simply a lack of effective modelled behaviour. I’m waiting for the hammer to fall, as it always did. The fight, flight, freeze and submit responses are designed to last for a short period of time, until the danger passes. What happens with kids that grow up in a perpetual state of fear, and subsequently the adults they become, is they become stuck in a heightened state of anxiety.

I’ve been cerebrally and biologically scared for excessively long periods of time. Rationally, I’m aware of my qualities, but my body responses still tell me I’m in danger. That biological map was created by the anger of the man that was supposed to love and protect me. That, in turn, informs the belief that I’m not worthy of love. There is little trust in the world for those of us who experience this kind of trauma. Thanks, my writing is pretty good now, though my grammar is shocking. Despite the fact I truanted from school a lot, I have managed to do quite well. I started off writing short articles and prose about my trauma. That was about five years ago. After a while, I wrote a number of humorous semi-autobiographical articles that were published and a few reviews for local coffee shops and other businesses.

I’ve started a few books, one in particular is based on a very good idea. I’m very proud of it but not sure it’ll ever be finished. I’ve not worked on it for a few years now. My ‘sound’ tends to dominate my time these days. I also managed to struggle through a bachelors and Masters of Arts, where the work produced was always representative of my pain and trauma. Despite my achievements, I’m still hamstrung. The real me is still too afraid to face the world through fear of getting it wrong, being ridiculed. My father’s voice often still dominates. When I read parts of Bessel van der Kolk’s ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ it helped me understand that my ways of being weren’t inherently about me. It taught me that I’m not to blame for how I think and feel.

Up until that point I believed that my spirit was broken and I had nothing positive to give to the world. Van der Kolk helped me understand that I am buried under the rubble of trauma, that my father is responsible for the seismic activity in my childhood that caused the earthquake that kept me from inhabiting my true spirit. I may be painfully aware of my negative views of myself but I no longer blame myself. That is a monumental shift. And if anyone tells me I should just get over it, try and think differently or just be more positive, they’d better be prepared for an inarticulate tongue bashing.

I don’t ‘want’ anything in particular because I cannot have what I might want; I’m also not sure I’d really want it anyway. What’s the point of wishing for a different childhood? I have the pain I have from the strong debilitating experiences of my childhood and that’s just the way it is. As for career, well, there’s never been a time when I’ve had the opportunity to prioritise a career. I’ve simply survived day to day and done the best I can with what I have. I’ve not been in a state where I can focus long term on aspects of life outside of my trauma.

You’re right. How we see ourselves is integral to how we do or don’t prosper in this world. But one can’t simply convince another human being that they are worthy by telling them so. We have to ‘feel’ worthy, ‘feel’ loved and ‘feel’ safe. That can only occur if we are loved, encouraged and safe. If we are constantly beaten and told we are fucking idiots, then that is how we will see ourselves. It’s very simple really, to change it is incredibly complex. Attempting to positively parent oneself is almost impossible. Those early childhood developmental phases reflect very small windows of opportunity. Miss them or fill them with fear and they’re gone forever. The damage is done. Incremental steps to healing are realistic, I am in a better place now than five years ago.

Five years ago, I was in a better place than I was ten years ago. But the trauma remains. No one wakes up from abuse one morning and suddenly feels good about themselves for the rest of their days. This is a life journey. People who don’t agree with this usually haven’t experienced trauma. So, they should probably keep their ill-informed opinions to themselves. If they don’t they simply add to an individual’s shame. I would love for everyone to understand this. Maybe then the toxic judgement and shame would subside.

As dark as life can be, where do you see the beauty in everyday life?

I see the most beauty in my amazing, hardworking and talented daughter, my brilliant wife who loves me like no one other partner has and in the child that lives in me that deserved better. I see beauty and sadness in music and who’s to say sadness doesn’t hold its own beauty. I see the same beauty and sadness in film sometimes and sometimes in my writing.

By telling your journey, did you feel you’ve gotten some sense of control back?

No, on the contrary. As I’ve said before, unpacking trauma requires the removal of masks and forces us to question the stories that we construct to function. Sharing my experiences is destabilising, in the short term at least. Long term, it may help. When I remember about my childhood, visualisations about my fantasy funeral, I was devastated. I felt that pain so deeply I could no longer inhabit some parts of my life as a grown up. This manifested in a physical injury from scratching myself repeatedly in an attempt to ease the discomfort. I don’t judge myself or others for ‘self-harming’, which by the way is another ridiculous term. Again, it’s just a part of the process, a physical action that may help release pressure. People in great emotional pain from childhood trauma may use all kinds of tools to help them survive. Why would such an act arouse distaste and judgement rather than compassion and empathy? It’s a mystery to me.

How can we as readers, help victims like yourself?

Firstly, we need to choose our words carefully. Words like ‘victim’ and ‘mentally ill,’ in my opinion help perpetuate negative connotations about people, who have every right to feel pain. There is nothing inherently ‘wrong’ with me, I am not weak or feeble. My responses to my trauma are wholly reasonable and not unique. This is what happens to children of abuse and I don’t wish to be seen as somebody that needs to be fixed. I will heal in my own time and in my own way. When I am ready to ask for help, I will look for it. Trusting adult survivors of abuse to work things out for themselves, holds far greater benefit than others telling us what we should or shouldn’t do. Less is always more. I’ve learnt to trust my daughter to work out her challenges and I trust her to ask me for help if she needs it. Since I’ve done that she’s thrived.

Words like ‘Victim’ imply helplessness and pity. Mentally ill implies inherent dysfunction. Rather than dysfunction caused by environmental factors. I’m not alone in feeling that these terms are creating a negative perception of anyone who might find themselves struggling to function well. Please don’t look to dictionaries, psychologists or doctors for definitions, ask those that are impacted by phrases that helped construct the ‘other’ syndrome how they would like to be seen. For the most part people experiencing strong emotional and biological problems because of trauma, are using the same default definitions that have been forced upon us. I am a warrior, a survivor of emotional, physical and sexual assault. Everyone needs to be very careful about how they define those of us that weren’t fortunate enough to have healthy childhood outcomes.

We should never judge or shame people who already carry judgement and shame. We’ll just add to that sense of worthlessness and hopelessness. We are part of the problem and re-traumatising, marginalising and isolating them.

You mentioned how you try and give your daughter the personal space to grow and develop, what other values and lessons do you instil in her to give her the childhood you never had?

My daughter has her struggles too. Me and her mum separated just before she started school, about ten years ago. She was understandably devastated. I’ve not always been a wise dad; I held my own frustrations and anger due to my trauma. I wasn’t particularly available to her back then. Much like my own mother and father, I made many mistakes that made her feel unsafe in the world. In recent years, I’ve turned a real corner as a parent. I do my best to model understanding and compassion. If I think I’ve got it wrong, I’ll go away and think about it, then apologise to my daughter at a later date. I hope this lands for her one day, I hope some of what I do now is positive modelling.

I want to show her that problems can be solved in a rational and controlled way. That communication, rather than negative reaction, is possible. Of course, there are many ways I’m not able to do that for myself. It’s actually easier to help others take control of their challenges than it is to take control of my own. But, I can then apply what I learn from helping others to my own life eventually. I’m not better than she is because I’m older or because I’m her parent. We are both imperfect humans that deserve each other’s love and respect.

If my daughter faces a life challenge, I let her know I’m here for advice. I have so much patience now compared to the past. If I do give her advice around a poor behaviour, I try not to get frustrated about it. I make mistakes all the time and I know from experience that if I’m judged and punished for those errors, the issues are compounded. I try to be gentle and non-confrontational. I attempt to apply this practice to all relationships with varying degrees of success. I know I’m doing better as a parent now because she seems to be gaining more resilience, desire, focus and wisdom.

She seems much less stressed and more stable now than in the past. Things are going better than ever for her right now and I couldn’t be prouder. I think she’ll continue to heal and learn to thrive. There’ll be many challenges ahead but she’ll eventually acquire the skills she needs to meet those challenges. My belief in her is paramount to how she functions in life and consequently her happiness. Just as my father’s dogma about me being useless and an idiot has been crucial to my lack of resilience, desire and focus.

My relationship with my wife is a big part of what I’ve learnt and how I apply my patience and compassion to people now. We have been on an incredible journey together over the last four years. Helping each other understand that reactive and projective relating is rarely beneficial. Working hard on our communication and trying to respect each other’s trauma and triggering. I could only have gone on this journey with her; she is someone I can love irrespective of her less savoury behaviours, she loves me irrespective of mine. I think this is possible because we know how hard each other works to survive and neither of us ever stops trying to move into healthier, happier spaces.

There are always ups and downs but she is my partner in all possible ways. We will continue to grow and improve, it’s a natural process with my wife and there’s no doubt an element of magic exists between us, which assists us through challenging times. She loves me and I believe her, that is a massive deal for me, she’s just the best. Without my daughter and my wife, I’d not be where I am today. Connection to family is crucial, to be supported is essential. Without this, one has little chance of finding some peace within the turmoil or trauma. Ideally, we would also be supported by the wider society and community. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

The institutions that govern us truly don’t acknowledge how sick our society is, let alone implement policies that are designed to assist vulnerable people. Profit and personal wealth take priority and people are expendable. Just look at how governments around the world treat vulnerable people who need assistance. This lack of care has a big impact on my spirit. I simply cannot understand how people can be so cruel to each other.

How are you feeling now?

An hour ago, I felt depressed and a bit hopeless. Now I’m sitting in a cafe writing this and they’re playing some dirge slow, female vocal indie rock. I feel a little more at home in my spirit, a little content. That’s something I think others don’t consider when dealing with people who are struggling, that we can change with the wind. My mood can change dozens of times a day, it can be influenced by interactions with others, thoughts, irrational or rational fears. Anything really, it’s very hard to have consistency in life when the roller coaster is in constant motion. Later on, I’ll feel positive about myself, this evening I may then feel hateful towards myself again. So, the question ‘how are you feeling?’ is very difficult to answer.

My wife often asks me this and my response is sometimes “I’m not sure, okay and not okay,” or I tell her “I’m mostly the same as always,” struggling to find a comfortable internal landscape to be in. Trauma isn’t black and white and neither is life. Much of the time the decisions we make aren’t made because we can predict future outcomes, they are made because we cannot continually exist in limbo. Each and every decision in life has its pros and cons. At this exact moment, I’m listening to Winston Reedy proclaiming, “Don’t take my kindness for weakness.” That’s not a bad message to end on. Kindness has the power and strength to heal all kinds of wounds. Judgement and punishment offer nothing but further destruction and trauma.